Passing up the opportunity to run far more shocking images of a bear caught in the act of defecating in the woods or of the Pope celebrating a Catholic Mass, the UK's News of the World has published a series of blurry stills culled from a post-rehab video allegedly depicting Lindsay Lohan and a pal blowing a rail or 20 in a Teddy's ladies room stall, footage that a well-intentioned friend is sharing with the paper out of concern that the public has heretofore been woefully uninformed about the starlet's love of a little harmless partying. Because the internet is a wondrous and magical place, the pictures have already been assembled into a kicky montage and set to an upbeat soundtrack proliferating on the YouTubes, effectively communicating the spirit of carefree Hollywood fun in which they were taken.

Oh, happy day! Records have fallen, mind-bending studio expenses have been vindicated, and millions of American moviegoers have been moderately entertained on this most glorious of Monday mornings! On to the numbers!

· They wanted it. They got it. That's hot.
· Britney's comeback: Part One, Part Two, and Part Three.
· Hoff, hassled.
· The Wrath of Pong: A trophy goes missing. The hunter becomes the hunted.
· Young Hollywood shows up to see what kind of hot activist tail they can reel in at an Obama fundraising event.
· Trader Vic's flatlines, resuscitated as poolside girlie drink oasis.
· Newsflash: Canadian basic cable sports networks have heard of Bruce Willis, decency standards!
· SpectorWatch: Tales from the Glass Crypt. The tell-tale fingernail.
· Larrylynn escapes from the Bahamas.
· Jesse James gets rescrambled.
· "Facts, figures, thoughts, wisdom." Just a few of the things Russell Crowe imagines are inside producing entity Brian Grazer's head!
· Thomas Dekker is down with playing gay. It's the system that wants him banging chicks on TV!

· This video from the Paris Hilton masterpiece Bottoms Up! reminds us of a simpler time in the soon-to-be incarcerated heiress's life, when irresponsibly operating a motor vehicle didn't have such dire consequences.
·The AP explores the culinary offerings at the Century Regional Detention Center, a "very nice place" where Hilton will cultivate a taste for low-sodium meals and poultry.
·Should you wish to cheer up Paris during her stay, you can send her a care package. Nothing says "Can't wait to see you back on Page Six!" like Gift Pack #2207.
·The "Paris has a New Cell" shirt is the first of what we expect to be many hastily designed, jail-related Paris Hilton garments.

In a shocking decision that has shaken our faith in celebrity slap-on-the-wrist justice and should quickly ignite a series of riots all the way from Hyde to Area (Molotov cocktails fashioned from bottles of top-shelf vodka will soon set ablaze the streets of West Hollywood, so avoid the district effective immediately), TMZ reports that Paris Hilton has been ordered to serve 45 days in jail for violating her probation, and is to begin her sentence (no work release, no sassy electronic ankle bracelets, and, we assume, no conjugal visits allowing her to keep her love life in the tabloids) on June 5th. We'll update if more information becomes available; we'll be spending the rest of our afternoon monitoring our inbox for the first reports of widespread looting on Robertson by angry mobs in Kitson's new line of FREE PARIS t-shirts.

The deep imprint left upon the television landscape by seminal 1980s osteoporotic sitcom The Golden Girls is indisputable: Swap in some Cosmos for a cheesecake, you're looking at a post-menopausal Sex and the City; add an angry lesbian and some Hot Topics, The View. Not surprisingly, the series carries with it a fanatical following, comprised mainly of gay men of a certain age, and no one else. Many of them showed up at Book Soup last night to hear Rue "Blanche" McClanahan read and sign from her new autobiography. A Defamer operative reports from the scene:

Friday
· Music round-up: The Bird and the Bee at the Echoplex; Kinky at the El Rey; Cloud Cult at the Knitting Factory; The Jane Doe's at the Roxy.
· Time for another festival! And if you're on the east side, this one couldn't be more convenient, as the Silver Lake Film Festival is screening in venues including the Los Feliz 3 and at the Barnsdall theater. More info here.
· Dave "Of MTV Fame" Holmes hosts the Friday 40 at iO West, in which contestants are forced to pound forty-ouncers while being interrogated about the events of the previous week. Binge Drinking + Trivia = Fun + Probable Vomiting!
Saturday
·More music: Minus the Bear at the Echoplex; Frog Eyes at Spaceland, Dios (Malos) at RecCenter Studio.
· The Egyptian screens The Hawk is Dying, the story of a Florida auto upholsterer's mid-life crisis. And: the always-awesome Paul Giamatti's in it, as we're sure you were waiting for the hook. A discussion follows with the director.
Sunday
· Bright Eyes plays the Walt Disney Concert Hall. You will be moved.
· Gather in a backyard in Brentwood for the Sasster Blaster party (music! an art auction!) to benefit the SASSAS. [via flavorpill]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line) and tell everyone about how you're still recovering from catching a glimpse of Courtney Love's midriff on a Hollywood sidewalk.

This weekend will be all about Spider-Man 3's inevitable march to the all-time opening weekend box office record (we're still waiting for reports about how audiences at the Thursday midnight screenings volunteered to pay triple if that helped beloved Sony get to $140 million), but that's not going to stop competing studios with their own summer products to overhype from trying to steal some of Spidey's thunder. As we speak, motorists stalled in traffic on Sunset Boulevard are enjoying the spectacle of witnessing one of the Strip's most famous buildings wrapped in the largest pulsating, promotional prophylactic ever attempted by mortals:

In the grand tradition of Lindsay Lohan's Gore-entreating, fully adequite call to arms, and Courtney Love's 53 New Year's Resolutions Towards a Less Demon-Plagued Me, comes yet another worthy addition to the canon of incomprehensible celebrity manifestos. This time, the author is Lost casualty and repeat DUI offender Michelle Rodriguez, who responds on her website forum to lesbian magazine Curve for outing her based on "their own suspicions." Well, despite Kristanna Loken's unsubtle hints in the past that the two had been shacking up, it's simply not so, says Rodriguez. We think:

Please join us in passionately embracing this week's sponsors, who would never leak our drunken, "cry for help" videos to the media to get back at us after our love affair had run its natural course. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and kick off a sure-to-be torrid affair, see this page.

· Here's comes Spider-Man 3! But how much will it make on its domestic opening weekend, after breaking records in 10 of the 16 territories in which it's already playing? Experts agree: a fucking shitload. [[Variety]
· But! Is THR playing the hype card? We're reminded that the beginning of the summer blockbuster season is always accompanied by the loss of "all sense of perspective." Whatever. This movie's doing $400 million in three days, we can feel it. [THR]
· Reese Witherspoon's Type A Films is developing an adaptation of Rebecca Godfrey's Under the Bridge, the "true-crime account of a brutal high school murder." With no superhero angle to speak of and no prospects of breaking Pirates 2's box office record, why are we wasting time on this? Our theory: Witherspoon is in talks to play Mary Jane in Spidey-4. [Variety]
· Liv Tyler will star opposite Edward Norton in next summer's The Incredible Hulk. Opening weekend prediction: a disappointing $37 million. Hey, no Spider-Man cameo. [THR]
· Thursday night's special, two-hour, spinoff-introducing Grey's Anatomy holds the show's usual viewership, so get ready to enjoy Dr. Addison's romantic misadventures on a weekly basis this Fall. (Did we really hear Tim Daly say, "I'm going to kiss you with tongue?" Maybe they're saving the snappier, "I'm going to place my penis inside you. Then move it around" banter for the actual series.) [Variety]

Britney Spears played the Sunset Strip House of Blues last night, the final stop of a comeback trifecta in which Southern Californian fans were given the opportunity to pay $125 for 12 electrifying minutes of high-impact strippercising set to a handful of oldies, flawlessly lipsynched except where the chewing of gum necessitated dropping the occasional lyric. But even the most diehard of Britheads, traveling by caravan from show to show and obsessively comparing set-list notes in parking lots ("She opened with 'One More Time' into 'Slave' in Anaheim too? Whoa.") were in for a few surprises:

TMZ briefly threw a scare into the celebrity media by reporting a rumor that Jay-Z (or "rapresario," in the parlance of our TMZ times) might have maybe possibly perished in a plane crash:

While so many of the tabloids and glossies are hellbent on bathing daily in freshly spilled blood of their famous quarry, it's nice to know that People is unafraid to dedicate the occasional celebrity sacrifice to the gods of Hollywood positivity and call down from the heavens a feel-good, cleansing deluge of Care Bears, gumdrops, and the fluffiest kittens imaginable. You know what, Rosario? We think we will have that cookie! Maybe two!

One would think that the day that a humble former hairdresser [Ed.note—How many movies does a guy have to make before people stop mentioning he used to trim Streisand's bangs? This man made Vision Quest! Does that count for nothing?] is granted the career-validating recognition of a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame would be among the happiest of his life, but Superman Returns producer Jon Peters must have been at least a little disappointed in how his Tuesday induction turned out. Not only did he wake up to discover that his best Hollywood friends had forgotten to purchase full-page suck-up ads in the trades celebrating his cinematic legacy and thanking the show business gods for bringing him into their lives, he also had to deal with some marital nastiness, says Page Six, the leading chronicler of his Walk of Fame Day letdown:

· Katie Holmes' PR team moves into the Get Famous Friends To Talk About How Whipped Tom Is phase of their Operation Make Katie Seem Like Any Other Totally Normal, Non-Imprisoned Working Actress campaign. Who can doubt your "quiet thunder" when Jada Pinkett Smith is bragging about it?
· A fake bid of just $9,900,101.00 could get you behind the wheel of the General Lee. [via Autoblog]
· Jay Leno has some trouble distinguishing between unfunny Latino comedians; perhaps saving him from total humiliation was that he didn't mistake old pal Paul Rodriguez for joke-stealing pariah Carlos Mencia.
· We think this could be a winning idea for L.A., which easily has the highest concentration of celebrity nail clippings in the entire world.

• Rush Hour 3 - trailer [YouTube]

An update on the sad passing of Beverly Hills tiki bar institution Trader Vic's via the ever vigilant Eater LA: Having previously reported that the entire operation would be relocating to the Aqua Star pool area next to the Hilton's Circa 55 restaurant, they report today that the all-new, downsized (in decor, we hope, and not in the portions of their incapacitating umbrella drinks) Trader Vic's Lounge is open and ready for business:

A separate court hearing in the Phil Spector trial began yesterday, to determine what became of a possibly crucial piece of evidence gone missing from the investigation: a fingernail. Some background: In 2004, prosecutors filed a motion claiming the defense had discovered a fingernail blackened by gun powder residue at the crime scene. A clerk on Spector's original team led by Robert Shapiro claimed under oath that the evidence did exist, but it was a tooth, not a nail. Today, another one of Spector's former attorneys corroborated the nail story: