If you've yet to catch an episode of E!'s Pap Smear Pop Fiction, yet another stroke of punking genius from ascending media tycoon and noted cougar-hunter Ashton Kutcher, we've included a clip above. In it, Eva Longoria, for whom fame has quickly turned into a serious drag (please, God, just return her to a life of anonymity, where she can carry out her various, regular-person functions in peace!), and a think-tank consisting of Kutcher and his staff of ingratiating "producers" concoct a deliciously devious plan to "rekindle the non-relationship" with Longoria's longtime platonic friend, Mario Lopez.

Can't you just picture it now? The former Saved By The Bell star will gift her with a necklace, and the gullible tabloid press will fall for the ruse hook, line, and sinker. Moments later, the splashy photos will appear across paparazzi sites, gossip blogs, and eventually the tabloids and glossies. And oh, how they'll laugh. Laugh! For Eva and Mario, they are nothing but friends. And you bought it! Do you see now? Do you see what a fool you are, gullible consumer of paparazzi product? Now you go and think about what it is you've done during the commercial break, after which you'll learn things about K-Fed's spare tire that will blow your brains right out the back of your heads.