As many snickered about a measly contempt of court charge that nevertheless offered satisfying dividends by way of seeing Girls Gone Wild founder Joe Francis thrown behind bars, few could have known that the Big One was trailing right behind. From The Smoking Gun:

· Music round-up: Cowboy Junkies at the El Rey; Die! Die! Die! at Spaceland; the Ying Yang Twins at the Key Club.
· Motherless Brooklyn and The Fortress of Solitude author Jonathan Lethem will read from You Don't Love Me Yet, his new. L.A.-set novel sending up the alternative music scene, at Skylight Books.
· Local journalist/blogger/troublemaker Mark Ebner will explore the theme "From Celebrity Rehab to Retox" at the Writers Garage reading/performance event tonight at diPiazza's Lounge in Long Beach, joined by musical acts Gina Villalobos and Pat Gallagher.

The LAT notes that the I Heart Huckabees internet sensation—featuring an exasperated Lily Tomlin enduring the c-word, among other spittle-flecked indignities, from her tantrum-throwing director David O. Russell—has now officially "reached the parody phase." (In our experience, that often signals the beginning of the end, but they feel it indicates the leaks are still "gathering steam.") Realizing, as former sparring partner George Clooney recently put it, that such matters can "screw with people's careers", they generously offer an opportunity for the explosively temperamental director's supporters to defend the outburst in their pages, resulting in mostly "Waddaya want—he's a passionate guy!" and "Mind your own fucking business. It's a movie thing"-style responses:

· Birkhead is characterized as a "man of mystery," apparently due in no small part to the fact that his MySpace profile is set to "private." [AP]
· Larry told friends he plans on staying in the Bahamas for a little while, delaying Dannielynn's debut at the Ivy for another month at least. [Fox411]

For a reality series set in the not-exactly-profound world of an L.A.-based private gym, Bravo's Workout manages to pack quite a bit into every episode, with omnipresent cameras capturing the exploits of its cast of personal trainers—a diverse group with passionate opinions on topics spanning the gamut from effective crunch techniques to unflattering tanktop cuts. But viewers last night were treated to more than we have ever seen of sexually insatiable Queen Bee Jackie Warner, who remains distressingly oblivious to the zooming lens just inches away capturing her every sapphic seduction. (Watch her go in for the kill here, after a little mood-enhancing bubbly and Chihuahua-assisted foreplay.) She describes her own reaction to the episode on her blog:

· Producers pass on our suggestions of indie darlings like Chloe Sevigny or Selma Blair, and go instead with multi-hyphenate hoochie Willa Ford to play Anna Nicole Smith in a movie about her life. (Now with happy ending!) [Variety]
· CBS is teaming with Jermaine, Tito and LaToya Jackson for Pop Dynasty, an American Idol-style search for the next superstar singing family no one will care about or watch! Michael would have joined, but he's knee-deep in giant robot blueprints at the moment. [Variety]
· What will surely go down as the Summer America Went Bingo Crazy officially kicks off May 18, when ABC premieres its much-anticipated National Bingo Night. [Variety]
· The premiere of The Sopranos' final season draws 7.66 million viewers, down by nearly 2 million from its last premiere in March, throwing Bobby even deeper into his guilt-spiral over whether it was even worth it to wait this long to pop his whacking cherry. [Variety]
· On the heels of news that that Lee Majors may return to primetime TV now comes a report that Tom Selleck is "in discussions" to take over for the Las Vegas's recently departed James Caan, edgily cast as Josh Duhamel's new daddy love interest. [THR]

As far as we are concerned, "Because it's Wednesday" is as an acceptable answer as any to the question, "Why are you running the Rip Torn DWI mug shot again?" It just so happens, however, that there has been a major development in the case, completely justifying another visit to Soused Rip Mountain:

Parade, which most recently made headlines for lulling Halle Berry into a trusting place, then drawing her ire by printing her account of a suicide attempt that she had not intended to trot out again until at least something on the level of a Vanity Fair cover story came around, is once again snapping at the celebrity hands that feed its content. A press release in our inbox touts a preview of their annual "'What People Earn' salary report," which would more accurately be described as the, "'Take A Good Look At The Rat Droppings You Call A Wage Compared To Those Of Your Much More Famous Counterparts' report."

There comes a point in every long-running, Peabody Award-winning series' lifespan when its creative team is faced with the artistic dilemma, "Well, we've already done the episode where Oprah's asshole and vagina find themselves in a doomed hostage situation. Where to go from there?" In South Park's case, it was to send a nuclear missile up Hillary Clinton's ladyflower, in a recent, 24-inspired episode entitled The Snuke. (Viacom's YouTube-scouring stormtroopers have already shot on sight anyone suspected to have posted clips, but here's a CNN report about it that, amazingly, never once utters the word "vagina.") A jubilant South Park staffer wrote to tell us about the exciting delivery that soon arrived at the production offices:

· Snoop Dogg was charged today with two felony counts for—shocker!—a past weapons and weed possession charge. In other Snoop news, Bill O'Reilly can still suck. His. Dick.
· "'We did it outside, so that was a lot of fun,' [Nicole] Richie, 25, said of the enema sequence." We'd beg you not to bother reading the rest of that story, but in the end, you're just going to do what you want to do.
· Three exclamation points doesn't even come close to relaying how we feel about the fact that Larry Birkhead is going to see Danielynn tonight.
· A once-tortured Halle Berry showing signs of mounting self-confidence.
· Hey! Shocking Cats! [via BWE]

The LAT takes a look at the roughly 12,000 network pilots currently in development, trying to make sense of any trends that emerged from last season. What we know: Serialized storytelling is out, except when it's in; viewers love a heavy dose of lighthearted quirk with their hour-long, fashion-centric dramas; and the public's appetite for the plight of fundamentalist Christian sketch comedy actresses was vastly overestimated. There is also the predicament of the half-hour primetime comedy, a languishing format that can only claim Charlie Sheen paycheck-generator Two and a Half Men as its single entry in the Nielsen top 20. It's a problem executives have approached with the kind of no-fail solution that results in a grab-bag pilot crop littered with Geico Cavemen shows and Lee Majors's triumphant return to TV: Greenlight everything and hope someone laughs.

· Music round-up: The Nightwatchman are playing at the Hotel Café, Dead Ponies are at the Echo, and Muse plays the Forum.
· Israeli literary darling and award-winning filmmaker Etgar Keret will be reading from his short story collection, The Nimrod Flipout, at the Skirball Cultural Center.
· East Coastian author Jonathan Lethem is in town. He reads from his L.A.-based novel, You Don't Love Me Yet, at Vroman's in Pasadena.

Accused murderer Phil Spector can dress himself up in sensible pantsuits and wash-n'-go haircuts all he likes, but he is unlikely to be mistaken any time soon for a benign lesbian observational comic—especially as mounting evidence reveals a disturbing history of gun violence directed at women:

· Enjoy this video of Larry breaking the good news: "I hate to be the one to tell you this, but: I told you so!" If you look closely, you can see money being exchanged between the giddy Bahamian law enforcement officials in the background.
· Prince Zsa Zsa the Fourth's official concession statement is the model of good sportsmanship: "We never intended to take Dannielynn from anyone, we were just here in case Prince Von Anhalt was the father. We wish Larry luck in raising Dannielynn and we wish him the best." [TMZ]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and let everyone know about the time you spotted noise-sensitive superarchitect Frank Gehry pumping iron at the Venice Gold's.

Admittedly, we had prepared in advance for other possible outcomes, but in our hearts, we always knew that no amount of baby home hair-coloring products could cover the golden locks Larry Birkhead passed down to his genetic progeny. Moments ago, the elated Entourage background player announced to a gathered crowd that Dannielynn was 99.9999% his. Howard K. Stern then told reporters he was "obviously very disappointed," but that he would "do everything I can to make sure he gets sole custody," as opposed to the baby's overzealous grave-filling grandmother Virgie Arthur. Reports then have the two former adversaries hugging it out, bitch—a tender moment of reconciliation that would have been incredibly moving if it didn't instantly bring to mind the slashfic Stern-on-Birkhead fantasy that scarred us some weeks ago. Developing...

As you may have gathered from the above TMZ headlines (omitted for space: "Person We Don't Recognize Arrives" and "EXCLUSIVE: Courtroom Door Opens and Closes Bunch of Times!"), we are but moments away from learning the results of the DNA tests that will determine the parentage of the last living Anna Nicole heir, Dannielynn Smith. Rest assured, we are keeping on top of this developing story that you have long since stopped caring about, but not so much that you don't want to find out how it all turns out. We now return to our regularly scheduled, non-babydaddy-related programming.

· MGM has teamed up with Salma Hayek for Ventanazul, a production label dedicated to Latin-themed and staffed productions. Hayek will be overseeing operations, with MGM COO Rick Sands explaining, "To the extent that it makes sense for her to act, she'll do that; to the extent that it makes sense for her to produce, she'll do that." He then added, "To the extent that it makes sense for her to do a round of P.R. in an extremely low-cut, tight-fitting top, she'll do that, too." [Variety]
· Next week is Mip TV Mart, which brings with it all the glamour you'd expect from an expo in Cannes peopled by international television sales guys. The question remains, however, of whether or not American shows will continue to net record-breaking license fees from a foreign market hungry for the next cheerleading global savior. [Variety]
· Warner Bros. has greenlit Super Max, in which the Green Arrow is thrown into jail and "stripped of his powers." Will he be able to conquer the bad guys without the use of his trusty boxing-glove arrow? We'll just have to wait and see. [Variety]
· More casting news from Lionsgate's The Christmas Cottage, by far Hollywood's most anticipated holiday-painting-inspired movie! Marcia Gay Harden has signed on to play Painter of Light™ Thomas Kinkade's mother. [THR]
· ABC and CBS tie for first place last night, with audiences tuning in for one of their last looks at nine-season under-the-radar staple King of Queens, and mostly uncomfortable improv comedy Thank God You're Here doing "all right" for a trailing NBC. [THR]

• The Only Thing Better Than A Nicolas Cage Interview is a Nicolas Cage Interview in Japanese [BWE]

Lucky and Flo, the two most adorable, stinky-breathed foot soldiers in the MPAA's ongoing war against entertainment piracy, have been ordered to extend their illegal-disc-sniffing tour of duty in Malaysia well past the loaner month that had originally been agreed to: