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On dozens of Chatsworth sound stages this morning, obscure adult actresses who have misguidedly assumed the bastardized names of exotic automobiles are seething with jealousy over today's Page Six introduction of porn newcomer Katee Holmes to the public, frustrated that they didn't think of the inspired, attention-grabbing stunt of appropriating the moniker of Tom Cruise's virginal war bride first. Unsurprisingly. the Genuine Holmes' expensive new PR team is less than pleased with the ambitious Katee's plan to surrender her maidenhead on camera as a tribute to her idol:

"It's a really cheap shot," a rep for the actress, who's married to Tom Cruise, told Page Six. But Shy Love, an adult film vet who manages the 5-foot-9, 122-pound Katee - a small-town girl from Illinois - insisted: "Katee is using the name as a tribute to Katie, who has always portrayed an innocence in everything she's done, beginning with 'Dawson's Creek.' " [...]

"I know it's pretty extreme to lose my virginity on camera, but I like the fulfillment and excitement I get from watching porn, so I figured [a movie] was the best place for me to lose it," the not-that-innocent Katee said. "How many people wished they could relive their first experience, if not to remember it but to learn from it, right?"

Love said she'll start slow with her improbable virgin, having Katee try a girl/girl encounter first. "She comes to the porn world completely natural - with a perky pair of A-cup breasts that are far too perfect to have been constructed by any doctor. And she's not just a porn virgin, but an actual never-been-kissed virgin," Love gushed.

Holmes' camp is weighing her possible recourse. A friend of Katie told us, "It's really kind of sleazy, using her name like that."

A spokeswoman for Cruise said, "Obviously, Tom would support Katie in anything she decides to do about it."

Cruise's offer to help protect his wife's virtue is touching; should she decide she's uncomfortable with the shoot of Katee's First Time, which will tastefully mimic the actress's fourth-season Dawson's Creek deflowering, he'll do anything in his power to forestall her embarrassment; once she gives him the go-ahead, he'll immediately dispatch a megaphone-wielding army of the Celebrity Center's finest coitus-disrupters to interfere with the production, who'll distract scene partner Pacey Everhard with shouted questions about the horrifying, baby-violating crimes of his past lives until he's no longer able to achieve an erection.