How many times does the MPAA have to tell us to respect copyrights? Another camcorder-wielding, one-man piracy sleeper cell has been accused of trying to destabilize the entertainment industry, but his greatest crime might be his horrible taste:

The first episode of E!'s upcoming Wild On Tara series (just like the original Wild On, but this time the host is 200% more drunk than the people who shout the name of their city followed by "WOOOOOOO!") will feature a special treat to attract viewers:

· On September 1st, legendary Variety columnist Army Archerd is retiring after 52 years...and Var is picking up Liz Smith...who thinks Peter Bart is flipping off the LAT...the cafeteria over at Sony is really underrated, we've always thought. (As this lame homage illustrates, that three dot thing is harder than it looks. Someone give Larry King a raise!)
· From Photoshop joke to reality: Brad Pitt is Maddox's daddy now.
· Ashton Kutcher's acting and producing careers win him the top spot on Teen People's Young Hollywood power list, as the magazine conveniently ignores the fact that Kutcher is actually 47 years old.
· Hey, underwater unicorn!
·Ugg hatred wasn't dead, it was just sleeping.
· Whether this story is true or not, it's almost enough to make us feel bad for Scott Stapp. But then we remember the tune of "Arms Wide Open," and oh, how we laugh. One gets what one deserves after driving two hours to Gainesville to break off a piece of booty.

· In what may be the ultimate showdown between people who genuinely enjoy Neal Diamond and those who are drunkenly marinating in an ironic appreciation of the sequined master's songs, the Twilight Dance Series features Super Diamond at the Santa Monica Pier. We think pure love will carry the night.
· Design and tech-obsessed nerds can congregate safely at Visionary-in-Residence Bruce Sterling's lecture at the Art Center College of Design in Pasadena, without any of that weird Super Diamond tension.
· The Egyptian is screening The Shining, perhaps the scariest that Jack Nicholson has ever been without a golf club or dildo in hand.

Warning! The "open casting call" that begins in the VIP area and ends up near a dumpster in the alley behind your favorite Hollywood hotspot may be a scam. (Is nothing in this town real anymore?) From the casting section of the Bunim-Murray website:

In a brave attempt to fight the breast-shriveling effects of puberty, Lindsay Lohan has hired a personal trainer to help her reacquire her once famously curvy figure:

Your guesses as to the real-life identities of PP and STS are in! But first, bone up on One Deceiving Blind Vice:

A Beverly Hills Cheesecake Factory hostess's fortuitous lunchtime seating choice put a Defamer spy in the rare position of dining next to a certain A-list actor and his posse. And while his choice in glamazonian Brazilian girlfriends might have already provided us with a pretty good idea of Leonardo DiCaprio's taste in the opposite sex's physical assets, we now may have an even clearer picture of how much trunk-junk is appealing to the star:

Hollywood PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are sent in by our readers (that means that we didn't write them, just to clear up some confusion). Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (putting privacywatch or sighting in the subject line helps make sure they're not devoured by the spam filter) and let the world know about that special moment when Debi Mazar gave you a sandwich recommendation.

· Fox News head Roger Ailes is the most likely candidate for "The Son Rupert Murdoch Never Had," and might replace dead-to-him-now offspring Lachlan as chairman of Fox Television Stations Group. They're going to look a little funny running the three-legged race at the News Corp father-son picnic, but Lachlan was always a liability anyway. [Variety]
· Also, Lachlan Murdoch's golden parachute will likely be in the millions of dollars, and his two-year noncompete clause will leave him with little to do but build money-castles on an Australian beach. [THR]
· That harmless little joke that Sony played on the world, where they invented a movie critic to provide glowing pullquotes for their movies, costs them $1.5 million in a settlement with fans. At that piddling price, it was totally worth it! [Variety]
· Paramount snaps up the film rights to writer AJ Jacobs's yet-to-be-published nonfiction book, The Year of Living Biblically, in which the author spends a year trying to abide by all of the Bible's dictates. Wacky, unwatchable spiritual sequel to 40 Days and 40 Nights to follow. Do we have to pitch it? "When Andy is caught cheating on his very religious fiance, he offers to prove his love by obeying every rule in the Bible up until their wedding day." We decline to dreamcast Ashton Kutcher at this time. [THR]
· Hollywood Est Hors des Idées: Warner Brothers will remake the French waiter-and-hilarious-consequences-of-averted-suicide comedy Apres Vous with Billy Crystal as the star. [Variety]

Wherein we invite our readers to interpret the cranial gossip-bumps on the head of humpy E! gossip phrenologist Ted Casablanca's weekly blind items and guess the identity of their hopelessly obscured subjects. Ted once again taps into the infinitely renewable supply of publicly straight, secretly gay actors for this week's riddle. Furrow your brow and get to work on One Deceiving Blind Vice:

Well, that didn't take long:

The LAT reports that a mere five months after assuming the crown at The New Pararmount™, Brad Grey has finally sold off Brillstein-Grey, his management company, to former co-workers Cynthia Pett-Dante and Jon Liebman. ("Longtime lieutenant" Marc Gurvitz is sitting this round out, as he's going through a divorce and that might get complicated.) Not that anyone was going to start passing around a hat for Grey now that he's solely Paramount's property, but he's still got a thumb in some of B-G's biggest pies:

The AP reports that Murderball star Mark Zupan is "embracing the fame brought by the documentary," but it's not clear if the interview was conducted before or after Steve-O stapled his scrotum to Zupan's wheelchair on the red carpet at a recent E! party.

Yesterday's Page Six report that superannuated producer/full-time garish neckwear model Robert Evans was off to Mexico to consecrate his seventh marriage struck a nerve with the mature ladies of the NY Post's other gossip columns, as both Cindy Adams and Liz Smith spend some of today's inches discussing the nuptials. (Word on the street is that Prevention magazine is offering six figures for photos of the ceremony. Did Leno do this one yet?) Adams explores how the soon-to-be Mrs. Evans obtained her money and Lady title (hint: she wasn't born into royalty in the Valley), while Liz Smith backtracks to find out how Victoria drilled through six layers of turtleneck to touch Bob's heart:

Breaking! The intrepid reporters of Access Hollywood have succeeded where the Lake Havasu Today's News-Herald failed, correcting the local paper's maddeningly vague coverage of Brad Pitt's IHOP breakfast. Reports Zap2it.com:

· The Cityrag blog finds itself obsessed with Owen "The Butterscotch Stallion" Wilson's trademark crooked nose and its representation in the media. It's nice to see someone concentrating on something other than his sex life, isn't it?
· Whether you want to listen to Howard Stern spank strippers on satellite radio or watch him do it on cable, you're going to have to pony up a subscription fee.
· "Hey, Gammaw, tell us again about the time you made out with Johnny Depp!"
· Gawker finally gets some answers about the enigma-wrapped-in-a-riddle that is Laguna Beach.
· We're pretty sure that they're called "spec scripts," um, not the thing that this writer calls them. But then again, we're not familiar with his work.

· The defending national champion Hollywood Slam Team performs at tonight's Flypoet Spoken Word & Music Showcase at the Conga Room. "Slam Team" might sound slightly violent, but when you consider that the Flypoet website says they're trying to help talented people get famous, even a room full of poets might get punchy.
· Original space cowboy Buzz Aldrin signs his new book, Reaching for the Moon, at Borders in Westwood. We can't guarantee that proximity to the gamma rays that the pioneer astronaut gives off will grant you any superpowers, but it might be fun to find out for sure..
· Music round-up: The Silversun Pickups begin their monthlong strangehold on Wednesday nights at Spaceland; Michael Penn, local music hero and member of the mighty Penn showbiz clan, performs for free at Amoeba.

Somewhat eerily, mere moments after commenting that the starstruck residents of Lake Havasu might have failed in their celebstalking mission by failing to follow Brad Pitt into a stall, a partially bathroom-related PrivacyWatch report hit our inbox. A reader sat behind Quentin Tarantino (naturally, having Tarantino's prodigious cranium in the row in front of you doesn't make for an optimal viewing experience) at a showing of Wedding Crashers at the Century City multiplex, then found himself deferring to his hero during the inevitable post-movie bathroom line:

Thanks to the News-Herald and its Havasunews.com, stalkers fans of Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie can recreate virtually every minute of the couple's trip to Lake Havasu earlier this week, which "electrified" the town: