Friday
· Music round-up: Autolux at El Rey; A-Trak at the Natural History Museum, Nellie McKay at Largo.
· Rising literary superstar Ron Jeremy, author of The Hardest (Working) Man in Showbiz, will sign his opus—with his penis—at Book Soup.

Calvin Klein has always been a fan of drugged-up stars, but this morning's announcement that the designer picked Eva Mendes to star in his Spring `09 fragrance campaign makes him look less like a "fan," and more like a druggie Obsessive (uh, get it?). Klein, of course, is not only the man behind those heroin chic denim ads featuring (ahem!) Kate Moss in the 90s, but he's also been in and out of the revolving rehab door once or twice himself. While TMZ reports that the designer's decision to feature Eva in ads for the spring spreads came hours before her announcement, we're starting to wonder if Klein isn't just some pill-popping, powder-snorting design wiz like the rest of 'em.

Last night's installment of Celebrity Rehab delivered perhaps its most poignant moment since decided to convert the Pasadena Recovery Center into a melancholy-tinged version of its Surreal Life house. In a move we'll assume is generally unnecessary inside the walls of a rehabilitation facility, Dr. Drew and his troubled, semi-famous charges staged an intervention on behalf of Joanie Chyna in a desperate attempt to figure out why, exactly, she's on the show; as an avowed non-alcoholic or drug-abuser, Joanie's very presence was so bedeviling to her fellow addicts that such a drastic measure was required to puzzle through the mystery of her casting.

The effeminate young man who requested that the country lay off of Britney a bit has posted a video, the first one he's put on YouTube since his tearful plea of September 7. (He did post some others but immediately removed them, but this one's stayed up for a full day now.) In the video, Chris Crocker (still not his real name!) announces his return, shows us how scared he is, doesn't mention the reality show he supposedly landed two weeks after his rant, and sounds just like the passport-losing party-going indie filmmaker Arin Cromley. Also, fingerquotes! Which is why you should totally click through and watch.

It's been nothing short of a whirlwind for STG Chris Bernheisel since the bubbly, bribe-bearing Kelly Clarkson interpretist was introduced to the world on Tuesday night's episode of American Idol: He already has appearances lined up on TV Guide Channel's Idol Chat (where he'll meet the King of Idol Casualties Justin Guarini), and Access Hollywood "plans to fly him to L.A. soon" to talk hair product with Billy Bush. Still, the brass ring of famewhoring STG appearances so far remains out of reach, despite haven't now sent 71 videos to Ellen DeGeneres begging to appear on her show. We humbly suggest she take him up on his offer, before the next package winds up containing something far more oozing and Iggy-head-shaped than a relatively harmless videotape. [Reality Blurred]

Our first indication that something might be awry with Jessica Alba's career came not when that guy on TRL told her that getting pregnant was "Not cool, dude", but rather when we saw the one-sheet for her new movie, The Eye. While certainly a captivating Photoshop job (ish), we found it fairly bizarre that Lionsgate would choose NOT to use the beautiful visage of one of the most lusted-after actresses in the world to promote their film. But then we did some research on Rotten Tomatoes and realized something very important. Save for fanboy fave Sin City, no one really seems to have liked any of the films she's starred in.

The Wesley Snipes Totally Fucking Insane Tax-Avoidance Trial of the Century finally came to a close this afternoon in a Florida courtroom, where the Passenger 57 star and IRS Most Wanted Fading Action Hero was acquitted of federal tax-fraud and conspiracy charges, but was convicted of a lesser count of failing to file tax returns, a development that reduces his potential jail time from 16 to 3 years. His co-defendants, the renegade accountant and charismatic tax-protest-leader-cum-minister who will be portrayed by Paul Giamatti and Katt Williams (respectively) in the eventual, lightly fictionalized buddy-fugitive comedy based on this wild chapter of Snipes' life, were not so lucky, earning convictions on the aforementioned fraud and conspiracy charges.

The latest promotional Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of the Crystal Skull breadcrumb tossed to fans by morsel-hoarding studio Paramount is MTV's exclusive Indy Standing Atop Some Crates In That Government Warehouse photo, a more than worthy follow-up to previous installments in this series like Indy Sitting In A Chair While Wearing A Fedora and Indy And His Knuckleheaded Greaser Kid Shining Flashlights At Something. We suppose we're to believe that the aging adventure has returned to the Raiders artifact repository to look for the Ark, perhaps in an attempt to knock some good sense into Shia LaBeouf, threatening that if he doesn't get off the dope soon, Dad will pry open a container and let God's unleashed, righteous fury melt that shit-eating grin right off his punk face. [MTV News.com]

Click to viewUnexpectedly moved by the NY Post's heart-wrenching story of how Paris Hilton was reduced to tears by 50 Cent's demand that she immediately cease her unauthorized booty-shaking activities and "get the fuck off the stage" at her own Super Bowl party, we pass along the tale in the only way that made sense to us: in comic book form. After the jump, Paris's pain, splayed across six action-packed panels:

Join us as we raise our voices in song to celebrate this week's sponsors, who'd never humiliate us by running around behind our backs with deceptive Hollywood superstars bent on revenge. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and prove your fidelity, see this page.

· After two high-rated (but Idol-boosted) episodes of The Moment of Truth, Fox picks up 13 more episodes of their lie-detecting semi-sensation. Evil mastermind Mike Darnell renews his promise to fix the show's pacing problems, and claims that even though these first two episodes have largely failed to shock, they've still been effective enough to induce a number of planned contestants to drop out. [THR]
· Sounding a characteristically gloomy note on the State of the Strike on Day 89, Var points out that even though the WGA and AMPTP have been engaged in informal talks, no date has been picked for the start of formal bargaining, say that "some" worry that the strike will drag on long enough for SAG to walk out in July and "stay out at least into the fall" with the scribes, and claim there's a "tacit deadline" to make some progress before CEOs storm out of negotiations again. Hear that, writers? Doomsday clocks are ticking everywhere, so better take whatever deal's on on the table, whether or not it's a good one! [Variety]

Ah, the In-N-Out. Referencing the famed burger chain makes us salivate just typing its name and, as it turns out, The Package (shocker!) feels the same way. United States Weekly reports that Brit, unimpressed (or just oblivious to) UCLA Med's appetizing, slightly-edible array of hospital-food-for-the-nutballs, ordered in a "double cheeseburger, fries and a drink" at around 4:42pm yesterday. Perhaps suffering from meth-induced hallucinations, our girl had manager Sam Lufti fetch the grub for her at rush hour's peak (as seen in the pic above), the greasy bag reportedly arriving in a quickspeed 21 minutes (In-N-Out! You never fail to astonish us.) One question, though: How exactly does someone manage to stuff themselves senseless while wearing a straitjacket?

It's not always easy to be able to look in the mirror and admit to oneself that perhaps you've been having 2 Much 2 Drink (or 2 Snort/Pop/etc...) lately, so we applaud Eva Mendes's decision to voluntarily submit herself to the detoxicizing miracle workers at Cirque Lodge. If they can tame the fire-eyed Cokepant Demon that was Lindsay Lohan, we have no doubt that whatever self-medicating bumps Mendes has encountered along the road will be smoothed away by the fresh Utah air and some sober-horseback-riding therapy. [TMZ]

Cornered at an amfAR benefit and asked to comment upon The Only Interesting Thing To Happen In This Strike-Crippled Awards Season yet again, The Diving Bell and the Butterfly director Julian Schnabel offered only this controversy-defusing shrug to a disappointed stringer apparently hoping to get him on the record about Sean Young's hasty retreat to rehab: "It's fine... You know what? I didn't have anything interesting to say anyway, so I should beg her to come with me wherever I go!" As far as we can tell, there was no disingenuous follow-up query about whether Schnabel planned to ask Young to be his Oscar date. [Us]

Having only recently declared him the Most Adorable Thing Ever, we must admit the video above might force us to reexamine our Casey Affleck position. Showing all the ill-tempered signs of someone who's survived a childhood rife with Ben-inflicted noogie and wedgie abuse, Affleck's SAG Awards interaction with Lisa Rinna demonstrates the most shocking disregard for pre-awards-show social conventions we've seen since Jeremy Piven openly questioned the salvageability of Billy Bush's very existence at the 2006 Emmys.

Following the recent Ain't It Cool report that Universal, desperate to find a director willing to step in on incredibly short notice to replace the recently departed Mark Romanek on The Wolf Man, had already decided that Brett Ratner was the hacky Messiah who could deliver them to the On-Time And Near-Budget Promised Land, comes word that the studio is still performing its due diligence by meeting with other candidates who might not be scared off by having to work with the strike-locked script Romanek developed. Among those THR says Universal is considering for the gig: Frank Darabont, James Mangold, Joe "Hidalgo" Johnston and Bill "Dreamgirls" Condon (!). Even with this report, Ratner still seems like the obvious choice, as he's previously proven he's unafraid to jettison a screenplay the moment it interferes with his blockbuster-making vision. [THR]

Yesterday, Fandango.com released a gushing statement to the press declaring that Hannah Montana & Miley Cyrus: Best of Both Worlds Concert had officially become their "best-selling concert film ever." Now, Var tells us this morning that the tweeny 3D release may be a biggie in more ways than just pre-sale ticket figures; some pundits are projecting that the concert movie could trump Jessica Alba's The Eye at the B.O. this weekend. The larger question, though? Have tweenybops become the new target demo for box office breakouts? Or will the potentially sold-out-everywhere Montana movie just turn out line upon line of horndogs recently captivated by those recently surfaced Miley Underwear pics?

Click to view

To celebrate the 5th anniversary of boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel's ascension to ABC's late night throne, Sarah Silverman decided it was time to come clean—in song, unsurprisingly—about the torrid, fuck-filled affair she's been having with secretly devious Hollywood Nice Guy Matt Damon, who's quietly been delivering carnal payback for years of being Kimmel's sign-off joke ("Apologies to Matt Damon, we've run out of time," etc) in the form of erotic pillow fights, up-against-the-minibar penetrations, and Scrabulous-enhanced trysts with the cuckolded host's longtime partner.

Defamer just managed to get our grubby mitts on a secret copy of a strongly-worded letter that "Actress" Kirstie Alley's legal team over at Goldman & Kagon recently sent to US Weekly. In it, the firm asks that United States Weekly sever their relationship with fashionista/comedienne Danica Lo because of an innocuous Scientology joke she made at the expense of billion-year contract escape clause benifitee Nicole Kidman. The joke in question ran in the "Fashion Police" section of the mag and referred to an outfit Kidman wore to the Australian premiere of The Golden Compass, which the tony Miss Lo described as being "specifically designed [to repel] Scientologists." Um, zing? The legal letter and offending picture follow after the jump.

Terry Semel has stepped down as chairman of Yahoo and will leave the board of directors, more than six months after he left his post as CEO of the company. Board member Roy Bostock will assume his role as non-executive chairman. Don't think they let Terry leave without some lovely parting gifts though: Valleywag has learned that the entrance to Yahoo's Sunnyvale headquarters will be renamed Semel Drive "out of appreciation for everything he's done" for Yahoo. Sweet! That's the kind of golden parachute everyone can enjoy!