While individual celebrities each have their own, signature facial characteristics—the Clooney brow, the Damon eyes, the Streep nose—it would seem to us that with all the scientific advances now available (clone-morph/stem-cell/gene-splicing technologies or what have you, we're not exactly sure how all that wizardry works), that cherrypicking the best of what's out there and compressing the bits and pieces into one star-loaf is definitely the way to go. Apparently, Star magazine had the very same idea, as they've attempted the darned-near impossible:

Edison Chen, the famous actor and singer in Hong Kong who got embroiled in that big old sex scandal recently says he has decided to take some time off to do charity work and "heal myself." That being the standard crisis PR advice. Somebody stole hundreds and hundreds of sex pictures featuring Chen and assorted Hong Kong starlets, and it has been the splash of the century over there for the past few weeks. It doesn't help that the entire set of hundreds of photos has fallen into the hands of all types of media outlets. Like us! After the jump, four more (R-rated only) pictures, to keep you up to date. Any suggestions for what we should do with the rest of these things?

Is there anything that tickles the funny bone more than Alzheimer's disease? Of course not. It's undeniable comedy gold. But thanks to best actress nominee Julie Christie and her big British mouth, there probably won't be any Alzheimer's jokes on this Sunday's Academy Awards. Last month, Christie won a Screen Actors Guild Award for her portrayal of an Alzheimer's patient in the film Away From Her, and she's heavily favored to win the Oscar, too (despite the fact that we don't know a single person who's seen that movie). However, when Christie took the podium to make her victory speech back in January, she quipped:

Looks like Penelope co-stars Christina Ricci and Reese Witherspoon could learn a thing or two from touchy-feely new couple Scarlett Johansson and Natalie Portman: when co-starring in a film that's not guaranteed to be a hit, don't stop at matching haircuts and standing thisclose together at the premiere. Go in for the kill already! Holding on to each other and smiling from ear to ear (but not rear to rear), Reesetina looked almost as lovey-dovey as ScarNat at the LA premiere of Penelope last night, but one set of tattooed cleavage does not a Fake Kiss make.

· We suppose we could do some research to find the name of the guy who rocked the meanest motherscratching ukulele solo we have ever heard on Conan last night, but frankly, it's late and we're tired. Besides, all you need to know is that this fella is even more earnest in his desire to rock than Jables was in School Of Rock. Roy Smeck, eat your heart out. [Late Night with Conan O'Brien]
· Human Giant's Rob Huebel finally gets around to learning the lesson that John Bobbitt taught us back on a warm summer night in 1993. Namely, that having your penis cut off is the fastest way to get famous. [Funny Or Die]
· Slashfilm has the first look (at least the first that we have seen) of Richard Kelly's next directorial effort, The Box. [Slashfilm]
· Jamie Lynn Spears got grounded. What possible trouble can a pregnant girl get into that doesn't involve burger phones, you ask? Going out in public with her boyfriend, that's what! [Radar]
· Look up, it's a solar eclipse! (And by solar, we really meant lunar.) [LAist]

There are several immutable laws of physics: The net force on a body is equal to it's mass multiplied by it's acceleration. Energy equals mass times the speed of light squared. Will.i.am ruins everything he touches. Don't believe us? Check out his recent Grammy performance. Need more proof? Listen to his lifeless remixes on that 25th anniversary re-issue of Thriller. But just when you thought that Will.i.am was content with debasing the sanctity of the entire recording industry, it appears as if he is about to apply his patented reverse Midas Touch on one of the most anticipated action films of 2009.

Our fondness for Attack Of The Show's impossibly shiny haired Olivia Munn has been well-documented on these here pages. Aside from our fanboyish appreciation of her considerable physical charms, the thing that we feel separates Munn from the other pretty faces that grace the telly is her fearlessly honest assessments of some of the, shall we say, floozier members of the Young Hollywood set. Take her comments on Lindsay Lohan's boob-baring photoshoot, for example. What other female television color commentator would dare label LiLo as looking "haggard" and then follow that crack by putting her low-hanging boobs on blast? We can answer that for you: none. Olivia Munn, we salute you and your impossibly shiny hair. Stay gold.

In case you forgot, Sunday is the single most important day of the year, and not just because it features an all-new episode of Big Brother 9: Watch Me Get Blown Beneath the Covers. It's the Oscars! The day assigned to reminding you what it was that you loved about movies in the first place, until Juno takes it all in a stunning upset, and you forget again. In anticipation of the big event—only four more wife-bartering days 'til Hollywood Christmas!—we compiled for you all the Oscar goings-on in one handy, bulleted round-up:

We've all seen those ads where eerily young-looking versions of actors interrupt their classic movie scenes to hawk Direct TV. But the above installment, in which Kathy Bates reprises her Oscar winning role from Misery, kicks off what we're imagining will be a brand new trend. Instead of interrupting just any old movie scene, Direct TV is gonna start interrupting the most disturbing movie scenes of all time.

Just picture it with us. Dustin Hoffman will tell us about how affordable it is to make the switch from cable while getting his teeth drilled in Marathon Man. Then, Michael Madsen will tell us how easy Direct TV is to set up while slicing off that cop's ear in Reservoir Dogs. But the ad we're most excited about will feature Jodie Foster in The Accused. Right in the middle of that infamous rape scene, Jodie will turn to the camera and say, "Just imagine how awesome this pinball machine would look in high definition!"

We must hand it to Will Ferrell. Having just delivered another homerun performance as Chaz Bobby Burgundy the Tank in Semi-Pro, the actor is already thinking ahead to his next project, promoting the just -started -filming Land of the Lost adaptation by wearing this Enik- the- Sleestak- inspired smocksuit to last night's premiere. For purists worried that their beloved, Saturday morning memories of the Marshalls, Cha-Ka, and the rest of the Lost gang might be tainted by crass Hollywood cynicism, fear not: The delightful premise, in which Ferrell stars as an arrogant, womanizing movie star cast in a remake of the Sid and Marty Krofft series, only to discover that real Sleestaks (Vince Vaughn, Ben Stiller) exist among us, is post-modern self-referential hilarity at its finest!

· If you like albums and you like leaves, you should definitely catch The Album Leaf at The Echo tonight. If you like neither albums nor leaves, we suggest either The Snow at Spaceland or Liam "Not Neil" Finn at Amoeba.
· Reduce your carbon footprint alongside Michelle Branch and other surprise musical guests at the Avalon for a Global Green pre-Oscars shindig.
· Laurie Scheer, former vice president of programming for WE: Women's Entertainment, teaches you how to write online videos as part of a Mediabistro seminar. She will "discuss how to think in terms of short attention spans..." and some other stuff we couldn't finish reading.
· Tonight at Hollywood Improv, comedians Daniel Tosh, Aisha Tyler, Godfrey and Ben Gleib will gladly assist you in busting a gut. Show starts at 10pm.

And now back to the ongoing drama revolving around Where the Wild Things Are, Spike Jonze's reported $75 million adaptation of the classic Maurice Sendak picture book for Warner Bros. After some early test footage surfaced, a statement from the director qualified that the Wild Thing suit and child actor featured in the scene were both placeholders for what was to come. Still, Slashfilm floated rumors that early test screenings tanked with audiences, calling it "too adult and even too scary for children." (Translation: Probably genius.) Now CHUD.com reports twitchy suits are on the verge of pressing the panic buttons beneath their desks that would conveniently dispense with creator and floundering project through their office trapdoor:

Prepare yourselves, Drillbit Taylor fans — Owen Wilson is ready to act again. Today's announcement marks his first trip in front of the camera since that unfortunate incident about six months back that put a temporary halt on his thespianic pursuits. So what kind of challenging role is the newly-refreshed Butterscotch Stallion gonna sink his teeth into? How does a lazy blonde slacker who has possible stoner issues grab you? Oh, wait, you mean to tell us that it sounds like every other performance he's ever given? Never fear, we assure you this time it will be different. For this time, he'll be acting with a dog!

While the Chinese government has been admirably restrained in their criticism of Steven Spielberg's decision to pull out of the Beijing Olympics, saying only that they "regret" his choice (while secretly making plans to colorize Schindler's List and snip the first 25 minutes off of Saving Private Ryan), the press and public have been less kind, with one editorial calling the director "famous for his science fiction. But now it seems he lives in a world of science fiction and he can't distinguish a dream from reality." [AP]

Every so often, a confluence of subject matter—say, Hasbro toys and Universal Pictures—will yield a comedy gusher for blogging prospectors such as ourselves. We now stick our straw into BestWeekEver.tv's crude reservoirs, and drink it up. We drink it up! "Lite Brite - Starring: Peter Sarsgaard as Doug Trenton, Jessica Biel as Fragment...A romantic comedy in which a lovelorn widower stumbles upon a magical toy that makes anything he creates in colorful, electronic fragments come to life. He then immediately falls in love with a really pixelated ballerina..." [BWE]

The perfectly coiffed folks over at Men's Vogue decided to put together a very thorough list of the top 50 films that had the "most impact on men's style" when they came out. And their choices (The Graduate and Easy Rider among them) are certainly worthy of mention, but all that superior dressage got us wondering: which style trends should we be most thankful for NOT catching on? From Dante's distressed flannel in Clerks to those infamous white codpieces in A Clockwork Orange, we present a list of our Top 7 least favorite male fashion trends to ever disgrace the silver screen:

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week, so send them in often—the fate of the universe relies upon it! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you spotted Tara Reid having her credit card denied at Blockbuster.

As if it's not enough for Nicolas Cage to have to deal with Kathleen Turner's chihuahua-napping accusations, now the actor is embroiled in a scandal with the Internal Revenue Service. Forbes.com is reporting that the Chiclet-toothed thespian used his production company to illegally write off $3.3 million in personal expenses, including "limos, meals, gifts, travel, and his Gulfstream 1159A turbojet." Sounds to us like someone had their taxes done by the shady accounting firm of Jackson, Hewitt & Snipes.

At long last, the American Idol chaff has been removed (farewell, STG. Farewell, fan-waving hippie. Farewell, toe-tapping girl—or, rather, hello to Defamer's newest celebrity commenter), and we can focus on the unpolished kernels of wheat vying for karaoke's ultimate crown. Only watching the top 12 boys compete last night, we were instantly struck by something: These are some of the gayest wheat-kernels we've ever laid our eyes on!

Paris Hilton spent millions of dollars on a dress for the Academy Awards and was totally looking forward to sleeping networking with industry players come Sunday night. However, according to England's (not entirely reputable) Daily Star, Paris has been banned from the awards this year. She allegedly cried "hot salty tears" when she got the news, but we think that has less to do with missing out on the experience of seeing Jon Stewart read G-rated jokes off a teleprompter and more about not being able to cavort around the Governor's Ball with whoever's currently playing the Shirtless Young Poolboy on Desperate Housewives these days. However, with a little luck and the help of her infamous brown wig, she might just be able to crash the party after all.