Perhaps the only thing more depressing than calculating that if Paris Hilton receives the $1 million NBC is reportedly paying her for their World! Exclusive! Post-Jail! Interview!, she effectively will have earned $43,478.26 for each of the 23 days she served in prison is reading about the behind-the-scenes chess match (chess is the game where one person places a stack of twenty-dollar bills on a table, and then the other player counters by dumping a Hefty bag full of hundreds on top of it, right?) that resulted in the Peacock's big "get." The NY Times reports that NBC was triumphant in the Hilton showdown because ABC, like the tragic loser in so many ethnic-joke duels, brought a knife to a gunfight:

Having long ago seized control of the dissemination of Indiana Jones 4 news from the gossip-prone media, Lucas Online'sIndianaJones.com strikes again with another appetite-whetting tidbit: They've released the first photograph of a glassy-eyed Harrison Ford wearing his "familiar" Indy costume while slumped in a director's chair taken since 1989, when a set photographer on The Last Crusade captured the actor reclining with a half-empty bottle of Jameson's following the completion of what he believed would be his last scene as the iconic adventurer, moments before being shooed away with the gently slurred words, "Take your photo, monkey! I'm finally free of this stupid. Fuck-ing. Hat! Never again! I have Oscars to win." Though there have been some concerns that the sexagenarian Ford might be a little too old to convincingly reprise the physically demanding role, the final version of this official inaction photo should completely quell those fears once post-production on it has been completed; to this point, Industrial Light & Magic's best age-reversing effects engineers have only had the chance to remove conspicuous liver spots from the back of the star's lone visible hand, but after the jump, we present a rough cut of what the image will look like once they're finished:

· The disturbing photo (left) of the House Speaker posted prominently on Drudge Report earlier this afternoon had us thinking that if someone ever makes The Nancy Pelosi Story, the agent for the Creature from Pan's Labyrinth is going to be getting a call.
· Stop crying and say "cheese," The Smoking Gun recommends to aspiring, teary-eyed mugshot models.
· The popular Perez Hilton blogsite goes temporarily dark after getting yanked by its panicking, lawsuit-averse service provider, leaving the internets temporarily short on Photoshopped satire involving male ejaculate and pictures of Britney Spears making a Starbucks run. But it's back now, restoring order to brief chaos.
· You really haven't seen anything until you've seen a reporter hit in the chest by a pair of 10-pound Asian carp.
· A handwriting expert examines Paris Hilton's response to her jailhouse fan-mail for our sisters at Jezebel, and the results will shock you. Or maybe not: "To a graphologist, the Paris Hilton writing looks like somebody caught in pre-rebellious, pre-pubescent years while most children are under the sway of teachers and parents."

If Lindsay Lohan's recent Rock-Bottom Memorial Day Weekend Spectacular could be crystallized into one image, it would likely be a photograph taken of the actress the night after her drug-related arrest: It featured the starlet being carted off unconscious from Teddy's, eyes closed, mouth agape, and in possession of a pale, violet-tinged complexion that suggested the earliest stages of rigor mortis had begun to set in. In other words, it looked like your average American Apparel ad, and the fact that she just happened to be wearing one of the hipster sportswear company's hoodies at the time made it a near no-brainer for inclusion in their recent marketing efforts. From the NY Times:

This just in from the Defamer Special Correspondent on Things Currently Trapped in an Elevator Shaft at William Morris:

· Music round-up: Tortoise at the El Rey; Norah Jones (with special guest M. Ward) at the Greek; Boyz II Men at the House of Blues; Cisco Alder (with special guests His Huge Balls) at the Roxy.
· LACMA stays open all night (well, at least until 3 a.m.) with art, music, and film presentations, giving you plenty of time to stumble in after hitting the bars and drunkenly wander the grounds.
· The L.A. Film Festival kicks off tonight with an opening night gala screening of Talk to Me, then continues on through July 1st. And at some point along the way, DreamWorks, Paramount, and Michael Bay will lay waste to Westwood Village to celebrate the arrival of Transformers.

Pinkberry has weathered its fair share of trials recently—perhaps that's to be expected, as any Borg-like entity steadily converting the L.A. population into one Fruity-Pebble-consuming master race is sure to meet with some pockets of resistance. But the march continues, aided by the morale boost of an LAT study which revealed their "chilly bliss" includes among its top-secret ingredients some actual, yogurt-like substances:

When we read Jerry Seinfeld's pre-Bee Movie screening comments about the insects' "perfect society" ("Other insects are just kind of crawling around. They don't have the sophistication of the bee. They have no crime, they have no drugs, they have no rape. A little rape, but it's not that bad.") in today's Rush & Molloy column this morning, we paused, wondered if the joke might result in the kind of controversy that reliably follows any spontaneous attempt at rape-related humor, then decided that the words would probably pass unprotested, for bee-rape advocacy groups are notoriously disorganized. Unfortunately for Seinfeld, other organizations are more vigiliant. Radar collects a smattering of speedy admonishments:

No superhero—not even the everyday variety that manages to juggle bionic blogging abilities with extraordinary TV executive powers—comes out of the box fully formed. We therefore turn once again to Andy's Blog, the cheery corner of the internet where Bravo's Andy Cohen lets his thoughts out for air, for what might very well be the origin myth of the world's most spotlight-friendly Super-Exec:

Even though the above video lacks conclusive evidence that Pamela Anderson's nipple was briefly visible on last night's episode of Conan, its Zapruder-like examination of the footage is amazingly effective in making us aware of how many precious seconds of our lives we were wasting trying to catch a split-second glimpse of a famous person's areola. We were especially ashamed about the state of our lives while expending a full three minutes trying to set the slider precisely on the :27 mark during our seventh viewing, a frustrating effort which still didn't produce the results we'd hoped for.

With that dramatic, 11th-hour restoration of health benefits keeping dozens of third-tier talent agency assistants who've proven an ability to survive on low wages out of the job market, there's never been a better time to improve your own career prospects with the Defamer Job Board, where many employers who occasionally offer an impressive variety of free breakfast foods can be found.

· Imagine's Brian Grazer will superproduce an adaptation of the graphic novel Cowboys and Aliens for DreamWorks and Universal, a project the spikey-haired seeker described as the "perfect realization of all the cowboys-meeting-aliens-related ideas I've been quietly developing since I was a hyperactive six years old locked in my bedroom with a chest full of toys." [Variety]
· Fox's show about people who think they can dance continues to shame their one about people who think they can direct movies, pulling in more than triple the viewers of the last On The Lot installment. [THR]
· Another famously overweight TV personality rumored to be under consideration to replace Bob Barker is Drew Carey. [Variety]
· Advertisers give a $2.4 billion upfront vote of confidence to Steve McPherson's vision for ABC, with one Madison avenue booster gushing, "Have you heard about this Cavemen thing? It's like a sitcom and car insurance commercial all rolled into one! Think of what they could do with that Coke ad with the polar bears." [THR]
· Stripping off his shirt and smearing his entire body in warpaint, CEO Howard Stringer whipped 7,000 employees into a frenzy at a shareholder ceremony in which he dramatically declared himself the "Sony Warrior." [Variety]

Feeling, perhaps, that a single, lesbian-authored petition that lumped him in the same ABC discard pile as Star Jones would hardly be sufficient to clear his good name, Isaiah Washington has finally taken the business of salvaging his reputation into his own hands—and in the process, shed some light on what exactly it was he was referring to in his now-legendary, post-axing battle cry, "I'm mad as hell and not going to take anymore." In an interview yesterday with the Houston Chronicle, Washington outlined his side of the story, describing the actions of an ambitious young actor, who leaped upon an offensive word regrettably uttered during a set dispute and rode the six-letter missile to new heights of stardom:

LATimes.com uses the occasion of former Warner Bros. head Terry Semel's recent ouster from Yahoo! to assemble a handy, clip-n-save-quality scorecard helping you stay current on how your favorite former studio bigwigs are keeping themselves busy. While the group's fortunes range from Peters' tragically undercelebrated enshrinement on the Walk of Fame to Katzenberg's ogre-enabled DreamWorks Animation moguldom, arguably none of them has enjoyed as fulfilling a second act as erstwhile Disney Grand Mouseketeer Michael Eisner, who is happily sharing his twin passions for low-rated basic cable talk shows and 70s-kitsch trading cards with his old friends.

It feels like only yesterday that Paris Hilton was re-jailed after one magical night of luxuriating in the freedom of home-imprisonment, but the moment when she finally emerges from an unjust incarceration and shines as a Mandelaesque beacon of hope to all of those affected by Los Angeles County's oppressive system of celebutardtheid is nigh. And when Hilton exits the Century Regional Detention Facility sometime next week, she will need to be greeted by a television camera and a friendly face to ease her transition into her new role as Goodwill Ambassador for Stuff She Cares About Now.

The producers of Captivity, still reeling from protests about their overly graphic, unauthorized billboards, should gird themselves for a fresh round of outrage from the public. Once it's discovered that their movie contains disturbing images of star Elisha Cuthbert being disembowelled by sadistic bears, they'll likely face protests by PETA, and be forced to fall back once again on the disingenuous explanation that they're just trying to tell an uplifting story of grizzly empowerment.

· If you find The Squirrelpult too upsetting, Cow Rescue should restore your faith in your fellow man's capacity for animal-related good. [via BWE]
· No matter how old Harrison Ford looks these days, his Indiana Jones LEGO figure will always let you remember him as the strapping Raiders of the Lost Ark adventurer with whom you first fell in love.
· Yet another blow to your belief in the total authenticity of everything you see on reality television shows.

Because, like death, Ontario-themed news tends to come in threes, we round out the latest wave of Defamer Canadiana (it began with a girl-on-girl mauling at the Eislers' place in Kingston, then continued today with a Jack Bauer debate on Ottawa's Parliament Hill) with the exciting announcement that The O.C.'s resident yummy mummy, Kelly "Kiki Cohen" Rowan (born in Ottawa!) has netted the northern land mass's most loaded—and by extension desirable—bachelor. From a People.com Canadian! Supermarriage! Exclusive!:

Backtracking from recent remarks that have been construed in the media as an endorsement of Rosie O'Donnell's candidacy to replace him on the The Price Is Right, retiring emcee Bob Barker today clarified what he meant when he said he had "no doubt" O'Donnell would make a good host, telling the AP, "I have not been asked for my opinion, nor have I expressed one. I think there are several candidates who could do the show, and Rosie is certainly one of them." (To his credit, the discreet Barker made no reference to a heated, closed-door meeting with Les Moonves earlier today in which the CBS Corp. head promised "to sew the balls back on every neutered dog and cat in town [himself] if [Barker] said another word about handing over the show to that [woman of below-average attractiveness].") O'Donnell has yet to publicly comment on this seeming blow to her chances of landing the job, but Defamer has exclusively obtained the ad she is placing-in tomorrow's Variety to address onetime idol Barker's unexpected withdrawal of support, one that echoes her earlier attempt at currying favor with the gameshow legend:

· Music round-up: Radio Birdman at the El Rey; The Feyd-Rautha Trio at the Staples Center; Jesse Malin at the Troubadour.
· Aloud at the Central Library brings together The Night Listener author Armistead Maupin in conversation with Letters to Montgomery CLift writer Noel Alumit. Will Robin Williams be discussed? Only if you're lucky.
· The Aero hosts a sneak preview of Evening, a film so star-studded that its cast list will likely cause you to faint in amazement if we offered more than just the names Meryl Streep and Glenn Close.