It's not for nothing that Lindsay Lohan is considered the hard-partying Queen of the Chateau, having long since graduated from the fluid-ounce confines of the traditional martini glass to the super-sized pleasures of guzzling straight from the shaker. But when it comes to illicit substances, The Scoop notes, Lohan cuts draws the line:
We understand things can get confusing, especially under the loud pops of fireworks prevalent this time of year, but we're here to assure you that Mark's absence today has everything to do with a well-deserved break, and nothing to do with an assault-rifle assisted "reorganizing" of Gawker Media's California-based operations. After a day off of posting tomorrow, we'll have him back on Wednesday (we think), and with our newly harvested insights into the fragility of blogging life, we shall immediately tell him how much he means to us. Until then, we schlep through Monday alone.
A reader sent in a report from last night's Los Angeles Film Festival's closing screening—Sundance phenom Little Miss Sunshine—and ensuing awards ceremony and party. As the accompanying photo indicates, the organizers went on a photocopying/Scotch-taping frenzy, papering nearly every seat in the house with "Reserved for Fox Searchlight" signs. (Couldn't they have just saved some time and a forest and instead printed out fourteen signs reading "FEEL FREE TO SIT HERE?") The full report—including multiple Office cast member sightings (yet no sign of Sunshine star Steve Carell)—is after the jump.
Amanda Scheer Demme, the nightlife Cerberus who once stood ferocious guard at the Trop's velvet-roped gate, has been quietly plotting her return since being cast from her celebrity-clusterfuck Hades. According to Page Six, Demme plans on taking the party to private homes, where she'll take on role of overly permissive mom to her extended family of spoiled celebubrats:
When life—and doesn't it just seem to always?—gives you lemons, do what we do: roll up your sleeves, paint on a smile, and make "this having to work on Monday thing is really putting a damper on my long weekend plans"-ade! To help you sweeten that sour nectar, some high fructose box office numbers:
· Superman Returns' Seven-Day Opening Weekend: Luthor holds a wiener. Spider-Man steals his thunder. Returns' returns. His hair, in words and pictures. His face, in wax. The phony IMdB page. The Quest for Seats. The fanboy fantasy. The typo. The next Adam West?
· Goodbye, Star Jones: The suprise announcement. Barbara snaps back. Then swats hard. Star lives on in the Matrix. No end in sight for Jones' 'I Was Fired!' Media Tour.
· Potential Disaster Downgraded To Minor Inconvenience Week at Paramount: Fire! Blackout! You're fired, so get out!
· Six Sexy New Grieving Looks For Summer, featuring Tori Spelling.
· Everything you could possibly want to know about that chick from that scene in last week's Entourage.
· Katie Holmes and an unidentified, bobbed lady (we think it's Tom Cruise's mother) gets snapped by a reader at the Farmer's Market newsstand.
· The Roosevelt recaptures some of its former velvet rope glory when a bouncer nearly pummels a Paramount exec they deem too pushy.
· Will Ferrell's new "business partner" Gary Sanchez sounds a little fishy to us.
· Harper's Bazaar's bizarre choice of cover subject.
· Ashton Kutcher doesn't mind sharing his elevator ride with you.
· David Hasselhoff's unbelievable winning streak comes crashing down on him like a crystal chandelier that his head hit while shaving at some gym or something, we're too close to the weekend to really care.
· Jennifer Lopez uses every legal means necessary to shut her first husband up, before he spills the beans on the voodoo practices she directed towards "this particular lady." We have a feeling it involved slitting a live chicken's neck over a picture of Mariah Carey in order to make sure Glitter tanked. (Worked, too!)
· Close but no cigar, Keith Urban.
· We're glad Prime Minister Koizumi can finally dispel that tired old stereotype of the Japanese being obsessed with American celebrities and culture. (By the way, doesn't the President have, like, war shit to attend to before hitting the Karate Wing at Graceland?)
· Gold Derby has whittled down the humongous list of probable Emmy nominees to a more manageable, gigantic list, though it must not be completely accurate, because they seem to have omitted Ghost Whisperer.
· Don't feel too bad for Aaron Spelling. He's too busy training his team of SWAT-CORPSES to worry about the annoying women he left behind.
Friday
· Friday night music: Band of Horses with MT Egypt at The Echo, Built To Spill at the Troubadour, Mark Eitzel at Tangier.
· May the patriarchal film festival system crumble once and for all! "Broad Humor: Female Film Fest" features over 40 films comedies by women.
Saturday
· Kinky & Sidestepper play a free show at California Plaza.
· The Alameda Writers Group presents hosts an evening "producer/author/story consultant" Christopher Vogler and Craig Mazin, co-writer of Scary Movie 3 and 4, where they will school aspiring writers in such topics as How to Best Utilize Pamela Anderson's Tits to Comic Effect.
· The REDCAT's "Don't Knock the Rock" festival rock n' roll festival continues with a screening of The Treasures of Long Gone John, a documentary about an indie record shop in Dallas, Texas, where Lord willing, no Jack Black-types work.
Sunday
· Sunday night music: The acoustic duo Anders and Woods play the REDCAT, and the El Rey hosts another free show featuring Murs and the mad remix science of Cut Chemist.
· Dorkbot meets on Alvarado, where you can tear apart and tinker with old electronic equipment to your hearts delight in an all-out nerd jam. Unplugging first recommended.
Please join us now as we take a moment to rejoice in our venerated sponsors, each and every one of which deserves their own themed baseball night. No single, racist arm gesture performed simultaneously by a stadium full of fans could adequately relay just what they mean to us, however. If you'd like to join their major leagues, simply go here.
Yesterday, we threw a question open to you, our far wiser and more cultured readership, as to what the hell was going on with an altered Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest billboard we'd passed several times on Sunset. Someone had stuck an image of a face we've seen wheatpasted around town many times before (whom we always assumed was Jakob Dylan, for some reason), though the heights and scale of this particular stunt finally got us to wonder what it all meant. Many of you pointed us to the answer—it's the work of a street artist named Seizer-One, and the face is his own. Thanks, guys—we'll sleep much better knowing Bob Iger now has the correct information on where to send his stormtroopers in order to deliver some Mickey Mouse-brand street justice to the guy vandalizing their promotional real estate.
Because Hollywood is much too small a town for a particularly anticipated movie screening to play host to just one VIP-monkey's whims, we received two more accounts regarding the infamous Matthew Perry Roped-Off Superman Seating Incident, both implicating yet another sorta-famous showbiz name suffering from a bloated sense of entitlement. None other than Sex and the City creator Darren Star was on hand, and, try as he did, he seemed incapable of convincing the AMC staff that his behind-the-scenes tinkering somehow trumped Perry's magnetic, on-camera persona. The first account begins immediately below, but make sure to read both, or you'll miss the money-shot quote involving Star's cannibalistic brunching taste for former Friends stars.
PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers. Send yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you saw Keanu Reeves wearing gauche footwear and taking in a cross-dresser's performance
· Four of the six big media companies saw their stocks rise this year. Among them, CBS' went up 4%, while Viacom went down 10%. Les Moonves was last overheard cackling in his office, inviting his secretary to join him for a slice of a custom-ordered cake iced to resemble a naked, weeping Tom Freston. [Variety]
· Superman Returns pulls in a healthy $21 million on its opening day, performing to but not exceeding Warner Bros.' expectations, and not coming anywhere near Spider-Man 2 record of $40.4 million. Brandon Routh's agent announces the happy news at some teenager's house party in the Valley, as his client teeters on the roof, having an Almost Famous moment. [Variety]
· Sony screens 20 minutes of Casino Royale at the Cinema Expo, revealing a much grittier, angry Bond who [SPOILER!] blossoms once he reluctantly accepts an undercover post acting as a bitchy fashion editor's assistant. [Variety]
· "How do you end a network?" In the case of The WB, apparently you end it by airing a day's worth of old pilots and "classic promos and image campaigns from the WB's 11-year history." Be sure to catch the montage of Regrettable Felicity Hair Decisions, set to a tear-jerking "Time Of Your Life (Good Riddance)." [Variety]
· Kyra Sedgwick's TNT series The Closer has been renewed for a third season, in which audiences will finally learn what Kyra has been getting closer to in the first two seasons. [THR]
Because his profound levels of jingoistic national pride are outmatched only by his love of a five-day, Fourth of July weekend, Mark has been granted temporary leave from the Defamer windowless basement HQ to embark on a personal mission to spread American goodwill throughout the globe. As foreign audiences thrill to his multimedia Powerpoint presentation, "USA: Who's With Me?!" your devoted associate editor Seth shall be here to see you through any complications that may arise in the coming, explosively patriotic days (involving lost digits due to premature fireworks discharge or otherwise).
As Tori Spelling continues to sit shivah for her departed father in her own, special way (less garment rending and low-seat sitting, more fabulous Us Weekly cover exclusives!), the woman who once pampered Tori with artificial snow and the finest midget fashions, mother Candy Spelling, has issued a statement in response to Tori's claims that she was never notified of her father's death. (Warning: Those among you with any lingering shreds of human decency should proceed with caution.)
Many of us snickered in delight as we witnessed the Circle of Celebrity Karmic Comeuppance do its thing and dispose of Star Jones. We erroneously assumed, however, that once the shit hit the spinning blades of Barbara Walters' unhinged fury, Jones would simply splatter against the faces of the studio audience, never to be heard from again. This does not appear to be the case, however, as she has emerged intact, and is doing the media rounds. Because we do anything we can to help you avoid listening to her speak, a Jones-on-the-offensive round-up:
· On Larry King Live last night, Jones stuck by her right "tell the truth" about being fired, having felt audiences might have seen through Barbara Walters' plan of telling the world she was leaving her job at The View for an exciting opportunity to become Payless Shoe Source's first Celebrity Corn-Awareness Activist. [Bonus: Did one of them let 'er rip?]
We admit, some of our recent celebrity-infused, second-hand offerings have been a little lacking lately (what, suddenly you're too jaded to get worked up about a futon with Ian Ziering ass-divots?), but we think we can make up for it by sharing this eBay auction for "Alec Baldwin's 20 GB 4th Generation iPod!" The actor's name is engraved on the back, making us, much like the seller's feedback rating, 97.2% positive that it's authentic. Marrying the best of Apple's Click Wheel™ technology and Baldwin's Aging Hipster™ taste ("Flaming Lips, the Doors, and Velvet Underground..."), we imagine the personal stereo has been nestled against a sweaty thicket of chest hair on many a Stairmaster jaunt, as it cycled through his favorite playlist, "Songs Kim Hates."
· Note to aspiring embezzlers: If you are going to download an image for a fake ID that you plan on using in the commission of a theft, make sure that image does not belong to one of the most famous men on the planet.
· Another headline that could be more clearly written: Nicolas Cage Gives $2M for Child Soldiers. Unfortunately, Cage is not purchasing himself a personal militia made up entirely of six-year-olds. Though he could totally afford that should he ever need to invade Angelina Jolie's compound.
· We are definitely not cool/hip enough to figure this out on our own, so if anyone out there can explain the deal with these heads that are being plastered up everywhere, we'd love hear about it.
· We link to this SoaP story only because it's funny that a family newspaper can't tell you straight out that the "expletive-laden line of dialogue for Jackson" is "I want these motherfucking snakes off the motherfucking plane!" Oh, how we love to swear!
Given the ambiguous wording of the above headline, you'd probably have to actually read the article to figure out that Rob Schneider collapsed (from heat exhaustion, if you must know) while shooting his new movie, and wasn't crushed underneath a shoddily constructed set. You're already too late to flood his hospital room with flowers and get well cards; Schneider was quickly rehydrated and returned to the set, determined not to let the extreme heat on their location shoot keep him from the important work of directing and starring in a mid-budgeted comedy about a convicted con-man who learns kung-fu so that he won't be hilariously sodomized during his incarceration.
