Just when you thought no one could possibly be having a worse winter than Tom Cruise, what with movie flops, creeptastic videos and that whole Nazi thing further ruining his already ruined image, here comes Harvey Levin to shed some light on how his "other" kids have it even rougher! Gone are the days when we were bombarded with one-big-happy pics of Tom and Katie at son Connor's soccer games, or shots of awkward-but-jolly daughter Isabella trailing behind Katie at the couple's nups in Italy. So where in the world have they been? Camping out with Alexa Ray Joel and Al Gore, Jr. in some sort of refuge for MIA celebrity kids? In this clip from TMZ, we get some answers.

• the parody video Tom Cruise WANTS you to see! [funnyordie]

Will Leitch is the editor of Deadspin, our sister sports site, and his book God Save The Fan is now available at bookstores everywhere. He makes a cameo appearance here today to discuss how athletes could become better actors.

It's halftime for the 2008 Sundance Film Festival, and while Paris plays air guitar, Mischa buys guitars, and Dennis Quaid signs guitars, Hollywood has collectively sighed after every flick being screened, save for a sad handful of standouts. But taking the fest's past few years into consideration, we're starting to grow wary of Sundance's power in both next year's Oscar race AND at the box office. So far the most exciting thing we've heard from Utah has to do with Sarah Jessica Parker and her non-comments on the most overhyped movie ever (SATC: The Movie, in case you hadn't heard), and the to-be-bomb isn't even showing there.

This year's Oscar nominations produced an equally noteworthy list of omissions who'll be quietly turned away at the Kodak Theater doors, should a ceremony ever materialize. (Tazering to follow if they get insistent.) Our analysis of the 2008 Snubees:

The comparison of American Gladiators' winner-take-all final event, The Eliminator, to the Harry Potter series' Qudditich matches never would have occurred to us, but seem pretty apt: Something about the way that contenders with huge leads always seem to collapse in an exhausted heap at the foot of that conveyor belt obstacle to give their opponents catch-up time makes the whole thing feel just as fixed as the fictional contests J.K. Rowling has rigged in favor of her Snitch-collecting wizard. [Geek Toob]

Katherine Heigl's pantsless hubby Josh Kelley is kind of like the poor man's Chris Martin: he sings sad little wimpy songs, isn't the best-looking guy in the room and bores us to tears in interviews, but he somehow still managed to convince a gorgeous blonde actress to pay his rent. But hey! He writes songs for her! So all is forgiven. Well, besides the fact that he says things like "holla!" and "hot diggity dog!" with no shame. In this clip from Extra, we finally get some insight into how exactly he managed to score the insanely hot (yet terribly controlling) Katherine Heigl. Josh, you had her at...actually we still can't figure it out. Anyone?

[Ed.note—Is there any way you could further illustrate her misery by ironically quoting the lyrics to one of her well-known songs? Get back to me ASAP. ] Realizing the audio fidelity of the video leaves much to be desired, The Derober blog has helpfully captioned the clip, an effort which should also assist those whose office computers have no speakers in fully appreciating the important crack-is-wack message The Sun is hoping to communicate through the widespread dissemnation of footage of Winehouse's latest rock-bottom moment.

While this morning's Academy Awards nominees sheepishly douse themselves in champagne, unsure about how outwardly excited to get about an upcoming ceremony that may consist of nothing more than a picket line of tuxedoed writers, another anticlimactic recitation of winners' names by the best TelePrompter readers show business has to offer, and a four-hour montage of Oscar's Less Strike-Hampered Glory Days ("There will be lots of clips — we have a long history, 80 years, to explore."), a truly sobering note has been struck by William Morris' Ed Limato.

Still reeling from the Kathy Batesiest nominations announcement ever, we're left entirely encouraged that the 80th annual Academy Awards brings with it a Best Picture race containing at least two extremely worthwhile nominees. (We realize we're supposed to be impartial observers, but...No Country for everything! Included Best Animated Short and the Irving G. Thalberg!). But enough about us—this is the nominees' morning! It's time for a reactions round-up:
· Michael Moore: "If I'm fortunate enough to stand on that stage again, I will be true to myself and very gracious and grateful for the acknowledgement, but I would start by finishing the last 10 seconds of the previous speech." [Variety]
· Tom Wilkinson: "I had forgotten about the nominations and was walking the dog. Then someone told me to turn on the TV and I saw it. I got this character from the start." [Variety]

Is Scientology just a fancy term for reparation therapy? That's what investigative journalist Ian Halperin, author of books on Kurt Cobain's death and the underbelly of the modeling world, is claiming in his new tome, Hollywood Undercover, out today. After claiming to be a gay actor afraid that revelations of his homosexuality would ruin his career, the Church took him in, promising they could "cure him of his sexuality through auditing,"or, you know, asking him to pay up. We asked Halperin if he had any dirt on the usual suspects (Tommy C. and Johnny T., natch), and learned way more than we wanted to. Hear why Travolta remains a smiley scientologist out of fear, why bisexual Anna Nicole Smith refused to join the tribe, and details on founder L. Ron Hubbard's proven contempt for these "sexual perverts" after the jump.

If you're anything like us, even breaking news on Kiefer's freedom, Oscar noms and the snoozefest that is Sundance still leaves us aching for our guiltiest pleasure: Brit Brit updates! So when we heard Mr. Romulus von Stetzelberger, designer of the hat Britney wore in our all-time favorite shot of her, musing on his 2006 Emmy swag suite run-in with The Animal on Jonesy's Jukebox, we had to dig up more dirt just for old time's sake. To hear the tale behind the hat, including cameos by ex-bff-turned-traitor Alli Sims and Felicity Huffman (!), a classic diva-like performance by our girl, and gruesome details about her struggle to shimmy into a tight velvet jacket while knocked up, read on.

Here we are, wide awake at the crack of 5:30, waiting with baited breath for the appearance of Phineus the Oscar Ferret. If anyone was concerned about the Academy's ability to draw star power to this year's ceremony in the face of the ongoing WGA strike, fear no longer. After all, if they can recruit Kathy Bates to read this year's annoucements, they can accomplish ANYTHING! The complete 2008 Academy Award nominations (along with some rudimentary commentary) appear after the jump.

· Or does the new sketch of the man suspected of snatching young Madeline McCann look a lot like Killer Bob? Through the darkness of future past, the magician longs to see, one chants out between two worlds ...fire, walk with me!
· A previously unknown complication of pregnancy has kept J. Lo from being J. Lo of late. At least according to those louts in the British press, who have been taking her to task for her "bulging, crinkled knees."
· Kate Moss started her 35th year off with a bang. A 4-way bang, that is.
· For all of you out there who think that Dakota Fanning is over the hill, enjoy this not-at-all-creepy post by Just Jared featuring twenty of the most popular Elle Fanning pictures available anywhere online! We're fawning over Fanning, too! Then again, not so much.
· And, with that, we're out of here. We leave you to spend the next 18 hours or so reviewing The Thighmaster's wildly entertaining list of his 2007 "Thighs Wide Movies." So best, indeed.

With no real news to blog about at Sundance, CNN entertainment producer Jennifer Wolfe decided to blog about, well, the comings and goings of celebrities. And it turns out that, except for the mittens and mukluks, there's not too much difference between the way celebrities behave in Los Angeles and how they act in Park City. Some celebrities have entourages. Some celebrities are nice. And, if the celebrity in question is Adrien Grenier, he tells little white lies in order to, we're guessing, free up more time in his busy schedule to blank the blank out of a snow bunny or two.

With the Razzie nominations announced today, that can only mean one thing: That tomorrow, at the precise stroke of 5:30 a.m., Phineus the Oscar Ferret will crawl out of his subterranean lair, vigorously shake himself awake, then scamper up the podium to whisper the Oscar nominees into the ears of whatever protocol-and-stardust pairing has been assigned to read them to an enraptured nation. (Last year gave us Academy President Sid Ganis and Salma Hayek.) Of course, all bets are off in this dark, dark Hollywood period of awards show cleansing, from which not even the Oscars—the Rolls Royce of Hollywood Reacharounds!—is safe. Still, all hope is not lost:

On last night's episode of Girls Next Door, Hugh Hefner's number two, Bridget Marquardt, devoted her week to getting toy spaniel Wenny a manager. And boy, was it hard! In just under five minutes (roughly the amount of time it takes to get Hef out of the tub), Wenny was signed to do "runway fashion, commercials and feature films." And we're sure the mutt's quick deal had nothing whatsoever to do with greasy-haired "agent" Nick's inability to stop sweating and smiling like a schoolboy in Bridge's buxom presence.

The internationally respected and always credible news source The Hindustan Times is reporting that the latest Britney Spears rumor is that she may soon fake her own death, embrace Islam, and move to Pakistan with her paparazzi lover Adnan Ghalib. Then, and only then, will the terrorists win.

· This should make up for Hannibal: Oliver Stone's next project is a G.W. biopic titled simply, Bush. (Why is the frat boy in us suddenly compelled to add the words National Lampoon's to the beginning of that?) To play the Greatest American President Currently Holding Office—Josh Brolin, who's looking forward to taking on a role in which he gets to turn the figurative pitbulls on everyone else for a change. [Variety]
· Just days after the DGA reached a quick and dirty deal with AMPTP, the WGA announces that they have ended the negotiation stalemate, and that "informal" talks have been set, just as soon as the two sides can settle on which Koo Koo Roo sides would be acceptable for the catering. [Variety]
· DreamWorks Animation entered into a multibillion-dollar deal to build a theme park in Dubai. Michael Jackson must be rolling in his oxygen chamber for having left the country so tantalizingly close to the grand opening of Donkey and Puss n' Boots's Wacky Wave Pool. [Variety]

Skanky bar sluts need love, too, and thus we find ourselves with Rock of Love 2: The Revenge Of Bret Michaels' Wig. Having eliminated four girls last week, the follicle-challenged Bret Michaels wasted no time in getting his hoochies to show their goodies in a way that even the stingiest basic cable censor would find acceptable ... a dance-off! Sure, you or I might call this wriggle-fest a thinly veiled, mostly clothed grindfest, but honestly, how sexy can any dance-off be when white people and the Funky Chicken and The Robot are involved? Yes, pathetic underbites, epileptic convulsions and self-conscious writhing abound.