At least in the LATimes.com's estimation, the terrifyingly hirsute, late 70s-era Robin Williams rates behind Alf, but ahead of Lassie, Snuffleupagus, and the Geico-ABC Cavemen (his closest evolutionary ancestors) in the pantheon of hairiest TV stars. Obviously, whomever compiled this list didn't know that the producers of Mork & Mindy demanded that Williams be soaked in a tub filled with Nair up until the moment he had to go before the cameras on shoot night, when they'd struggle to get through as many scenes as possible before the actor's freakish body regenerated enough fur to burst Mork's iconic rainbow suspenders and ruin his takes, a fact that probably would have guaranteed him a position above an artificially shaggy sitcom puppet.

Selected credits from the IMDb profile of the former Playmate and current actor/motorcycle collector that Bruce Willis is currently boinking: Latina Girlfriend #4, Woman Across Street, Hot Model, Woman at Las Vegas convention, Playmate #1, Taller Brunette Lifeguard. [P6]

On general principal, we're not even going to read this story, because we can't risk having our cherished vision of the Mansion as Eden with Fucking—a magical, sex-positive paradise where priapic octagenarians can maintain basic-cable-friendly harems and B-list celebrities can get laid with no more effort than the flashing of a well-worn SAG card—tarnished by such allegations.

With Lindsay Lohan's reported stay at Utah's Cirque Lodge currently impeding her ability to generate more gossip-column content on her own (that is, unless she hijacks a wild horse or a helicopter and makes a break for the bars of Park City), the tabloids have been forced to reach out to the Lohan-adjacent for new stories. In the upcoming issue of In Touch, the actress's former bodyguard celebrates the sacred bond between human shield and vulnerable client by sharing some of his fondest memories of his time as a member of the Lohan family. From Page Six:

We're having trouble remembering the punchline to that old joke that goes: "How many women must a crackpot music producer threaten with a loaded firearm before jurors finally discount his highly unlikely story that a failed actress was so depressed, she followed him home to his mansion one night to kill herself?" (We're pretty sure that in every iteration, however, the answer was five or less.)

One set of celebrity children who will likely never stare back at you from underneath a magazine headline reading HELP! is Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie's multicultural brood—unless, of course, the story in question seeks to expose how the doting parents are suffocating their orphan collection with too much love. The new issue of Life & Style boasts 10! pages! of exclusive! pics of the weekend-long celebration of Maddox's sixth year, which no less a source than Brad himself is said to have declared the tyke's "best birthday ever."

Like Snoop Dogg before him, actor Ed Harris is the latest American celebrity to cause a ruckus at London's Heathrow Airport. While officials should have rightly waived the actor through the sounding metal detectors on the strength of his transcendent supporting work in The Hours alone, the actor's mini-tantrum and the ensuing discovery of a knife in his pocket instead resulted in Harris being taken into police custody and missing his flight to L.A. The Mirror reports:

"The aforementioned Brazilian Butt Fetish is described as 'pretty women reveal curvaceous features.' The Hottest Housewife is 'sexy women reveal their best traits.' Strap-On Sally 18 is ]gorgeous women please one another.' And Handjobs Across America is, quite accurately, 'young women enjoy simple pleasures.'" [TV Week]

· Music round-up: You Am I at Spaceland; Electrocute at Troubadour; Stevenson Ranch Davidians at the Echo
· Laurie Viera Rigler reads from her new novel Confessions of a Jane Austen Addict, at Vroman's. If the title alone isn't enough to guarantee an option for an Emmy Rossum film, here's the description: It's "the tale of a modern L.A. woman trying to heal a broken heart with Jane Austen novels & Absolut Vodka. One morning, she awakes to find herself trapped in 19th-century England in another woman's body. Using only her knowledge from Emma & Persuasion, she frantically searches for a way back home while suffering through questionable hygiene, suffocating chaperones, and the social mores of Regency England."
· The Egyptian hosts a Kurt Vonnegut double feature of Slaughterhouse-Five and Happy Birthday, Wanda June.

Sure, it was cute enough to click around Us Weekly's little online game showing what a handful of actresses would look like deprived of their "beauty trademarks," like Angelina Jolie without her lips, or Kirsten Dunst minus that adorably weird mouthful of razor-sharp baby teeth. But it's just wrong what their Photoshopping sadists did to the most spectacular cleavage of a still-maturing Hollywood generation. Even putting that image in people's minds for as along as it takes to move on to the next photo is a reckless endangerment of Scarlett Johansson's acting career. Nice work, Us sickies.

Should the prolonged strike everyone's nervous about ever come to pass, the studios could resort to using cheap, non-union talent to keep their lucrative movie franchises on schedule and avoid the huge financial losses of production delays. In the interest of helping with their alternative casting plans, we direct any desperate producers to this thread on a Mazda owners' message board [warning: not graphic, but probably NSFW], in which a confused poster describes how he stumbled upon some Detroit-area superhero hopefuls keeping their chops sharp in case they ever get the call from Sony to step in and make sure Spider-Man 4: Spidey on Venom gets into the multiplex on time.

Anna Nicole Smith's methadone-infused light may have been snuffed much too soon, but her memory will live on in a steady barrage of endlessly exploitable audio-visual materials. For example, a Texas plastic surgeon has been attempting to sell a videotape he made of a routine gazonga-insertion procedure she underwent back in 1994. Now, creepy lurking legal presence Howard K. Stern, still hanging around in her afterlife, has overseen a temporary restraining order against the doctor:

• Olivia Munn's Hot Beef Injection [Fleshbot]

This impersonator may not bear as strong a physical resemblence to Lindsay Lohan as the one from earlier today, but probably does a better job of capturing her spirit. [YouTube]

· The moviegoing public's hunger for threequels has proven so lucrative that studio executives have taken to using three hundred-dollar bills at a time to wipe themselves in celebration of their incredible run of summer success. [Variety]
· Will Hollywood's mad rush to get projects into the production pipeline before a possible strike result in movies which are shittier than normal? Answer: Yup, almost certainly. [THR]
· Warner Bros. is planning a live-action, big-screen version of the Hanna-Barbera cartoon Johnny Quest. Not that anyone asked us, but there's no way this gets made without Timberlake attached to star, right? [Variety]
· Just 2 million dedicated moviemaking fans tune in to Fox's absurdly low-rated—but still alive and kicking!—On The Lot on Tuesday night, as the show quickly approaches its goal of having a single viewer for each dollar in the competition's $1 million top prize. [THR]
· Imagine visionary Brian Grazer will superproduce the tentatively titled series The FBI for Fox, a project that should finally satisfy Grazer's burning desire to do "a thing about the CIA or the ATF or NSA or whichever one of those places with the cool initials will let me sleep on the floor of their offices for a few months so I can soak up the atmosphere. And maybe shoot a gun." [Variety]

The emaciated husk of a formerly zaftig Courtney Love still steadfastly insists her rapid weight loss was achieved through entirely safe and natural means, with a self-devised nutritional system so effective, we wouldn't be the least bit surprised to see a chain of Courtney Love Weight Loss Centers popping up around the country. But for those concerned that even the slightest blast of guitar feedback might now turn the rocker into a human tumbleweed, Love reassures her blog readers in her trademarked pidgin prose that she's already packing the pounds back on through that most popular of snack-sized Hollywood peace offerings, the cupcake:

Says WGA president Patric Verrone: "We as writers feel very strongly that this industry is changing. We don't know how these things are gonna evolve and develop. But because we don't have crystal balls, we need to have the other kind..." [LAT]

• Lindsay Or a Look-A-Like? [The Insider]

Busty, minor Hilton sidekick Kim Kardashian's disappointing sex tape apparently made a perfect reel for her own E! reality show. [Gatecrasher (second item)]