Didn't we almost have it all, America? Why, it was just a few weeks ago when we learned that E! had mercy-killed its celeb reality show Denise Richards: It's Complicated, leading to cheers, emailed hugs, and exultant praise to God around the blogosphere. "Just when I think there's no redeeming the entertainment industry as a whole," said one of our commenters, "somebody makes a smart move like cancelling this famewhore's piece of crap show, and I start to see a little glimmer of light on the horizon." Get ready to bust out some candles, everybody: that glimmer's gettin' snuffed! According to Us Weekly:

In the eternal battle between exes Charlie Sheen and Denise Richards, the latter has just been dealt a significant setback. Though Sheen pulls down a nigh-unbeatable $800,000 for every episode of Two and a Half Men, Richards could at least boast a buzzed-about, cringe-inducing E! reality show, Denise Richards: It's Complicated. Now, according to the New York Post, she may not even have that feather in her cap anymore — it appears that the show has been cancelled.

Poor Denise Richards. Her disastrous Hot Shots of a marriage to Charlie Sheen crumbled, her acting roles have become few and far between, and now her last-ditch E! reality show has been canceled. Richards cursed and filth-talked her way through the show, Denise Richards: It's Complicated, apparently not caring how she—a mother of two little girls—would come across to audiences. I, for one, thought it was funny, in a hair-pulling kind of way—but middle-America rarely agrees with me! Ratings started high enough, with 1.5million people tuning into the premiere, but it was down hill from there. As there really is little else in showbiz left for her to do (save for Dancing With the Stars, I guess) we suspect she'll soon be applying for her real estate license. You know if her teeny tiny divorce settlement nest egg disappears. Above is a clip of Denise getting pwned! by a tabloid editor, and here is another horrifying clip.

• NBC is leading the ratings with its coverage of the DNC. [TVDecoder]

• In the wake of his big, possibly violent fight with his mom and sister, everyone's trying to figure out what ever happened to Christian Bale. The Daily Mail notes that after Bale became the family breadwinner at 13, his father tried to make him into a Hollywood star while Mom advocated a normal childhood in Britain. Also, he's been angry all the time since forever. The Post passes along the news that he hates press tours and is known as "robo-actor" because of his "steely focus."

• Raffaello Follieri might be in the process of negotiating a deal with the feds, which would put him in prison for five to 6 1/2 years instead of the nine-year sentence he could face if he's convicted by a jury. [NYP]

· It's hard for us to fathom what it would be like to be 13 years old and related to Denise Richards. On one hand, holy hot aunt! On the other hand, there's moments like this, when Aunt Denise forces you into a conversation about her on-camera romps with Neve Campbell and the time she posed for Playboy. Awkward! [E!]

· Long-time rivals Jeffrey Wells and David Poland bury the hatchet long enough for Wells to wish Poland congratulations on getting married over the weekend. Well, sort of. [Hollywood Elsewhere]

· Either Katie Holmes and daughter Suri just got back from a Parisian bistro or they've got a big interview lined up at Foot Locker tomorrow. [ONTD]

· Videogum said it best, so we'll quote them: "Has Batman ever danced with the Batman in the pale moon light?" The answer is, unsurprisingly, yes. [Videogum]

· Adrian Grenier will surely "blank" the "blank" out of whatever club is willing to pay him $50,000 for the honors of hosting his upcoming birthday party. [Page Six]

Oh man have we got it all today. Warring socialites, fired assistants, bald TV stars, and tweens with shitty nose jobs. But most of all we have (last on the list) a terribly obvious blind item about Wild Things actress and current E! reality show star Denise Richards. The item suggests that the foul-mouthed, buxom midwesterner's first job in Hollywood was not on a film set, but in a bedroom. As a high-class hooker. Ohh dear. Read the details (and more) after the jump.

At this point we’re far more informed than we’d like to be when it comes to all the freaky diet methods celebrities use to shed pounds and pull off that whole homeless glam look Colin Farrell’s currently sporting. But while A-listers tend to either keep mum on the subject (like Katie Holmes and Renee Zellweger) or blab endlessly about being “obsessed with potato chips!” and eating “fried food every day!” (Catherine Zeta-Jones and Angelina Jolie), the press-hungry lesser-knowns have yet to learn the rules. In the upcoming issue of TV Guide, ten small-screen stars commit major overshares about how their body obsession is weighing on their mindgrapes. Find out who dropped major pounds just because TMZ published pictures of her “very, very soft” stomach, who only vacuums in heels to tone her calves, and which former “fat baby” admits to working out for over an hour every day, after the jump.

• Charlie Sheen is sorry to black people for calling his ex-wife Denise Richards a "f—king n——r." He's especially sorry to "Tony Todd, an African-American, who was my best man at my first two weddings." Ha! Richards, with whom Sheen has been bitterly feuding, doesn't get an apology, and can presumably just "f—king" deal. [Us]

Sometimes two stories will come along on the very same day and reaffirm one of the oldest Hollywood clichés in history. Namely, that babe magnetism can be yours even if you don't possess looks, charm or gentlemanly ways. Provided, of course, that you have either money or music cred. With that in mind, we'd like to call your attention to two fantasy-worthy catfights brewing today. All kinds of manicured claws are out over the 80-year old borderline polygamist Hugh Hefner and the scraggly rock star Richie Sambora. Why four sets of fake boobs are rubbing up against each other (as Kate Hudson’s baby boy would say) and which contenders are looking like the early “winners” of the ongoing squabbles, after the jump.

• Amy Winehouse fainted at home yesterday and spent the night undergoing testing at a London hospital. So far the tests have proved inconclusive and doctors are stumped as to what exactly happened, which clearly means they're not reading the tabloids. [Reuters]

• Observers note that Arianna Huffington waited several days to personally blog anything about the death of Tim Russert of Meet The Press, who she often criticized. Then when she did say something, she didn't really praise the man. Not even faint praise! Dammit, Arianna, the public DEMANDS DISINGENUOUS EULOGIES! [R&M]

Apparently Denise Richards' life of collecting alimony and contemplating posing for Playboy is so busy that she requires a full staff to function. In this week's episode of It's Complicated, she upbraids her two warring assistants about some clothes she had borrowed that were supposed to be returned but hadn't. To Denise, it's an issue of integrity. Much to our surprise, she managed to utter the word "integrity" without being struck by lightning.

We were with Joel Silver up to a point in his career-counseling session last night with Denise Richards, whose professional fork in the road towered above the myriad harrowing dilemmas faced on It's Complicated. Playboy encore? B-movies? Something more conservative? How about more television, suggested Silver and his right-hand woman Susan Downey — a sitcom, maybe? Something to highlight the actress's sterling sense of humor and cosmic, cosmetic comeliness? She was so good on Spin City, you know? And the hours are convenient for a mother! More importantly, however: What would Neo from The Matrix do? We're not sure if Richards plans to take Silver's advice or if she just always looks the way she does at the end of the scene; you be the judge after the jump. [E!]

In case you hadn't heard, momager extraordinaire Dina Lohan's new reality show was sadly slammed in the ratings by Sheen Sperm-aversive blabbermouth Denise Richards in the ratings. But before weeping for the runner-up, don't forget: Dina still officially wears the crown of Mother of the Year! They gave her a trophy and everything! Yes, "they" are a group of cleavage-baring Long Island moms with fake tans and nails as long as their list of ex-husbands, but a title is a title. Which is why Defamer Video Vixen Molly McAleer has put together a rather inspiring series of moments from last night's second episode, in which we learn three very important lessons on parenting from, that's right, the Mother of the Year. Our favorite and most valuable parenting rules as taught to us by Dina herself:

Are you related to someone famous who doesn’t really speak to you anymore? Do you have a dreadfully boring home life and children you constantly ignore? Have you collected an obscene number of pets, which constantly crap all over your house? Then you should call E! because that’s exactly what they’re into nowadays. On a day meant to honor the heroes who have protected our country, last night’s series premieres of Denise Richards: It’s Complicated and Living Lohan showed just how little there is left to protect.

Yesterday, Charlie Sheen's camp accused Denise Richards of having exploited her children for her own publicity-whoring needs—and re-addressed the time Richards allegedly paused from hurling ambisexual- jailbait- porn-junkie accusations long enough to request a sperm donation of her ex. Now, the star of E!'s Denise Richards: My Undiagnosed Bipolarism Is Complicated is firing back. Talking to Page Six, the actress provided recent SMS evidence suggesting there may be more to her cancer-wishing, tranny-positive ex-husband than meets the eye:

Oh, what's to be done with Denise Richards and Charlie Sheen. They may bicker incessantly and claim they can't stand the sight of one another, but deep down, you just know they're hoping the other contracts feline AIDS. With her E! reality series set to premiere on Memorial Day, Richards has been hitting the talk show circuit harder than Richie Sambora in a bathroom stall at the LAX wrap party. This included some face-time with fossilized CNN grand inquisitor Larry King, where she explained that the show comes directly out of need; not, surprisingly, the need to be on TV, but rather the need to feed and shelter her two children, abandoned by their father to follow his tween-outfitting, trampoline dreams. Now, a "Sheen insider" tells Page Six that Richards' claims are absurd, as the actress is regularly greeted by the beeping sound of a Hollywood Alimony Services dump truck backing into her driveway to release that month's child support payment:

Just hours after professing her dedication to zipping her lips when it comes to airing any dirty laundry from her marriage to Charlie Sheen on The Today Show, Denise Richards showed up on The View to dish with the gals. And though she wasn’t continuing her passive aggressive attack on Sheen’s sperm and promising us all that she just adores it (“I mean, we have two beautiful daughters!”), she went ahead and brought up her former bestie Heather Locklear in the conversation. As we all fondly recall, Denise appeared to have stolen Richie Sambora away from Heather and committed double adultery during the top secret couple's many lobstery beach ventures. But it just isn’t true, says Denise, and Denise doesn’t do drugs, says Denise, and Denise is just not a whore so stop calling her that, says Denise.