Exciting news for actress/singer/fragrance magnate Jennifer Lopez and singer/actor/Caesar-supporter Marc Anthony, for the two are the proud parents of bouncing baby twins—one J and one Lo—born shortly after midnight in a New York-area hospital. Having dropped a rumored $6 million for the privilege, we now acquiesce with a bow and a flourish to People's J-Lo! Twins! Birth! Exclusive!:

· You might recognize Thomas Dekker as the almost- but-not -quite -gay Zach from Heroes, or as a young John Connor on Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles. In this photoshoot, we like to imagine he's listening to an advanced copy of Kylie's latest, and just celebrating all the great things happening to his career. [Queerty]

· Thursday Evening Mind-Melt, Pt. 1: You want meta? Here's your meta: Michel Gondry "swedes" his own Be Kind Rewind trailer. (Now get Amanda Bynes to swede the sweded trailer, and you're likely to have your brains run right out your ears!) [YouTube via The Thighmaster]

· MTV Movie Blog's Josh Horowitz always fantasized about starring in one of those parody Oscar openings, so he went ahead and made one himself. He looks curiously fetching in a Tilda Swinton wig. [moviesblog.mtv.com]

· Thursday Evening Mind-Melt, Pt. 2: It's the Twin Peaks backwards-dancing-midget dream sequence....Backwards. [YouTube]

· Jelly Bean Clooney! [PageSix.com]

We certainly didn't mean to contribute to any level of mass panic with our urgent-yet-responsible (we like to think it was just hysterical enough) noting of a Hepatitis A scare at Ashton Kutcher's recent star-studded birthday bash. Minutes after hitting publish, however, the sight of more than a few civilians running past Defamer HQ windows, shouting things like, "We're all going to die, and that guy from Dude, Where's My Car? is the one to blame! No, not Stifler—the other oooonneeee..." before trailing off into the distance, led us to wonder if perhaps we shouldn't clarify the situation further for our readers. So to be sure, this celebrity outbreak is limited to the NYC area—unless, of course, any of the dozens of L.A.-based guests in attendance made their way back here in the ensuing two weeks, and chose to mingle with our general population. But what are the chances of that? Because accurate information at times like these is key, a Defamer operative has sent in the official statement from NYC Dept. of Health and Mental Hygiene ("NOT the Board of Health," as has been misreported), which we dutifully reprint for you here:

The Los Angeles City Council is expected to vote next week on whether or not to preserve the bungalow where the hard-living and harder-drinking poet and author Charles Bukowski wrote his first novel. The city's Cultural Heritage Commission is attempting to designate the nearly 90-year-old property as a historic monument, which would effectively rescue it from certain destruction at the hands real estate developers who are just itching to put up some condos in its place. Wonder if someday someone will do the same for the apartment off The Strip that the members of Mötley Crüe once lived in? Somehow, we doubt it. [Reuters]

Michael Lohan is back and he's looking for trouble. Not only has he allegedly revealed all the prescription medications Lindsay has ever taken to In Touch, he also claims he's chosen not to view the NY Mag photo shoot because he's such a good dad. So, dare we ask, what advice does he have for his darling daughter and all the other lost souls out there? "Most of these young people shouldn't be on some of these medications, they should be getting spiritual guidance, counseling and exercise." Not only does Michael know just what's good for you, he's qualified to give out medical advice! The only difference between Michael and a real doctor? That pesky doctor-patient confidentiality thing.

If you aren't yet familiar with magical Mormon munchkin David Archuleta, chances are you will be soon. Already dubbed the Chosen One by the LAT, the 17-year-old singing wunderkind seems as though he were literally fashioned out of plasticine by disconcertingly bedentured Idol producer Nigel Lythgoe, ready out-of-the-box for mass tween consumption. And while his aw-shucks humility has served him well thus far in the competition (his reaction to the judge's gushing and Ryan Seacrest's mild flirtation after his first performance was something akin to tickling a five-year-old mercilessly), Archuleta, in keeping with the theme of this year's vet-heavy Idol, is no stranger to high-stakes performing.

The plight of Friday Night Lights is a familiar one. Everybody likes it, but its ratings have been as handicapped as Jason Street. So, what's a network to do? First NBC tried moving it to Friday, then they tried injecting an off-putting murder subplot, but still no Nielsen love. Then the nice folks at bestweekever.tv got in on the act with their "Save Friday Night Lights Campaign" involving light bulbs and a petition, but even that was kiboshed by the Vh1 brass. Just when things were looking like the show would go the way of the dodo and Arrested Development, a new hope has arisen.

Mid-February must be Hepatitis A season, as nearly a year-to-the-day from the Wolfgang Puck scare that made rubber surgical gloves and gas masks the accessories of choice at awards season soirées comes another potentially devastating celebrity contagion. Ashton Kutcher celebrated his 30th birthday [ed. note: Again?] two weeks ago at a club in New York, but it's only just now surfaced that a waitress working there at the time was infected with the jaundicing disease, putting such luminaries in attendance as Madonna and Gwyneth Paltrow (and, to a lesser urgent-extent, Molly Sims and Rachel Zoe) at risk. Star magazine reports:

· Fresh off making Nicolas Cage's life miserable, Kathleen Turner will be appearing at the Santa Monica Public Library to sign copies of her book Send Yourself Roses: Thoughts On My Life, Love and Leading Roles. Leave your chihuahuas at home.
· Billionaire real estate owner Sam Zell, who decided to dabble in publishing when he bought the Tribune Company (LA Times), will join Judy D. Olian, Dean of the UCLA Anderson School of Management, in a conversation at the Hammer.
· Tonight's music highlights include Pinback at the Avalon and Dios (Malos) at the Troubadour. Also, Spaceland has a strong lineup tonight that includes Radars To The Sky, The Hectors and Eject.

When it comes to Wednesday's reality television options, ladies night on American Idol isn't the only game in town. The CW featured a ladies night of a different sort as Tyra Banks unleashed the Cycle 10 premiere of America's Next Top Model on an unsuspecting world. (Can it only be Cycle 10? It feels more like 87.)

Sigh. Fat Clooney, Black and White Clooney, U.N. Clooney, even bathroom stall Clooney—there's just no one quite like George. Just ask Time magazine columnist Joel Stein, who, assigned with the burden of perhaps one of the most culturally significant cover stories of our time (hint: it's called "The Last Movie Star,"), did the nearly unthinkable: He invited the Michael Clayton star to his home. For a home-cooked dinner. And George said yes.

Hipsters can complain about it all they want, but America has fully embraced the Junoverse. Not only is it the most popular of this year's Best Picture nominees ($125 million and counting), it also has an excellent chance of pulling off a Crash-style upset come Sunday. While we seemingly hear the phrase "it's the closest Oscar race in years" each and every awards season, this year it might actually be true. No one movie stands out as a frontrunner. No Country For Old Men is confusing, There Will Be Blood is looooong and grim, 6 people saw Michael Clayton and Atonement feels like an afterthought. That leaves Juno. Just because you sit in your little Silverlake apartment hating on all that overwritten dialogue doesn't mean the rest of the country didn't find it utterly charming.

Thanks to advances in CGI, reports The Onion, even Michael Bay will be getting his due on Oscar night, as green-screen technology will allow programmers to recreate with stunning proximity the illusion that the director is collecting an Academy Award right alongside his nominated Transformers sound and visual effects men. They even have made a grinning Jack in sunglasses out of millions of tiny vectors! [The Onion]

Lorne Michaels is going to do something he hasn't done since 1976. No, not snort coke off of Chevy Chase's shiner. Starting with SNL's triumphant post-strike return to the air this Saturday, he's going to put on four new episodes back-to-back. But if everyone is "so happy to be back at work" according to the NY Times, why is Lorne so blue about the prospect? Being the perfectionist producer that he is, he's rife with regret about the pop culture events they didn't get a chance to cover. "We missed Mike Huckabee. We never got to do our Mitt Romney." As if that weren't bad enough, the show "still needs to find it's Obama." So what can devotees expect when the season returns? Well, after Tina Fey slam dunks her performance this week, Ellen Page will be hosting the next week. After that, the picture is a bit murkier.

· The strike's over, but we were waiting for a deal like this one to really start celebrating: Sony bought 2012, an obnoxiously over-the-top end-of-the-world disaster flick that's going to cost at least $200 million for Roland Emmerich to make! Yay! The studios are back to hemorrhaging money again! [Variety]
· The Academy of Science Fiction, Fantasy and Horror Films Saturn Awards nominations gave 300 the most nominations with ten, and Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix a close second at nine. Flabbergasted producers of The Golden Compass responded by saying, "We had fucking talking-polar-bear fights! What else could you possibly be looking for?!" [Variety]

After witnessing the multi-hued splendor of Tuesday's boys' night, last night's all-girl competition on American Idol was something of a letdown, each contestant virtually indistinguishable from the pageant-ready hopeful who came before her. Even Carly Smithson, the focus of some controversy for having already released a major-label album only to see it flop spectacularly, failed to impress an even-ornerier-than-usual Simon Cowell, who diverged from his two articulation-challenged co-judges to (rightfully) observe, "there's so much hype about you...so much expectation...there's a buzz about you...everything about it for me was a letdown."

If you have any children on your lap while reading this post, now's a good time to ask them to leave the room. We're about to reveal some hard truths and some major spoilers about life. Ready? The tooth fairy doesn't exist, Santa Claus could care less whether you're naughty or nice, and reality TV isn't exactly real. We know. It's a bitter pill to swallow, but you had to find out sooner or later. And if we didn't tell you, you would have surely arrived at that conclusion after reading the Village Voice's riveting "exposé" of Iron Chef America.

In today's most dramatic case of Hollywood hypocrisy, LAPD chief William Bratton has reportedly lashed out at anyone in favor of Councilman Dennis Zine's proposal for a new Britney Spears-inspired paparazzi law. Bratton went so far as to criticize the press for covering "airheads" and also suggested stars get psychiatric help in his monthly interview with KPCC. Which all sounds up to par and somewhat sensible until you remember this is the same Bratton who himself is fond of "traipsing all over town" with his press-happy wife. From LA Observed:

In a stunning victory for lovers of linear medical serials peopled by a variety of horny doctors prone to solipsistic monologue-delivery over aficionados of tropical sci-fi adventures with a penchant for adding confounding new plot elements without explaining the significance of the approximately two dozen such elements introduced prior, ABC has announced a Thursday night programming shift. The network will be returning Grey's Anatomy to the prime, Thursday-at-9 spot on their post-strike schedule, bumping Lost to the less-desirable 10 p.m. slot:

When it comes to imaginative and inventive indie auteurs, you can have your Spike Jonzes and your David O. Russells and your Vincent Gallos. But us? We're sticking with Amanda Bynes! Thanks to the copious research of one delightfully outraged YouTube user, it has come to light that the plot of Michel Gondry's Be Kind Rewind was lifted lock, stock, and barrel from an 8-year-old episode of Nickelodeon's The Amanda Show.