We were ready to assume that awkwardly maturing former child actor Haley Joel Osment's car crash had little in common with yesterday's accident involving a perpetually troubled lesser Baldwin, as we were momentarily paralyzed by the unpleasant image of the coal-eyed teen trapped in his overturned vehicle (which, incidentally, each report we've read positively identified as a 1995 Saturn, as if to suggest Osment's slowing career is responsible for his modest choice in conveyance) after jumping a curb and striking a brick mailbox pillar.

As we all recently learned in the immediate aftermath of Star Jones' self-immolation on/dismissal from The View, any entertainment corporation's abrupt firing of a high-profile employee must include a plan to remove all traces of the prejudicially shitcanned from their website, lest the stench of incompletion linger around an otherwise well-executed termination. Either Disney's soon-to-be very busy personnel reduction department hasn't yet gotten around to taking down Nina Jacobson's corporate bio, or they've already let go the guy who was supposed to take care of finishing the the dirty job started with that now-infamous delivery room phonecall.
· A live-action version of Donkey Kong would also not be a bad idea.
· With all due credit to our pal Will at Deadspin and the other friend who supplied this line: You're not with me, Leatherman.
· Yesterday, we learned the rule about not asking a showrunner about his Klum-stalking past; today THR's Ray Richmond teaches us the other rules of working the TCA tour.

TV Week's TCA blog attended the press conference for Men In Trees, a show on ABC's fall schedule starring Anne Heche as a relationship guru who swears off men, only to find herself stranded in Alaska and surrounded by the incorrigible critters! (We give it six weeks.) One brave TV critic soldier gingerly broached the subject of Heche's tinfoil-hat-wearing past:

Because every news item is more fun when it's made into a little game, we've decided to crop out the first name of the lesser Baldwin (come on, you already know it isn't Alec) who's currently hanging out at UCLA Medical Center following a "high speed crash" with two parked cars while "possibly driving under the influence of drugs and alcohol." In truth, though, even amateur Baldwinologists probably won't have much trouble puzzling out the subject, especially if they can remember if it was the Sliver one or the Homicide guy who got caught in a motel with a crackpipe and a crack-pal.

A Tennessee couple is convinced that Shadow, one of the furry stars of Disney dogsledding movie Eight Below, is actually Kolby, an Alaskan Malamute who went missing from their yard in 2004. It sounds like a crackpot accusation, until you consider that Shadow was found at a nearby Knoxville animal shelter by Sled Dog Rescue of Tennessee, who groomed him for the audition that led to his big break. (The entire story is recounted at the Rescue's website.) Kolby's owners are suing everyone they feel is responsible, including Disney, for conspiring to spirit away their beloved pooch and throw him onto a starmaking conveyor belt that turns good doggies into Hollywood assholes:

· The Skirball screens the documentary Refugee All Stars, which follows the Sierra Leone band of the same name as they "make their way from refugee camps back to their war-ravaged homeland" and eventually record an album of their music.
Music round-up: Camera Obscura at the Troubadour; The Church at the Henry Fonda; Muse at the Greek Theatre.
LA Weekly music critic Alan Rich signs a collection of his writings, So I've Heard: Notes of a Migratory Music Critic at Dutton's in Brentwood.

In the second installment of our now-continuing series on studio heads seemingly groping the talent at parties, Sony's Amy Pascal finally convinces boss Michael Lynton to fetch her a plate of chicken fingers at Monday night's premiere of Monster House, allowing her all the time she needed to pounce on hunky, young director Gil Kenan, whose abs she would later describe to a friend as "surprisingly firm for an animation guy."

Perhaps finally sensing that their deeply bizarre withholding of all physical evidence of newborn daughter Suri might be inducing widespread skepticism about the baby's existence, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes dispatched Scientologist pal and OTR III Infant Actuality Verificationist Leah Remini to enturbulate the suppressive offspring-deniers at Us Weekly with counfoundingly vague descriptions of the child she claims to have seen:

Despite Joel Siegel's limited skills at writing movie reviews—they usually consist of glowing, pun-heavy superlatives, pre-encapsulated for your pullquoting convenience—he nevertheless remains one of America's best known film critics. So when he noisily walked out of a press screening of Kevin Smith's Clerks II, word quickly filtered back to the director, who responded with a vicious rebuttal on his MySpace page. Page Six approached Siegel to give his side of the story, in what has quickly escalated into The Affair of the Fuddy-Duddy Critic Vs. The Foulmouthed Auteur:

It's been far too long since the Defamer Special Movie Premiere Food Critic dusted off his tastebuds and filed a report on the latest breakthroughs in Hollywood's appetizer and buffet technologies, but we dragged our gastronomic arbiter of debut galas away from the Blue Plate Special of semi-retirement for another review. Enjoy his assessment of the offerings at Monday night's Monster House premiere, where Sony pandered to the culinary tastes of the same children they were courting with their cinematic product:

· Lost in the sexier story of Nina Jacobson's firing from Disney yesterday is the fact that 650 other employees will be laid off worldwide. Sadly, Disney lacks the resources to let each employee go with a personal phone call during a happy family occasion, so the soon-to-be axed shouldn't get their hopes up about seeing studio executioner Dick Cook's name pop up on their Caller ID [Variety]
Hollywood studios make their annual trip to Comic-Con in San Diego, where they collect nerd souls in exchange for access to sneak previews of various comic-related movie properties. This year, a glimpse of ten seconds of previously unseen Spider-Man 3 footage is expected to net pledges of eternal fealty from over two dozen dungeon masters. [THR, Variety]
Wall Street happily drenches itself in the blood of slaughtered Disney staffers, helping the company's stock price
jumps 4% after news of their layoffs. Mouse House executives today hope to push the stock price as much as 20 % percent higher by announcing their plans to fire every employee on the payroll. [Variety]
NBC teams with Netflix to give users advance DVD previews of new shows Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip and Kidnapped, in hopes that viewers will become hooked weeks before the series actually premiere. [THR/AP]
ABC president "Purple" Steve McPherson is happy about all the Emmy attention for Gray's Anatomy, but blue that Lost and Desperate Housewives were slighted by the Academy. [Variety]

Audiences of Superman Returns marveled at its unknown star, Brandon Routh, and the ease and confidence with which he delivered a substandard Christopher Reeve impression in his first big screen foray. A memory shared by his mother reveals how the actor's early, girl-shunning discipline and good-times abstention helped guide him to greatness:

The web-enabled stalkerazzi at TMZ.com have posted some fascinating video to accompany their story about Paris Hilton initially fleeing, and eventually being pulled over by, a police officer curious about her possibly vodka-enhanced driving skills last night. (Hilton, you undoubtedly will be relieved to know, was let off with a warning, a wrist-slap that we're sure the cops would issue to anyone who responds to their cruiser's flashing lights by speeding away. Test this hypothesis next time you're out for a drink in Hollywood!)

A heavy-with-child and housebound Britney Spears has taken to journal writing again to pass the time, having updated the sparse "Love B: stream of consciousness" section of her website yesterday with a paean to the majesty of that most fearsome and beautiful of background props God's creatures, the tiger:

Based on the suggestion of one of our fine commenters, we think that the entire casting process for the lead in CBS's inevitable movie of the week about yesterday's upheaval at Disney, Hard Labor: The Delivery Room Firing Of Nina Jacobson, will consist of a single phone call to SNL star Rachel Dratch's agent. Or should a feature film version go into development, someone might want to check on Jodie Foster's availability and potential willingness to glam herself down for a meaty, heart-wrenching role.

Easily trumping Paramount house-cleaner Brad Grey's Christmastime hit of 33-year studio veteran Wayne Llewellen as he vacationed in South Africa, Disney chairman Dick Cook takes his place in recent cold-blooded layoff lore with yesterday's badly timed dispatching of Walt Disney Motion Pictures Group President Nina Jacobson, who found out she was losing her job in between her partner's contractions. Reports the LAT:

· In addition to revolutionizing the field of network color coordination with its dazzling green, um, everything, The CW is also already doing fine work in the area of hiring hot pages.
· Justin Timberlake admits to "dabbling" in drugs; we admit to "abusing" them to get through his horrible new single.
· And speaking of drugs, we are happy to present director Oliver Stone, who never met a hallucinogen he didn't like.
· M. Night Shyamalan opens mouth, sounds like hypersensitive jackass: "What I've watched in other careers is that when there's an early success that was not preordained—it just happened, you know?—there's a long period of earning that respect. And so there's a great suspicion that hangs over you for a long time. With the media, I'm saying. You know what I mean? And so they're like, 'No, he's not the real thing. He's not the real thing.' You know, maybe one day when I'm an old man they'll be like, 'All right.' But maybe they won't. Maybe they won't, you know?"
· The onset of World War III really fucked up Macaulay's vacation.

It seems that Disney wasn't fucking around when it announced its intentions to keel-haul a chunk of its workforce while they were still lightheaded from the champagne they'd been chugging to celebrate Pirates of Caribbean 2's record-breaking opening weekend, as the Mouse Slaughterhouse broke the ice on its coming employee bloodbath by offing one of its highest profile cast members this afternoon, now-former Buena Vista head Nina Jacobson. (You no doubt remember Jacobson as the callous creative exec who crushed M. Night Shyamalan's fairytale dreams and tried to starve his script-delivering assistant to death on a diet of low-carb soup.)

Pamela Anderson, crusader on behalf of fryer-bound chickens everywhere, posted an entry in her website diary today in which she announced her plans to marry longtime on-again, off-again boyfriend and Scott Stapp sex-tape consort, Kid Rock:

· Greg Proops once again stages his Chat Show at Largo, where he may or may not induce Wayne Brady to choke a bitch (no, he's never going to escape that catchphrase) while resident musician Jon Brion improvises an appropriately haunting soundtrack for the bitch-choking.
· KCRW screens I Know I Am Not Alone, musician Michael Franti's documentary about his journey through the Middle East, at the Laemmle Fairfax 3. An obligatory Q&A and non-obligatory acoustic performance will follow.
· Music round-up: The Submarines at the Hotel Caf ; Bedroom Walls at Tangier; Check Yo' Ponytail night at Safari Sam's.