Every so often, Defamer is thrilled to provide its readers with a super-fun opportunity to answer some questions in exchange for a chance to win a totally bitchin' prize. Are you ready to take advantage of this amazing offer that we'd share with you even if our ad sales enforcer weren't threatening to toss our broken bodies into a canyon off Mulholland Drive for noncompliance? Of course you are! So here's what you do: take this survey (we have no idea if it's another one about whom you like to have sex with), send an e-mail with the last question asked to surveys[at]gawker.com, and one random winner will receive a free year of Netflix's 3-at-a-time DVD subscription. How psyched are we on your behalf right now? Very, very psyched, for our standard contest rules apply.

· Robert Rodriguez will direct a remake of 1968 Jane Fonda sci-fi spank vehicle Barbarella for Universal; producer Dino De Laruentiis describes their plans for the project thusly: "In our vision, the future is female, and I can't wait to introduce 'Barbarella' to a new generation of moviegoers." We think we know where he's going with this: space lesbians! [Variety]
· Realizing that launching a hopeful summer blockbuster in the magical month of May seems to boost even the most disappointing of mega-budgeted sequels to record-breaking heights, studios are rushing to claim May release dates for their 2008 and 2009 movies. [THR]
· Broadway Out of Ideas: The Addams Family is being adapted into a musical, scheduled to hit the stage in 2009-10 season. Is it too early to make the easy joke about slapping a Gomez moustache on Hugh Jackman? [Variety]
· Following its corporate parent's "NBCU2.0" mandate to get both cheaper and dumber across all divisions, NBC News shitcans anchor Stone Phillips after 15 years on Dateline, replacing him with a non-union model who will open a briefcase that may or may not contain a videotape of that evening's stories. [THR]
· Richard Gere will take time off from his busy schedule of publicly despoiling Bollywood actresses to produce and star in Hachiko: a Dog's Story. [Variety]

Tonight, we as a nation will have one last chance to choose our sixth American Idol, a coronation that will be completed on tomorrow's bloated, two-hour finale, an event unlikely to be made any more palatable by a surprise appearance by Prince or a moist-eyed David Hasselhoff. What we're most anticipating, however, is the possibility of an old-fashioned Paula Abdul toxic meltdown. The signs are all there:
· We briefly noted yesterday that Abdul broke her nose in an effort to avoid stepping on her dog Tulip, which resulted in a colorful array of jokes in today's headlines. Could something have impaired her ability to maneuver around a Chihuahua? Only Paula, and anyone who can see or hear Paula, knows for certain. [CNN.com]

Some precocious students from RISD are currently circulating the above video on the internets, in which a postlapsarian Sanjaya Malakar begins a new campaign to rape the minds of an American public he hasn't been able to brain-diddle on a mass scale since his shocking Idol dismissal, claiming that "Sanjaya's" entire existence is nothing more than an elaborate art project by someone named "Bill Vendall." It's just cute enough to pass along, so: enjoy, even if it somewhat ruins your pet theory that tomorrow night's winner would dramatically tear off her latex Jordin mask to reveal the pony-hawked incubus beneath.

Let it never be said that Paramount emperor Brad Grey is not a beneficent ruler: To celebrate the success of partner DreamWorks Animation's Shrek the Third, he's setting his subjects free a day early for the Memorial Day weekend, an act of generosity that should remind everyone on the Melrose lot that the Paramount Pictures logo can be found somewhere on the one-sheet of the latest. record-breaking installment of the previously established DW mega-franchise. Grey's e-mail to the company follows, which stops just short of promising all of his underlings an all-expenses-paid week in Cancun should the opening weekend performance of upcoming co-production Transformers bring still more glory to the Paramount name:

We weren't even going to mention Brett Ratner's appearance on Sunday night's episode of Entourage, so disappointed were we that the lovable, attention-craving fauxteur was unable to live up to the standard of hacky-director-cameo excellence set by Crash's Paul Haggis last season. But today's Gatecrasher column notes that Ratner's gently self-satirizing turn accurately mimics his real-life shoot etiquette (we can't recall the exact wording of his most notable line, but we remember it involved the appreciation of a model's ass), forcing us to revisit our letdown:

On dozens of Chatsworth sound stages this morning, obscure adult actresses who have misguidedly assumed the bastardized names of exotic automobiles are seething with jealousy over today's Page Six introduction of porn newcomer Katee Holmes to the public, frustrated that they didn't think of the inspired, attention-grabbing stunt of appropriating the moniker of Tom Cruise's virginal war bride first. Unsurprisingly. the Genuine Holmes' expensive new PR team is less than pleased with the ambitious Katee's plan to surrender her maidenhead on camera as a tribute to her idol:

· We're not going to do Warner Bros.' job for them, but if you go here, here (do a Ctrl-A on that one), here, and then here, you can figure out what the above picture is all about. Congratulations, you've successfully completed a viral marketing campaign.
· Only five felonies? Sizemore's totally losing his edge.
· Polanski throws a tantrum at Cannes, disappointed that the lapdog press didn't whip up some more challenging questions about hot-tube rape.
· "Tripping over a chihuahua" is the new "took two months' worth of prescription painkillers."
· If you plan on ever getting another good night's sleep, don't watch this.

With Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End poised to be the next in a wave of mammoth movie installments currently toppling box office records, star Orlando Bloom—who, having played Gwyneth-haired Elf warrior Legolas in the LOTR trilogy, is no stranger to the grueling schedule of back-to-back adventure trilogy shoots—admits to the MTV Movies Blog of having the kind of career fatigue that plagues only a handful of actors. That is, having one's fill of starring roles in gigantic-budgeted movies that approximately half the world's population will see:

The LAT Buzz Bands blog is breaking some potentially exciting news for deep-pocketed fans of pop music's leading pint-sized, demon-cocked provocateur: Prince is close to announcing a seven-week residency at the Roosevelt this summer. The details:

Radar recalled that in their Summer 2005 issue, they had run photos of some of the items in the repo'd warehouse of Jackson Family memorabilia set to soon hit the auction block, including the sketch of a boy signed by Michael Jackson described in recent reports. As it turns out, it was a profile etching depicting the child from neck up, not overtly disturbing save for the sideways cone-shape of his cranium. Far more intriguing was the 14-point charter of Jackson's now-infamous prepubescent boys' club, the Rubberheads.

· Music round-up: El-P at the El Rey; Albert Hammond Jr. at House of Blues, Gliss at Spaceland (still free).
· Largo's world famous Monday night comedy show will feature David "Credits Too Extensive To List Here" Cross and Vh1's Doug Benson, who has recently gone public with his love of bubble baths.
· El Cid plays host to Shitfest, the amusingly named one-minute-long video competition. A lucky winner will leave the bar a two-hundredaire!

An update on the sad case of Lane Garrison, an actor you likely hadn't heard of until the night he befriended a trio of teenagers and escorted them to a Beverly Hills High School party (just like your own high school parties but with less making out to Duran Duran, and more cocaine and age-inappropriate TV star cameos), resulting in an ill-fated Grey Goose run that killed one and seriously injured two others. Garrison pled guilty today at his arraignment at the Beverly Hills Courthouse:

Because our secret publicity contract with frighteningly handsome, genius-level superproducer Brian Grazer mandates that we draw attention to his every appearance across a variety of media, we note a curious sketch from this weekend's SNL season finale, in which host Zach Braff is harassed by the obsessed assistant (whom, we fear, might be a dude) of one "Brian Gold," a powerful and spikey-haired Hollywood executive. For reasons that are left unexplained in the skit, "Gold" is subletting Grazer's Imagine Entertainment office space, possibly to help defray the cost of the company's exorbitant Beverly Hills rent while the intellectually voracious executive criss-crosses the globe in search of minds to plunder with his creepy powers. After the jump, NBC's official YouTube clip of the sketch, curiously described as "Melissa and Zach Braff make a connection in Brian Grazer's office."

With American Idol soon set to crown its winner and its audience teetering on burnout—even the phone-in results have felt a little phoned-in since Sanjaya was sent packing—Fox is hoping to recapture the nation's sizzling love affair with the couchbound minting of new creative superstars through its latest reality venture, On The Lot. In keeping with current Hollywood trends, no step of the search for the next Spielberg (or, more realistically, the fauxteur apparent to judge Brett Ratner) will remain untouched by the almighty brand-integration dollar:

Please join us in welcoming the newest addition to the Gawker Media* family of blog-formatted web properties: Jezebel, a title just rolled out to service the needs of the vagina-having segment of the internet population, and dedicated to tarnishing the shiny objects that the Women's Magazine Industrial Complex deceives ladies into believing they desire. A snippet from their manifesto:

· Cannes update: Films receiving early praise at Cannes include the Coen brothers' No Country For Old Men, the abortion drama 4 Months, 3 Weeks and 2 Days, and Zodiac, which feels like it was released in America three years ago. You may now return to not caring about what's going on in France (unless it involves Jerry Seinfeld in a bee suit. That was so awesome!) [Variety]
· Because we know that you can't sleep if you don't know what Julia Roberts is up to: She's set to star in a movie based on the the life of African wildlife conservationist Joan Root. Or have more babies and take another five years off from the demands of being Hollywood's Biggest Female Star, depending on her mood. [THR]
· The Emmys are "one step closer" to moving from the Shrine to the shiny new Nokia Theater being built downtown, a change of venue that the TV Academy promises won't have any impact on the show's reliably low entertainment value. [Variety]
· The season finales of Desperate Housewives and Brothers & Sisters overcome token competition from the other networks, giving ABC an underwhelming Sunday night ratings victory. [THR]
· Var provides possibly unreliable evidence that Goldie Hawn is still alive. [Variety]

Instead of merely regurgitating this weekend's escalating war of words between First Widow Candy Spelling—who has found a late-in-life calling penning epistolary diatribes directed squarely at Hollywood's high profile, reckless youth—and fallen flashcore mogul Joe Francis (quick recap: Candy: "You're a boy gone wild!" Joe: "You're a crazy cat lady!"), we thought we'd turn to one of the web's leading opinion-havers on celebrity matters of little-to-no import—Bravo's blogging executive wunderkind, Andy Cohen:

Refusing to languish in the humiliating limbo in which NBC had placed declining franchise The Apprentice as it tried to finalize its new schedule, dignified billionaire Donald Trump has seized control of his television destiny by releasing a statement declaring that he's "moving on...to a major new TV venture." (Though we wouldn't be surprised to see a full-page Variety ad appear tomorrow featuring Trump strangling a peacock once he's had another day to marinate in his rage over the network's affront.) While the nature of this "new TV venture" remains undisclosed, we suspect it will somehow tie in to his latest attempt at brand extension, revolving around the mogul's recent foray into the high-end meats business; a teaser poster for Trump Steaks: The Series (catchphrase: "You're underdone.") follows after the jump:

If you naively believed that Sylvester Stallone's involvement in Rocky Balboa represented the absolute rock-bottom in career-reviving desperation, we humbly submit this preview footage from John Rambo (released to Ain't It Cool on Saturday), the actor's latest attempt to make ageist Hollywood take notice of the perfectly competent, fading action star it so callously discarded at the beginning of the decade. Be forewarned: the footage is bloody, so depending on your workplace's policy on viewing graphic violence perpetrated by a Vietnam veteran driven insane from botched cosmetic surgery that's rendered him nearly unrecognizable from his younger, PTSD-powered-vigilante self, you may need to watch it on your lunch break.