We knew it probably wouldn't be long before video of Danny Bonaduce/Johnny Fairplay "fight" at last night's Fox Reality Channel awards show surfaced, allowing us to evaluate Bonaduce's claims of self-defense. After you've had a look at the footage, it should be abundantly clear that Bonaduce was moved to violence solely out of concern for his personal well-being, fearing that the vigorous humping Fairplay inflicted upon his torso might leave unsightly bruises on the abdominals he obviously spends so much time sculpting.

We're happy to report The View seems to have found its way back to the good-natured and ribald discussions that made it such a welcome oasis from our daily homemaking chores in the first place—as evidenced by some recent chiding by a visiting Caveguest, and a lively-but-never-personal debate over the true shape of the planet (Team Flat!). We therefore credit this safe-zone environment for rendering Barbara Walters comfortable enough to share the above anecdote, in which her darkest fears came true, and the septuagenarian TV icon suddenly found herself squeezing a $750 Frederic Fekkai hairdo through a 18-inch gap below a bathroom door.

It seems like we only manage to check in with Nicolas Cage under extremely weird circumstances, like Transylvanian real estate transactions and visits to Japanese cooking shows, so it's with a measure of relief that we bring you the comparatively mundane story of the naked guy he found prancing around his house in one of his leather jackets:

· Oh, Johnny Drama, you're so much better than this: Kevin Dillon will star in the 300 spoof National Lampoon's 301: The Legend of Awesomest Maximus Wallace Leonidas. Will someone please book him for some personal appearances and save him from this kind of strike-insurance slumming? [Variety]
· Cavemen's overhauled series premiere "performed OK" in the Tuesday night Nielsens, while House lead Fox to victory in primetime. [THR]
· Natalie Portman joins the cast of the remake of the Danish love-triangle drama Brothers, in which she'll play the sister-in-law boinked by dreamy-eyed homewrecker Jake Gyllenhaal while sleepy-eyed soldier Tobey Maguire is off fighting in Afghanistan. [Variety]

There is truly no hope for humanity. Somehow, "several tabloids" reported that Eva Longoria's obviously fake, thoroughly unfunny parody of the Paris Hilton sex tape was real, necessitating that she now go on the record about the "scandal." [Extra]

The rare olive branch in the ongoing Charlie Sheen-Denise Richards divorce came in an e-mail dated Aug. 24, when, according to court documents, Sheen apologized for a wide array of regrettable remarks he made about his ex-wife and her family, including "a comment about your poor Mom," "your abilities as a mother," and "my pigheaded assertion that you pressed the button that detonated the second tower." Fox411 has revisited the papers to find what, exactly, was contained in those enraged correspondences he so desperately wishes he could unsend:

Hoping to put CompletelyImmaterialGate behind them and soothe the concerns of certain underappreciated national treasures who may feel that their parent studio has been selfishly claiming credit for his successes, Paramount has announced that it will start reporting the box office generated by Steven Spielberg's company under a newly created "DreamWorks-Paramount" label.

At something called the Fox Reality Channel Really Awards last night, grandmother-exploiting Survivor villain Johnny Fairplay and unkillable Breaking Bonaduce star Danny Bonaduce engaged in a reportedly very one-sided physical altercation on stage, in which Fairplay suffered some lost teeth and a broken toe after being body-slammed by his better-muscled antagonist. (Bonaduce claims the tooth-shattering piledriver was administered in self-defense.) While we haven't seen any leaked footage from the awards ceremony emerge yet—please, Fox Reality Channel, get to YouTubing—TMZ did manage to capture some of the fight's aftermath, where an artful shot of a discarded, bloody tissue hints at the carnage that took place inside.

The curse plaguing Indiana Jones and the Mysteriously Bedazzled Skull has visited another hardship upon the super-secret production, as the theft of computers and photographs—they're so paranoid at DreamWorks that they won't even say where and when the heist occurred—has closely followed the tragic leaking of plot points that has left the career of one loose-lipped extra dead. And Steven Spielberg's publicist has already served notice that the studio will unleash the face-melting fury of a thousand prematurely opened Lost Arks upon any outlet looking to exploit the purloined material: "We want to warn the media that anything that is offered is stolen property. We know it is out there." UPDATE: More info here. [LAT]

We're not sure what's a more distressing sign about the current state of Vin Diesel's career: that he's squandered so much time chasing his impossible elephant dreams that he now has no choice but to cash a 4 Fast 4 Furiouser paycheck (no logline, according to THR, "but fast cars are involved"), or that he's been absent from the multiplex for so long that he can no longer be distinguished from a fourth-place finisher from American Idol.

· This is what you're missing out on if you ever make the mistake of changing the channel from QVC.
· Even in Bali, Mel Gibson can't get "sweaty" and "bleary-eyed" without somebody sticking a camera in his face. Will this man never know peace?
· Who could've guessed that astronomers would be Star Trek fans?
· It appears that Pam Anderson's relationship progressed at least as far as the drunken-marriage-license-filing stage.
· The Flight of the Concords on the best part of fame: "Jemaine went to the Viper Room the other night, got to the door and the woman said, '$10, please.' Then somebody turns to her [mimes whispering] and she goes, '$5, please.' That's my favorite experience. Not free, but celebrity discount—half-off entrance to a club."
· We knew we'd seen that Spector look somewhere before.

For undoubtedly strategic reasons that may not become clear for months—or even years—CAA has allowed a Fortune magazine writer to infiltrate the Death Star and publish a lengthy piece on the current state of the evil agenting monolith. While the scribe obviously couldn't get anyone with concen for their personal or professional well-being on the record about the agency's seemingly neverending reign of terror (said one "half joking," anonymous studio head whose spouse, children, and career are certainly already dead: "I value my wife and kids. And I value my relationship to CAA. If they don't like this article and I'm quoted, there goes my first look at the best projects.") the scribe did get some face time with partners like Bryan Lourd, Richard Lovett, and Kevin Huvane, as well as fly-on-the-wall access to some shadowy rituals rarely witnessed by outsiders:

Though it was Larry Birkhead who openly swore he'd sue Rita Cosby, to use the legal parlance, "back into the MSNBC rat-hole from which she first produced her twitching rodent snout," it is Howard K. Stern, the second half of the all-male coupling she licentiously described in Blonde Ambition, who's first to file suit:

· Music round-up: Atmosphere at the Henry Fonda; AFI at the Troubadour; The Weakerthans at the El Rey; The Crystal Method at the Roxy.
· At the Skirball, Amy Bloom reads from and signs Away, her new novel about a Russian Jewish woman's struggles to survive in America.
· Meanwhile, at the Borders in Torrance, Joey Lawrence signs his no less ambitious literary effort, Dancing with the Stars, the story of a former child actor's struggles to survive in Hollywood without having to take too many demeaning personal appearance gigs at mall openings.

From the pages of today's THR, the compassionate folks at MediCann reach out to those most desperately in need of their medical marijuana-related services: industry assistants, whose stressful, abuse-marred lives could be marginally enhanced by some legal hash pills, a quick nibble of a special brownie, or a more traditional puff of a smoke-break joint. Like "Abby," any anxiety-plagued call-roller who accepts the firm's assistance will soon find him or herself free of the debilitating panic attacks often associated with indentured Hollywood servitude, numbing themselves to both the physical and psychological pain caused by those Blackberry-shaped "anythings" their bosses throw at them.

Perhaps not as obviously stirring as Angelina Jolie's kneebuckling tale of a disadvantaged child caregiver she'd encountered on her recent orphan-collecting travels, something about the quiet urgency with which the apple of Tony Micelli's eye entreats HuffPo readers to join her in a fight against a variety of little-known but easily curable Third World diseases moved us in equal measure. We urge the time-pressed to at the very least skim the Read More section, where they'll quickly get the crux of her arguments by scanning a grab bag of tags covering essential talking points "Charmed," "elephantiasis," "river blindness," and "Who's the Boss?"

When NBC's Ben "The Perfect Storm" Silverman appeared on Michael Eisner's talk show last week to serve notice to his network rivals that his resurgent Peacock would soon be feasting on their rotting, Nielsen-dead entrails, the full extent of his programming vision was not yet clear. But since then, Silverman has made two stunning moves that demonstrate he's utterly unafraid to strip-mine the past if that ensures a better-rated future: the revival of Knight Rider, and, according to TV Week, the appointment of '80s wrestling icon and recently recycled VH1 celebreality star Hulk Hogan to American Gladiators hosting duty:

There seems to be some confusion about whether a photo depicting Anna Nicole Smith "naked with vomit all over her face" allegedly making the rounds in search of a deep-pocketed buyer portrays a deceased Smith or one who's alive and overdosing. Remember when we said that Lou Pearlman item would probably be the creepiest thing we'd read all day? Yeah, not so much. [Hollyscoop]

Always on the cutting edge of comedy, Eva Longoria parodies the Paris Hilton sex tape of 2004. [Funny or Die]

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you spotted Dave Matthews succumbing to the Sprinkles scourge.