After a disorienting Golden Access Globes Press Hollywood Conference Awards that left nominees and audiences alike utterly befuddled (we understand Sally Field was fished out of The Grove's dancing waters fountain at 3 a.m. delivering an impassioned speech about bringing the troops home to two security guards on a golf cart), our traditional Globes parties post-mortem promised to be a similar mess. Still, if there were awards, and there were winners, by God there's going to be a reactions round-up, even if it comes off sounding a lot like the ones you read after the nominations are announced:
· The Atonement crew toasted their win at a bungalow at the Chateau Marmont, where the ghost of O.D.'d John Belushi smiled over their WWII romance's win. [Variety]
· Marion Cotillard enjoyed her win for La Vie en Rose from the Four Seasons. "I'm enjoying so much what's going on here, I can't be disappointed in any way," she said, convincingly masking her extreme disappointment. [Variety]

Apropos of nothing other than wanting to briefly pause from reliving the horror of last night's Golden Globes (don't worry, we'll get back to it soon enough), we'd like to direct you to this eBay auction offering some reproductions of the hilarious/disturbing paintings by artist Miguel Calderon that were memorably featured in The Royal Tenenbaums. At a starting price of $3,000, it might be cheaper to indulge your Wes Anderson fanaticism by renting some ATVs with your buddies for a fun day of shirtless, mescaline-fueled off-roading. [eBay]

· NBC's Billy Bush-enhanced Reading of the Golden Globes Winners telecast draws just 5.8 million viewers, lower Nielsen numbers than even last week's public-access-quality People's Choice Awards delivered to CBS. Meanwhile, the premiere of Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles was huge for Fox. [THR]
· Shaking off the disappointment of its Globes debacle, NBC orders another season of Proven Ratings Winner American Gladiators (surely, two episodes is all the evidence one needs to make such a commitment!), though the network is being coy about how many episodes it's ordered or when they might air. [Variety]

Though the cancellation of Golden Globes ceremony forced the Hallmark Channel to grudgingly call off its annual after-party, considered by many to be the most debauched in all of Hollywood (2006's orgy honoring Meet the Santas is still spoken of in hushed tones for the five overdosing Saint Nicks who had to be removed from a single bathroom stall at the Riot Hyatt), Globes nominee and A Grandpa for Christmas star Ernest Borgnine decided he would still try and salvage what fun he could from the wreckage of the evening, hosting an intimate gathering at his home. And Access Hollywood was there!

There's a sequence towards the middle of Ari Gold-client Mary J. Blige's "No More Drama" video in which the soul diva, destroyed by so many loves having gone sour, tears a Manhattan Yellow Pages in half with one swipe of her bulging pythons— a triumphant symbol of how she'll never be taken for a ride again. But in light of recent allegations that she and many other hip-hoppers have been buying and using steroids and HGH, the scene—to say nothing of the title of her new album, "Growing Pains"—takes on ominous new implications:

Your Uncle Grambo spent a few days out on the Best Coast last week, trying to get a sense of what life is like on the ground out there these days (in a word, scary). I holed myself up at The Standard because, well, I've seen Ocean's 12 and I wanted to be as close to a potential Topher Grace meltdown as possible. But instead of staying out on The Strip, I thought it might be more adventurous to stay at The Standard's downtown LA location (notorious for its proximity to Skid Row, a choice place to score smack for Angelenos of all income levels). And after encountering two titans of the reality-television addiction format, Leif Garrett and Tom Sizemore, killing time there in just a four-day span, turns out I made the right choice.

What's left of Katie Holmes popped by the GMA studios this morning for a chat with host Diane Sawyer. Sure, this was all under the auspices of promoting Mad Money (opening Friday—but you knew that!), but that didn't mean all other topics were off limits.

Once of the great tragedies of last night's decimated Golden Globes was being deprived of the opportunity to watch Entourage's Jeremy Piven, one of Hollywood's most enthusiastic awards recipients, take the stage and toe the always-difficult line between obligatory humility and "I so deserved this! This fucking show is nothing but four stoned jackasses high-fiving in a booth at Les Deux without Ari Gold!" self-aggrandizement

Following in the tragic and treacherous path of Prison Break actor Lane Garrison, currently serving a 40 month sentence for killing a Beverly Hills High School student on a DUI fun run, Roger Avary, the Academy Award-winning writer/director who's worked on Pulp Fiction, The Rules of Attraction, and most recently the Beowulf screenplay, now finds himself in his own living nightmare following a fatal accident early Sunday morning in Ojai. Here's the chain of events, according to the LAT:
· Avary was driving outside Ojai Lumber Co. building at 2:54 a.m Sunday when the accident occured.
· Avary's wife, Gretchen, 40, was ejected from the back seat. She was taken by paramedics to Ojai Valley Community Hospital, with injuries listed as "serious."

As you shake off the morning-after effects of your rollicking Golden Globes party—which consisted entirely of pounding cans of PBR and shouting obscenities at clueless NBC presenter Billy Bush every time he opened his mouth—take a look at the weekend's box office numbers:

Dateline NBC traded in their spy cams normally used for busting Predators (not the ones from space, mind you, the ones that live next door to you) for the Vaseline-gauzed lenses required to shoot Hollywood's biggest and brightest in a two-hour Golden Globe special that aired last night after that pathetically boring Globes presser. During an interview with the universally adored Amy Adams, The Today Show's resident vixen Natalie Morales made an uncomfortable shift from friendly fluffery to attack dog journo mode when she grilled Amy Adams about her, *gasp*, former career as a waitress at Hooters. We haven't seen two girls go at it like this since Wild Things.

Roger Avary, the guy who wrote 'Pulp Fiction' but isn't Quentin Tarantino, was arrested for killing a man in a car. He was charged with vehicular manslaughter and DUI on Sunday after a fatal car crash. The life of Avary, a direct descendent of a Canadian pirate, is a parable of Hollywood's need for oppositional characters like Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield, Art Buchwald and Paramount Pictures, or Quentin and Avary. Though after 'Pulp Fiction' Avary went on to write 'Killing Zoe' and 'Rules of Attraction' by the time of the accident, the last project he had worked on was that shitty animated version of 'Beowulf'. And then he got drunk, drove and killed a man. In fact, it would make a great non-linear neo-noir movie except the only one to write it is in jail.

10:01pm: ABC, hope you were taking notes. If any of your ideas for The Oscars resemble any of the ideas that NBC utilized tonight in their sham of a "press conference," your federal broadcasting license will be revoked. Herbert Eugene Ives would've been ashamed of your performance tonight, Silverman. You should go to sleep knowing that.

Andrew Morton's biography of Tom Cruise, though it's brought threats of a $100m lawsuit, has emboldened other critics of the increasingly rabid Hollywood star. Mark Ebner, the investigative reporter, just emailed us links to some Scientology promotional videos. Morton's central claim is that Cruise, star of movies from Risky Business to Mission Impossible, is the effective number two of the Church of Scientology, the cultish religion founded by L. Ron Hubbard, and subscribed to by other eccentric Hollywood actors such as John Travolta. The videos bear out, at the very least, that Cruise is central to the organization's marketing efforts. In this amazing clip, to a background track of theme from Mission Impossible, Cruise explains how Scientologists are "the authorities on the mind", the only people who can bring peace and unite cultures. Watch it, after the jump, before the scary Scientologists silence us all.

· The Five Stages of Golden Globes Grief: Denial. Anger. Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance.
· Ben Silverman's prom night totally ruined by those ugly, nerdy, mean writers. The writers try to make it up to him.
· Britney Spears: High on crazy, and her paparazzo boyfriend. The Dr. Phil mash-up.
· Jamie Lynn Spears's hopes to nail the GED.
· Keeping Up with the Cruises: The UA side deal. A scriptalanche! The bombshell biography. The Mad Money premiere. Boston MarathonGate is over...or is it?
· Leno on Kimmel. Kimmel on Leno. It's not nearly as hot as it sounds.
· Carson Daly's feelin' down.
· American Gladiators: Let the hobbling begin.
· Stewart and Colbert return to the air, minus their writers, plus some unsightly facial hair.
· Savor the Critics' Choice Awards: They're pretty much all we got.
· The Axium scandal: Payroll's lowest hour.
· Will Smith's giving away auditing sessions. No need to thank him.
· People's Choice Awards a sadder affair than usual. Joaquin Phoenix misspells his name during his vow of silence.
· Cloverfield: Its name. The buzz. The Statue.
· Deep inside the CAA Death Star.
· Johnny Grant passes.
· Celebrity Rehab not any fun, despite promises of vomit.
· Who's up for some Vinnie Chase Mad Libs?! Apparently a lot of you.
· What are the Weinsteins cooking?

· Nicole Richie and That Guy From Good Charlotte had a bouncing baby girl and, as celebrities are wont to do, gave her two middle names. The diet for both mother and daughter begins tomorrow!
· I drink your milshake (dot com)!
· American Psycho gets a cuddly makeover (via BWE).
· Ever find yourself wondering what Paris, Britney and Lindsay would do if they used their powers for good instead of evil? Vh1's exceptional "Celebrity Eye Candy" has the answers. Now if only they had a website!
· Now that it's almost the weekend and you'll finally have some time to kill, take some time to peruse Slate's Movie Club.
· Jessica Alba like WHOA!
· And Maila Nurmi, best known as Vampira, died today at the age of 86. All we know is that Elvira better show her face at her funeral.

We haven't had time to fully digest W's just-released, Hollywoodcentric "A-List" issue (it is, after all, Friday afternoon, and the liquid lunch hit us a little harder than we anticipated), but we did take a moment to have at look at the magazine's exclusive tour of the CAA Death Star, a piece that includes some stunning photography of the evil agenting monolith's intimidating new Century City headquarters. Writes Kevin West on the current Creative Artists leadership's wise display of restraint in not trying to outdo co-founder Michael Ovitz's legendary, I.M. Pei-designed shark-tank: "In the end, what makes CAA's building most interesting is not that it's an architectural masterpiece, but rather that it isn't. And that may be its smartest success. For [Bryan] Lourd and Co., the heirs of a brilliant visionary, to attempt to outbuild Ovitz would have smacked of edifice-complex insecurities—or, even worse, unbridled vanity, since no architecture should distract attention from the real stars of the building, the CAA clientele." Still, Lourd did allow himself a single, selfish extravagance. After the jump, the partner invites W's photographer to observe him in the custom-designed sanctuary where he winds down after a hard day planning the total domination of the industry:

Recently separated Father Of The Year Hulk Hogan appeared on soon-to-be separated Rachael Ray's cooking show cum chatfest today. While we aren't entirely sure what kind of dish they whipped up when they hit the kitchen, we're fairly certain it was comprised of a potent conconction of prayers, vitamins and EVOO. But the story here isn't about foodstuffs, it's more about the palpable sexual chemistry that these two icons of All-American goodness CLEARLY have between each other. When Rachael pawed at The Hulkster's deeply tanned 22-inch pythons, we were struck by a vision, a glorious vision of stars spangling and rockets red-glaring their way deep into the night while as the two made passionate l-o-v-e in the name of chopped cherry trees and purple mountain's majesty. Pay heed to our video clip and try telling us you don't see the same thing.

If Harry Knowles's ecstatic, Greatest Single Experience of All Time Including My First Breath, First Kiss, and the First Time I Tasted Cherry Garcia review of Cloverfield wasn't enough to get you excited about Paramount's latest release, perhaps we can tempt you with this headless Statue of Liberty replica currently erected on their lot.

Friday
· Music round-up: The Black Heart Procession at Spaceland; The Start at the Troubadour; Social Distortion at House of Blues.
· At Point Break Live!, it's like Keanu "Johnny Utah" Reeves and Patrick "Bodhi Too Outlaw-Surfer Badass To Have A Last Name" Swayze have parachuted right out of the cinema classic and onto the stage at downtown's Charlie O's.
· A panel including Neil LaBute, Adrian Pasdar, Donald Margulies, and Joan Rivers (!) will assemble at the Geffen Playhouse for tonight's "We Heart Playwrights" event, featuring an "interactive Q&A" and a post-discussion opportunity to "Mix & Mingle" with the participants.