The scream-headline urgency of Extra's breaking news press release on the sharp object jutting from Matt Damon's ear on the red carpet of the Berlin premiere of The Bourne Ultimatum had us briefly concerned that the beloved actor had become an exhibitionist self-mutilator as an unhealthy response to the pressure of his constant promotional obligations, but we'd urge you not to succumb to the same ill-informed panic: his publicist says that he was just wearing it to combat a "terrible spasm" in his neck and back. Everything's OK! But what exactly was so terrifying about the needle that the celebrity newsmagazine was scrambling to get an exclusive on That Thing In Matt Damon's ear? After the jump, we think we've found an image of the therapeutic implement that could have brought Hollywood to a standstill if left unexplained:

An update to yesterday's Happy Hour tragedy in WeHo, when venerable cocktailing and banana-thong-swinging institution Micky's succumbed to non-metaphorical flaming: In our scramble to bring you updates, it turns out one of our tips—that upscale neighboring bar East West was also affected—was incorrect. CBS2 reported the fire started in a malfunctioning air conditioning unit in the basement and, fueled by inventory meant for thousands of green appletinis, quickly engulfed the building.

Struck by the apparent irony of a network that calls itself The Learning Channel deploying grammatically incorrect pop-up graphics (above) during new series LA Ink, the proprietor of social networking site ifuckinghateyou.com last week e-mailed TLC to make them aware of their egregious your/you're error, receiving this response:

Because we know that every glimpse—no matter how brief, barely detectable, or obscured by low-quality video pixellation—of a famous person's accidentally revealed breasts adds five years to your life, we direct you to this video of Beyonce's dress flying up at a concert. Maybe you'll feel a little dirty as you click the replay button that ninth time, but promise yourself that you'll use those extra four decades on earth to atone for your perviness and those feelings will quickly subside. [HollywoodTuna]

· Michael Bay now officially prefers Paramount's HD-DVD Kool-Aid (how exactly one drinks it "hook line and sinker" is still a mystery) to that served by Blu-Ray enthusiasts: "Last night at dinner I was having dinner with three Blu-Ray owners, they were pissed about no Transformers Blu-Ray and I drank the kool aid hook line and sinker. So at 1:30 in the morning I posted - nothing good ever comes out of early am posts mind you - I over reacted. I heard where Paramount is coming from and the future of HD and players that will be close to the $200 mark which is the magic number. I like what I heard." [via Variety]
· This is probably the most fun game in the arcade, right up that surprisingly strong French maid snaps your arm like a twig.
· Of course, no list of misleading URLs would be complete without the grandest of them all, Hollywood's own WhorePresents.com.
· Colombian Actress Swaps Heroin For Nudity.

Now, however, Mary-Kate (right? Yeah, the Mary-Kate one) is making out with Sir Ben Kingsley in indies and landing showy roles on Weeds, so we'll assume she's the one we'd always thought was destined for bigger things than So Little Time and When in Rome. Above, find a promo clip for her new Showtime gig, which in a short 40-second runtime reinforces our feeling that the show's producers probably stunt-cast the best possible Olsen as their Jesus-freak pothead.

WeHo girlie-drink and go-go boy temple Micky's—where, ironically, Adam Sandler and Kevin James did some of the initial field research that informed their sensitive portrayals as fake gay firemen in I Now Pronounce You Chuck and Larry—is currently burning. "Fairly big fire, lots of trucks," one tipsters tells us.
UPDATE: Another reader writes: "FYI - It's also East/West lounge (the one tolerable bar on that little strip) is also burning in WeHo. One person injured, another two rescued from inside. The gays are going to be mourning tonight." [Micky's]

John August, the screenwriter frequently employed by Tim Burton and writer/director of soon-to-be-released The Nines, has been guest blogging over at EW's PopWatch. (August is no stranger to the world of blogspots, having for a number of years now applied his know-how to his own, screenwriter's resource blog—to our knowledge, the one place on the internet where aspiring Hollywood scribes can get solid advice on how best to answer the questions that might one day be asked of them for DVD bonus materials.) In today's PopWatch post, August expresses his understandable frustration with ill-informed junket reporters:

· Music round-up: Beastie Boys at the Wiltern; Earlimart at Echoplex;, The Like at Cinespace.
· The New Beverly Cinema's monthly screening for the Grindhouse Film Festival offers a double-bill of Bloodeaters and Man from Deep River.
· We're not entirely sure what a Vision Board is, but we know it has something to do with The Secret™, the Oprah-approved method for making the popcorn ceiling of your studio apartment rain hundred-dollar bills with nothing but the power of your mind. A Vision Board Collage workshop is being held at the Bodhi Tree Annex, naturally.

Earlier today, the quite unexpected news that Noted Hollywood Liberal Janeane Garofalo would be joining the cast of 24, a television program co-created by a Self-Described—Albeit Jokingly, Ha!—Right-Wing Nutjob, was announced, a collision of bleeding-heart-matter/conservative-antimatter that could release more destructive energy on the Greater Los Angeles area than a nuke detonated in Valencia. (Have we drenched your screen in enough hyperbole yet? We think we have.) But how does Garofalo feel about taking the gig? A reporter from the Ottawa Sun in the right place at the right time (i.e., on the set of the less politically divisive TV project Binky "about the bittersweet relationship between a cranky rock critic and her mother's Jack Russell Terrier") gets her first thoughts:

The bizarre Koo Koo Roo eating habits of your favorite stars of the 1960s/70s, revealed! "DINERS at the Koo Koo Roo in L.A. were jolted when they saw Faye Dunaway sashay in wearing gym clothes and plastic food-handling gloves. 'She ordered chicken and broccoli to go, and then she sat at a table with her food container," reports cyber gossip Janet Charlton. 'She pulled a tiny scale out of her purse and . . . proceeded to pull the chicken meat off the bones and weigh it. She piled the bones and skin on a napkin. She carefully weighed the chicken meat and broccoli, and the broccoli was a little short, so she went to the counter and asked for more.'" [P6]

Even if you've only achieved an "Oh, he's the guy on that show who's not Hasselhoff" level of fame, it still has to be embarrassing to bust yourself up on one of those fancy future-scooters so badly you might miss your show's finale. [AH]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you spotted beloved East Side mainstay Kiefer Sutherland in his rightful place, mingling among the drunk and unwashed masses at Sunset Junction.

While disenfranchised leather daddies and various species of indigenous hipster discussed Sunset Junction's overcrowding problem over warm cups of Dos Equis at this weekend's suffocatingly hot street fair, those who couldn't be bothered with the festival huddled at Vice magazine's pool party at The Standard in WeHo on Saturday, where matters of far greater cultural import were debated over free, ice-cold bottles of Colt 45. Defamer videographer Molly McAleer files this brief video dispatch of her pre-Junction foray to the event.

Why can't the government just keep sending unemployment checks until you've finished your screenplay and/or finally booked a series regular gig on a hit show? Ponder this and other frustrating, employment-related questions as you scour the Defamer Job Board for an opportunity to once again contribute to society.

· Javier Bardem and Penelope Cruz are in talks to star in a film version of the musical Nine for the Weinstein Co; when reached for comment on his potential cast, Harvey Weinstein said, "I may be jumping the gun, but if Penelope doesn't get nominated, I'll willingly blind myself with a rusty salad fork." [Variety]
· Noted liberal Janeane Garofalo (she even had an Air America show!) is joining the cast of 24 this season; oh, to be a fly on the wall overhearing the debates she'll be having with self-described "right-wing nutjob" co-creator Joel Surnow at the craft services table! Surnow, of course, can always retaliate for any political acrimony by having Jack Bauer torture her government agent character with a belt sander for suspected collusion with terrorists. [THR]
· Paramount chooses sides in the scintillating hi-def DVD format war, aligning with HD-DVD over Blu-Ray. [Variety]
· Hollywood Out Of Ideas, Your Head Will Explode If You Have An Original Thought After The Age of 30 Edition: Warner Bros. pulls a long-gestating remake of Logan's Run off the shelf, handing the project over to commercial director Joseph Kosinski for his feature debut. [THR]
· Hairspray becomes just the tenth musical to cross the $100 million mark in domestic box office, proving that there was, in fact, a healthy market for John Travolta in terrifying housefrau drag. [Variety]

Our vision of the lobbies of major book chains being decorated by cardboard standees, featuring a smiling, two-dimensional O.J. Simpson holding a ski-mask in one hand and a blood-stained knife in the other, may never come to pass, as Barnes & Noble has announced it has no plans to carry If I Did It, the little confessional murder-memoir that could. From the AP report:

Harvey Weinstein, seasonal mounter of bloody, take-no-prisoners Oscar campaigns that leave scores of voters forever scarred by his onslaught, knows that it's never to early to start For Your Consideration pimping for his beloved talent. In a NY Times story about the strategically slow rollout of I'm Not There, the Bob Dylan biopic (trailer here for the curious) in which the musician is portrayed by no fewer than 700 different actors, Weinstein threatens suicide if his favorite Dylan isn't recognized by the Academy:

After a thorough examination by former BB housemate and best friend Dr. Will Kirby, Boogie is informed that he has contracted a genital wart (see it magnified 1000x at the 4:30 mark!), prompting the crossover reality star to immediately visit Sunset Tan to get the his penis spray-tanned back to a uniform, perfectly bronzed color.

Even though trying to bring a red-spandexed comic book hero to the screen has virtually destroyed the careers of bigger actors, Ryan Reynolds seems unafraid to take a stab at playing The Flash, as long as they can slow the legendary speedster down enough for everyone to get a look at how hard he's been whaling on his abs for the role: "'I'd love to do it, it's just making it feasible,' he contended. 'It's a lot of money and it's a very difficult character to represent. You can't just have [the Flash] be a blur running by. These days people need to see more than that.'" [MTV Movie Blog]