· Owen Wilson attempts the unthinkable.
· The Hoboken Beach Diet Bandit terrorizes Paradigm.
· 1 out of 1 moms asked love Kid Nation.
· Bruce Cutler abandons Phil Spector.
· Defamer visits the Derby Dolls.
· Miss Teen South Carolina gives what could likely be the worst answer in pageant history.
· Jim Carrey sends one from the heart.
· K-Fed becomes The CW's new secret weapon.
· 50 Cent becomes Britney's.
· Cavemen drops the pretense.
· Andy Dick does Andy Dick.
· Big Brother's Amber goes from Head of Household to head of the free world.
· Posh Spice gets a job.
· Dessarae Bradford plugs her projects.

· What happens when a Photoshop contest asks entrants to combine half of one celebrity's face with half of another's? You likely never sleep again.
· "Club: Andy Dick groped, offended, urinated." Your point?
· You didn't think we'd let you get away for your long weekend without letting you know what Chad Michael Murray thought about K-Fed, did you? He likes him!
· Fine, so maybe Terrence Howard has some strange preoccupation with feminine hygiene and baby wipes. He also saved a Los Angeles magazine reporter from choking to death on a piece of sushi with the Heimlich maneuver. (But then insisted she dispose of the offending Unagi morsel with a hermetically sealed Wet-Nap.)
· There's something bothering us about Hillary Clinton and we just can't put our fingers on it.

We admit that our knowledge of the choreography world is extremely limited—we cite So You Think You Can Dance finalist Danny Tidwell's ode to a Grecian goddess and the "Thank You For Being a Friend" Dancers as some of our major influences—so we'll just have to take Defamer videographer Molly McAleer's word that the attendees of The Carnival "Choreographer's Ball," held last night at the Key Club, are some of the biggest figures in the hip-hop dance arena. If you've ever wondered where the latest, outrageously named dance crazes are launched, apparently it's right here at this star-studded showcase, where even K-Fed has been known to make an appearance, showing off his ridiculous Toe Wop, Aunt Jackie, and Chicken Noodle Soup games.

Friday
· Music round-up: You, Me and Iowa at Spaceland, Downtown Six at the Viper Room, and the Great Glass Elevator goes nowhere at the Troubadour.
· Did you have any idea that it's BlogDay today? Well it is! What did you get us?
· American Cinematheque at the Aero Theatre presents 1970 concert doc Led Zeppelin Live at the Royal Albert Hall. Director Stanley Dorfman will be on hand for a discussion.

OK! magazine's dramatically unspecific allegations yesterday that Larry Birkhead is not the upstanding, profoundly moral soul we'd expect an Anna Nicole Smith ex to be left us to speculate on our own about his torrid secrets. Now, TMZ dumps lighter fluid and a match on the smoldering coals with suspiciously well-timed rumors that MSNBC anchor Rita Cosby's dishy Anna Nicole tell-all — conveniently available Sept. 4! — claims Birkhead slipped Howard K. Stern something entirely different:

Not since we were reduced to puddles of cooing mush over David Schwimmer in his adorable Caine Mutiny Court Marshall sailor outfit have we been so tickled by an internet ad featuring a familiar actor wearing a ridiculous theater costume than we have with this one, touting Lou Diamond Phillips's upcoming turn in a touring production of Camelot. The recently unencumbered La Bamba star is no stranger to the musical theater stage, having already thrilled Broadway in The King and I, thus ensuring audiences that his King Arthur will be fully realized and adhere closely to the script—unlike Val Kilmer's Moses, who was known to interrupt the Burning Bush sequence in Ten Commandments: The Musical with improvised rapping about "his dogg, J-Hovah."

As you head off on your long-weekend escapades, seeking to squeeze the final drops of fun out of the Historic Summer of 2007, take a moment to consider Defamer sponsors—this week's particularly—and how their various blue-chip products, services, and attractions might enhance your lives in the months to come. As always, if you'd like to advertise with us and reach the sharpest, most attractive demographic on the planet, everything you need to know is right here.

· We're impressed with Variety's show of headline-pun restraint with this one: The plug has been pulled on Stopping Power, Jan De Bont's planned action thriller starring John Cusack, after funding fell through at the last minute. [Variety]
· Conflicting with other reports, Ang Lee's Lust, Caution "thrilled" Venice audiences. One journalist asked if the graphic sexual sequences were real, to which the director responded, "Have you seen the film?" Funny—we always felt what The Hulk could have used were some Brown Bunnyesque elements. [Variety]
· ABC orders a script for The Fixer, about "the most powerful woman in New York." We knew it was only a matter of time before Leona Helmsley's dogwalker had her own show. [Variety]
· NBC and Apple have a parting of the ways, with NBC's content disappearing from iTunes as soon as December. Why can't Steve Jobs and Ben Silverman just iron this bullshit out over a couple of primo bong hits? [THR]
· Giovanni Ribisi is pulled in by the CAA Death Star's tractor beams. Run, Giovanni! They're nothing but a greedy and secretive institution that want to have undue influence over your life decisions! [THR]

More Venice Film Festival color: George Clooney, dubbed "mag-nifico" by the local press for the way he pronounces the word in an Italian TV ad, was pointedly asked by a reporter why he does endorsements. After fumbling for an answer, he sarcastically replies, "Me? In commercials?" [Film Experience Blog]

Champ, the homeless, former fighter whose life inspired the LAT article that would inspire Resurrecting the Champ, is still homeless in Santa Ana, and has yet to see a penny from the production. [ocregister.com]

By now, we hang on every word of the thoughtful analysis of the charms of our nation's steel towns that drip like honey from the lips of reticent, camera-shy starlet Sienna Miller. Thrillingly, The Sun reports that, while stumbling out of celebration for her clothing line's London debut, Sienna was caught on tape delivering an elegant stream of nuanced social commentary at the throng of waiting photographers:

If you, like us, have at times found yourself wondering what ever happened to Dessarae Bradford, author of I Fucked Alec Baldwin In His Ass (a Quality Paperback Bookclub Selection of the Month™!), guerrilla ambusher of Tonight Show appearances, and, with the recent publication of Colin Farrell: A Dark Twisted Puppy, quickly becoming one of the most prolific celebrity-stalking fruitcake authoresses in recent history—well, then, this is your lucky day. A press release has landed in our inbox from Dessarae herself, updating us to the various exciting projects in development at her production company, based out of an air conditioning exhaust vent behind the 99¢ Only store at Wilshire and Fairfax. A mere taste:

At the height of Owen Wilson's very public personal crisis, Courtney Love uncharacteristically offered up her own, highly opinionated views on the topic—suicide and hard drugs being two subjects that run, pun only partially intended, deeply in her veins. Suspecting she knew exactly who and what led Wilson to his act of desperation, the singer told Us magazine that the culprit was Steve Coogan: A far bigger star in the U.K. than in the U.S., Coogan gained fame overseas for his TV portrayal of dim-bulbed newsman Alan Partridge. (In this clip, he fittingly admits he has no idea who Kurt Cobain is, and is baffled over why he might have taken his own life.) Coogan and Love had a brief affair, which was rumored to have caused a pregnancy, but that thankfully produced no illegitimate children—between Love's body dysmorphia and Coogan's English dental genes, the kid never stood a chance.

· In roughly the amount of time it took for her to record a decent take of this, Britney Spears made $737,868.
· Some guy from Missouri took off all his clothes in a convenience store to distract the cashier while his friend stole beer. There's a word for that kind of criminal: Probably gay.
· Author Pete Hamill noticed an uncomfortable amount of similarities between his 2002 book Forever, and new Fox drama New Amsterdam, but seems to know better than try to take the network on, lest he find himself abducted in the dead of night and used as human game on Rupert Murdoch's private safari hunting resort.
· Gasp! What's Jake Gyllenhaal doing on the Unabridged Hollywood Herpes Tree?
· To paraphrase another Avenue Q song: There's a fine, fine line, Larry Craig. [via Towleroad]

David Hans Schmidt, aka the "Sultan of Sleaze," has finally learned what the potential consequences are of peddling his shadily procured wares back to their original owners. Having attempted to shake down Tom Cruise with stolen photos from Cruise's lavishly mounted Italian fairytale wedding, a guilty-pleading Schmidt is finally looking at serving up to two years of hard time. Extra reports:

It's heart-warming to see that somebody in this country understands the plight of the plucky immigrant. After enduring the extreme physical and mental stress of dodging the paparazzi with a sex doll dressed up in your likeness and finding the perfect multi-million-dollar mansion in Los Angeles all by her lonesome, our malnourished heroine Victoria Beckham has been clutched warmly to Ugly Betty's ample, restorative bosom:

The list-compiling obsessives over at Forbes magazine have released their latest masterwork: "The World's 100 Most Powerful Penisless People," they call it. Sprinkled among the many businesswomen and politicians are a few familiar names from the showbiz realm, including DreamWorks's Stacey Snider (#87) and Disney's Anne Sweeney (#77), CBS's Nancy Tellem (#49), and Amy Pascal, coming in at an impressive #35, despite Forbes's editors obviously not being aware that she'd been graduated to full-fledged, junk-swinging man by Variety's Showmen of the Year nominating committee. The highest ranking entertainment figure was Earthly deity Oprah Winfrey at #21, but the biggest surprise on the chart came in at #24, as Big Brother's Jew-leery candidate Amber was deemed an even greater feminine force to be reckoned with than Hillary Clinton. Amber 2012!

· Music round-up: The Deadly Syndrome at the Roxy, Los Lobos at the Santa Monica Pier, Matt Ellis Band at the Hotel Café and Mooney Starr at the Silverlake Lounge.
· The always snappily dressed Greg Proops hosts his Chat Show at Largo.
· Charles Phoenix, of retro slideshow fame, presents Bob Baker: This Is Your Life, featuring master puppeteer Bob Baker's life story as told through vintage slides and film clips. At the Bob Baker Marionette Theatre.

As if the grief of this week weren't already about to swallow our heavy hearts whole, People rocks our world by demolishing our last shred of hope that good might eventually triumph. Charlize Theron, who so courageously uglied herself up to win an Oscar, is now reportedly locked in the jaws of an even more terrible monster: Howie Mandel. A poisonous, soul-destroying addiction to the Deal or no Deal video game has reduced Theron to hiding in her trailer, feverishly playing with faux-Howie, waving off director Paul Haggis's questions about a scene, and wantonly ignoring his unwelcome pleas for her to take the money and run.

After throwing their arms up at the futility of deciding whether O.J. Simpson's If I Did It should be stocked in their Hypothetical Memoirs section, in their Sociopathic Self-Help section, or in their How To section shelved alphabetically under "double homicide," Barnes & Noble ultimately decided not to carry the book at all, claiming their buyers anticipated demand would be too low to warrant it. But that was before it skyrocketed to the #1 spot on their website's Hourly Top 100 charts (it's currently idling at #11), offering a keen financial incentive to backpedal on their original decision: