True story: just last week, we wished upon a star that Meme Roth, terribly entertaining psycho anti-fat Food Nazi Mom, would do something new, just so we could resurrect her here. Last night she was on teevee, angry about food!

The lead story in the New York Times Magazine's wellness issue this past weekend: "Does working out really help you lose weight?" A better question: Why doesn't the New York Times want to tell you the fitness truth?

What does New York Sen. Chuck Schumer like on his heros? Roast beef, extra pickles, and the blood of Republican opponents. It's nice that there's a NY politician whose name, seen in a headline with "sandwich," doesn't give us shudders.

Curious how much KFC-gobbling New York Times food critic Sam Sifton eats in a week? Well, he's written it all down for us, and 24,560 calories later I feel kinda sick. Or hungry. I feel sick for feeling hungry.

In this week's episode of Food Revolution, Jamie Oliver took his inexplicably anti-healthy-eating local DJ nemesis to a mortuary to show the darker side of his town's poor dieting habits, putting a whole new meaning to "morbidly obese."

As Weight Watchers battles disparaging remarks about its pseudoscientific experts, the company also faces a more existential threat: women who think they don't need to be on a diet. Whoa, who said that was okay?

Ladies: are you psychotically obsessed enough with your physical appearance? Fear not! Scientists have now determined exactly where you're failing in your quest to not be a fat, disgusting cow. They'll make you insane yet!

Anti-Scientology campaign group Anonymous, and some blogs, are airing accusations that Scientologist Kirstie Alley's new weight loss program, Organic Liaison, is based on quackery preached by L. Ron Hubbard, and that the company has links to the 'church'.

It is the new year which means it's time for you to go on an unsuccessful diet, America! Let us survey the landscape of sure-to-fail fitness ideas rolling out (ha) soon. Select a few and promptly abandon them!

We can't believe this commercial is real. Taco Bell is encouraging Americans to utilize their "fresco" line of tacos for those looking to lose weight as their New Year's resolution. But does this diet include cheesy fiesta potatoes? If only.

You know what else is bullshit, besides juice cleanses? The idea that wearing some ugly Reeboks with a curvy sole will give you an Ass of Steel. Bullshit. Also, cookie diets? Bullshit.

The Slim-Fast secret: bacterial contaminant-induced vomiting and diarrhea.

Most obese Americans, meaning most Americans, have given up hope of ever losing that weight unless they can land a spot as a contestant on NBC's Biggest Loser. Unfortunately, Biggest Loser is made of 100% evil.

• Bread.

British brides hell bent on looking svelte for their big day are adopting a 500-calorie diet — and paying the price. Sadly, the diet has claimed its 17th a victim, forcing the company to pursue an indifferent defense.

After torturing rhesus monkeys for decades with extremely low-calorie diets, scientists have finally proven that eating less can help primates (you) live longer. And the United States of America has proven that eating more kills you quick. Related: Donut Wars!!

So who put Scarlett Johansson on that strict diet that reduced the starlet to a shadow of her former self? Gwyneth Paltrow, the noted medical expert who last year hallucinated from undereating.

Media heiress and urban prose stylist Emily Brill used to be overweight, which is worse than cancer. She heroically slimmed down, and is now compelled to weigh in, ha, on weighty public health issues. So when she saw a week-old Times story about the decline of calorie-counting, she could not conscientiously keep quiet! "Mind if I add my two cents?" she writes. "I did manage to lose some weight over the past year or two..."

When Alex Bogusky, the ad guru for Burger King and Domino's Pizza (among others), announced last week that he is publishing a diet book, the general reaction was, "Ha, hypocrite Whopper-seller." An alternate theory, though, is that the book is part of some elaborate hoax, or will turn out to be the peg for a new Bogusky ad campaign. But if it is, he's doing a good job keeping it a secret; Burger King and Domino's, the two fatty food-touting clients most obviously affected by the book, had to find out about it by reading a news story: