Had your fill of tragicomedies involving lip melanoma and drugged up Packages today? Us too! That's why we are calling your attention to this heartfelt, almost too-adorable-for-words diary entry penned by original Brat Packer Andrew McCarthy. You see, Slate commissioned McCarthy to keep a diary to detail what life is like on the estrogen-fueled set of Lipstick Jungle. And while he's certainly no Bret Easton Ellis when it comes to prose, his whimsical musings on why shooting a series in New York "feels much like it does when one is first falling in love" should at least get him an offer from Harlequin.

For those of you deflated by yesterday's devastating news that the annual Vanity Fair Oscars party had been canceled, in deference to the striking writers and the $250,000 worth of crabcake canapés that risked going uneaten if they weren't able to iron out their differences in time, some encouraging news: We bring you the (mildly stale) news that Wolfgang Puck unveiled the full 2008 Governor's Ball menu to a gathering of reporters last week, where they were free to photograph the smorgasbord of Oscar-themed noshes to be served after the hopefully star-intact ceremony. (Any attempt at sampling, however, was quickly met with a swift, stinging swat from the celebrity chef's rubber spatula.) Javier Bardem, life-sized and in chopped liver, after the jump!

Famously, Al Capone was brought down, not by charges of racketeering or murder, but by a mundane prosecution for tax evasion. Could it be that's what finally crimps corruption at the celebrity weeklies? According to Complex magazine, federal investigators have tapped phones at In Touch, the also-ran gossip magazine put out by Bauer Publishing. The focus of the FBI probe: payments to at least one editor in exchange for prominent placement of certain B-list celebrities. (For more desirable stories, and baby pictures, the money flows the other way, from magazine to source.) Accepting bribes, while a sackable offense, is not illegal. However, if an editor failed to declare the income, he could be hauled up for tax evasion. News of the investigation has leaked because agents have called in former staffers for interviews over the last few days. In Touch: want to respond? Email and we'll publish. (After the jump, Robert De Niro as Al Capone, slamming the Untouchables for "doctoring up" some income tax violation.)

· In a move that "might" be related to the strike, Jon Stewart pulls out of a Paley Center fundraiser honoring unkillable Viacom overlord Sumner Redstone; presumably, the possibility of having to cross WGA protesters to host an event celebrating a man who's previously pledged to "live long enough to watch every last one of those greedy, scribbling serfs die on the picket line" suddenly made the gig seem less savory. [THR]
· On Super Tuesday, network TV audiences overwhelming chose Fox's American Idol and House to ABC's coverage of the primaries, which, despite occasional clips of Mitt Romney's hilariously inept audition for the Republican nomination, never stood a chance against the misadventures of dozens of equally delusional Idol hopefuls. [Variety]

Heath Ledger's family has issued a statement in reaction to the autopsy findings: "While no medications were taken in excess, we learned today the combination of doctor-prescribed drugs proved lethal for our boy. Heath's accidental death serves as a caution to the hidden dangers of combining prescription medication, even at low dosage." Read the rest by clicking on the link. [CNN.com]

To celebrate the 14th year of its always breathlessly anticipated Hollywood Issue, Vanity Fair has posted an online gallery of every meticulously composed Annie Leibovitz gatefold cover in the series, which, when unfurled, generally provide a stunning, at-a-glance guide to up-and-comers ready to enjoy a speedy ascent to superstardom.

In a Suspicious Celebrity Growth Exclusive, Grey's Anatomy star Eric Dane shares with OK! magazine the harrowing experience of having learned that a melanoma had developed on his lip. Noticing a patch of what he thought was just chapped skin on his mouth, the actor credits the writers strike with allowing him the time to call a doctor and have check it checked out. (Yay, writers strike!) Little could he have known then of the topical ointment horrors to follow:

Brace yourselves, it sounds like Paris Hilton has decided to take this whole acting thing sorta seriously. And to prove it, she's publicly lauding her newly anointed acting coach, Ivana Chubbuck, for clueing her into a bold new approach to the entire Process of Acting. Paris recently explained to People how this wildly eccentric "Method" had been helpful in preparing her for exceedingly difficult roles in The Hottie and The Nottie and Repo: The Genetic Opera:

Matthew McConaughey popped by the Late Show with David Letterman last night, having at some point in the hours since his Today Show appearance discovered the magical, groove-restoring properties of greasy hair product. It wasn't long before the actor had a bug-eyed Letterman caught helpless inside his mighty yarn-spinning coils, as he recounted the time during the Fool's Gold shoot when he dispatched a group of adventuresome children to hunt down a mostly inert snake lurking uncomfortably close to his sleeping quarters.

At yesterday's ICG Publicists Awards at the Beverly Hilton, Hollywood's most accomplished dissemblers not in the direct employ of the major talent agencies gathered for their annual luncheon celebration, handing out handsome Flackie statuettes (a clipboard-wielding thirtysomething woman hurling herself upon a grenade, cast in the finest bronze) to 2007's most distinguished practitioners of their reality-distorting craft, as well as the grateful celebrity beneficiaries of their skills. Accepting his "Showman of the Year" prize, ubiquitous comedy monopolist Judd Apatow thanked his PR pimps for so effectively turning him out during a busy year in which he had to promote projects like Knocked Up, Superbad and Walk Hard. Reports THR:

It's a rare day in Hollywood when drug-related accusations are confessed to, but yesterday's proclamation by Lynne Spears that professional bad influencer Sam Lutfi was "drugging" Britney aren't fazing Lutfi in the slightest. Quite the opposite, in fact — Us is quoting Lutfi in their latest issue as openly confessing that he gave Britney a handful of "miracle pills" to help her chillax just moments before GurneyGate 2.0 unfolded. Miracle pills, eh? Last we checked, there's nothing miraculous whatsoever about involuntarily being carted off to a psych ward. [Us Weekly]

This morning, the New York City medical examiner revealed the Heath Ledger autopsy results: His death was ruled an accidental overdose from five different prescription medications found in his system. (There was no trace, however, of the cocaine being shockingly ingested several feet away from him two years ago at the Chateau Marmont.) The official cause of death was from "acute intoxication by the combined effects of oxycodone, hydrocodone, diazepam (Valium), temazepam, alprazolam (Xanax), and doxylamine." Developing...

· As we have detailed on these pages before, our hearts haven't really been with the Semi-Celebrity Apprentice since The Donald gave Gene Simmons the boot. However, because we are far too lazy to delete the Season Pass from our TiVos, we still find ourselves compelled to watch the show. Thank goodness, otherwise we would have missed the hilariously dated manner in which (spoiler alert!) Big Pussy found himself ejected from last week's show.
· Vulture presents their Top 10 list of inside jokes they'd like to see included in the potential Arrested Development movie.
· Hmmm. Robert Zemeckis' decision to insert Santa Claus into his adaptation of A Christmas Carol is makin' us thirsty. Even more than these pretzels.
· Slashfilm got not one, not two, not three but FOUR separate phone calls from Paramount lawyers today regarding the leakage of Crystal Skull pics.
· And finally, if you find yourself with a spare four minutes and twenty-four seconds, might we suggest spending it on Golden Fiddle? His tribute to the impossibly shiny-haired goddess Olivia Munn is, in a word, best.

When Napoleon Dynamite exploded into the pop culture universe back in the summer of 2004, more people than we care to remember walked around sporting "Vote For Pedro" t-shirts. In the wake of that film's inexplicable success, Jon Heder went back to work (albeit mostly unmemorably) while Efren Ramirez, better known as Pedro, seemed content just to ride the wave of popularity that the film provided him. During the next year, there was nary a public function that Ramirez DIDN'T show up to, nor was there a photo opp that went by without him sporting a goofy grin and his "Vote For Pedro" shirt (including the Academy Awards!). Why do we bring this up? Because we fear the very same thing is about to happen to McLovin.

Via our friends at BoingBoing, we bring you The 10 Star Wars Toys that Unintentionally Look Like Other Celebrities, a highly amusing gallery of action figures and their accidental doppelgangers that's guaranteed to entertain. Meanwhile, fanboy memorabilia collectors who can't wait until the end of spring for The Dark Knight merchandising to hit store shelves might finally be tempted to crack open that mint Slave Leia specimen and slip her into something a little more black-latexy. [toplessrobot.com]

· Music round-up: Black Mountain at the Troubadour; Dead Meadow at Echoplex; Aimee Mann at Largo.
· Gawker Media's own, Deadspin editor and sworn Chris Berman nemesis Will Leitch, will be at Book Soup to sign his new book, God Save the Fan: How Preening Sportscasters, Athletes Who Speak in The Third Person, and The Occasional Convicted Quarterback Have Taken The Fun Out of Sports (And How We Can Get it Back).
· At the UCB Theatre, Comedy Death Ray hosts Marc Maron, Maria Bamford and John Mulaney.

We never pictured the normally calm-as-a-cuke Brad Pitt as the hissy-fit type, but TMZ is reporting that the actor "threw a tantrum" when he learned the first Ducati Desmosedici RR motorcyle (retail price: $72,500) had been snapped up by another A-Lister. Namely, longtime Ducati enthusiast Tom Cruise (who had been promised the bike by Ducati's North American chief). This news apparently infuriated Brad Pitt, who had allegedly already gone so far as to convince a bigwig at UPS to put a "shipping freeze" on all outgoing Ducatis until he got his.

On this Super Tuesday, there is no Hotter Topic than voting, as we've just been reminded by the right-wing-representing member of The View's daytime political thinktank, Elizabeth Hasselbeck. If you haven't yet been moved to do your civic duty, Hasselbeck's account of how she overcame the unconscionable harassment of ballot-hoarding liberal operatives at her polling place to finally cast her Republican primary vote—out in the open, not behind some shame-concealing curtain!—will certainly encourage you to abandon your cubicle long enough to take part in the democratic process. Let her struggle be your inspiration, America.

In celebration of his sizable contribution to the shirt-eschewing arts, the LAT has compiled a slideshow celebrating six decades (has it been that long since Dazed and Confused? Time really does fly) of Matthew McConaughey toplessness in the public eye. So enjoy their pictorial history of a life in abs, a handsome companion piece to the Gary Busey: Allergic to Pants gallery that ran earlier in the week. [LAT]

[UPDATE after the jump.] In a potential development that flies in the face of the prevailing feelings of Cautious Optimism sweeping the town, Radar reports that Graydon Carter is canceling Hollywood's favorite post-awards-ceremony orgy, the Vanity Fair Oscar party. (Which, you no doubt recall, was relocated to the CAA cafeteria to better facilitate the agency's poaching of the winners.)