After gleefully using Ryan Phillipe's long-ago soap role as a gay teen as an opportunity to script a few homophobic jokes at the actor's expense, Jay Leno is still bruising from the backlash. Even the release of an official apology on behalf of NBC has yet to deter the soon-to-be-unemployed talk show host from woefully expressing his regret. At last night's premiere of One, Too Many, Leno spoke out against any rumors that the Stop Loss star and him are on the outs, saying "He's terrific...No, we talked about it before. We're friends. I mean, it's a talk show. That's what you do." So talk shows these days are merely forums to say "dumb things" for a halfhearted laugh or two? News to us! [People]

If you're planning on going out and getting bombed tonight, it's best to do so on a full stomach. Enter Dirt Sandwich, carefully crafted by Defamer's Top Chef, Molly McAleer. Each week, she grazes through the rich pasture of tabloid television for the juiciest ingredients and then stacks them all together into an easily digestible sammy, one that's guaranteed to soak up all the booze you'll be pouring down your gullet this evening. This week's Dirt Sandwich features Robin Williams' appearance at Idol Gives Back (not showing any sign of his personal troubles!), the first interview Denise Richards has ever given in her bathroom (an E! News exclusive!), Jamie Lynn Spears' romantic birthday dinner at a Louisiana Ruby Tuesdays (say what you will, but their Double Chocolate Cake is KILLER) and, of course, Rob Lowe's allegations that his nanny was set to blackmail him with "a vicious laundry list of false terribles" (which, btw, became word of the week at Defamer HQ). Enjoy, kids ... False Terribles!

We weren't the only ones disturbed by that scratchy and highly controversial video showing Heath Ledger at a cocaine-filled party that emerged days after his untimely death. And now, an ex-girlfriend of one of the photographers present at the party is suing her ex's paparazzi agency under the alias "Jane Doe" for setting up the actor in an attempt to secretly tape him using drugs:

Earlier today over at McSweeney's, we downloaded what's reportedly author Michael Chabon's original screenplay for Spider-Man 2. Reworked, reconsidered and rewritten a few dozen times (by three other writers; Chabon got story credit) before making its way to the screen as Sam Raimi's blockbuster, the script features some of the moody, angsty masculine hallmarks threading the Pulitzer prize-winner's novels like Wonder Boys and The Mysteries of Pittsburgh. The skeptic in us has its doubts, but while we're still torn over the overwhelmingly pranky nature of Oliver Stone's W, we don't know who the hell else would have written 252 pages of fan fiction this dynamic or, well, literary. In any case, we have our weekend reading cut out for us. [Via Videogum]

FRIDAY

· It's Friday! What better to way to kick off the weekend than by pounding a couple of rootbeers and going to see some rock music? Check out Enon at Spaceland, Nick Lowe/Robyn Hitchcock at the El Rey, Rhett Miller at Largo or Glenn Frey at the Roxy.

· Crimes and Misdemeanors screens at the New Center for Psychoanalysis. [Insert your own Woody Allen shrink joke here]

Dear Paul Thomas Anderson,

Despite the increase in ratings Britney Spears' guest appearance brought to How I Met Your Mother, unicorn-loving star Neil Patrick Harris wasn't pleased with the producers' stunt casting plans. And he's not afraid to say so. The shoe fairy is so confident in the allegedly in-danger-of-being-canceled show's content that he's intent on maintaining the show's integrity based on content alone, sans tabloid names to keep it afloat. As he told the AP this week:

Much to his dismay, Jonah Hill was ironically photographed at the premiere of Forgetting Sarah Marshall standing in front of the word "FAT", which appears on the somewhat clever / somewhat annoying posters for the movie. The photographer chuckled rather loudly after taking the picture and considered the photo to be a wake up call in light of recent events like portly comic Artie Lange's recent departure from the Howard Stern show. Hill thought it was unnecessary and uncalled for, seeing as he's just trying to have a good time at the screening.

We were always a bit confused when Sarah Jessica Parker touted her no-nudity clause throughout all six seasons of Sex And The City, considering how often her character would appear in three-inch long skirts and see-through tops that left nothing to the imagination. Despite being the only actress out of the four leads who never technically revealed any T&A, we still walked away from the show with a near-perfect idea (unfortunately) of what SJP looks like naked. So why break out in a rash and put on earmuffs at the very mention of the word "sex," a word that's come to define her entire career, in this clip from last night's Conan?

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by our readers, and are posted several times a week (depending on volume), so send them in early and often—without them, global warming will surely accelerate at an even faster rate! Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you watched Janice Dickinson eat two buckets of popcorn during the course of just one movie.

Welcome to Defamer Attractions, a new feature previewing the latest, greatest and thoroughly misadventurous in weekend moviegoing. We'll be breaking the next three days into a few key categories, including a basic rundown of "What's New," flops-to-be in "The Big Loser," one worthy indie in "The Underdog," and, "For Shut-Ins," a quick look at highlights among new DVD's. Our opinions are our own, but they're impeccable and as close to exact science as Defamer gets. We hope you'll check in weekly!

Actor Idris Elba and his publicist would like to inform the general public that while he may have played the character, "Stringer Bell" on the critically acclaimed series, The Wire, his name is actually Idris Elba. Elba and his publicist in the future hope with the aid of this campaign to curtail the number of people shouting "Stringer Bell."

Thanks this week go to AT&T, Crown Publishing, Groomer Has It, Honda Fit, Mini, Random House, Tribeca Film Festival, Unscrew America, Uwishunu.com and VW. If you would like to join this esteemed group of Defamer advertisers, all of the requisite information can be found here.

Oh Ellen Page. First you send your "power lesbian" publicist into a tizzy defending your heterosexual honor, then you make a fool out of poor Jay Leno in his own house of belly laughs. Have you really moved on to shun the potty-mouthed legend that is Jane Fonda? One stripper-scripted indie hit on your resume does not entitle you to divadom quite yet. In a scathing NY Daily News blind item today, a "rising young actress" is reported to have brushed off Fonda's desire to meet her at a party with a curse-laden remark, and as our detective skills suggest after the jump, all signs point to Page as the catty star in question.

Nothing gets us in the mood for a jam like a has-been pop icon arrested for domestic battery — a sentiment to which KTLA morning staffer Jessica Holmes stylishly related this morning. Barely finished with her report of Vanilla Ice's jailing in Florida on charges of kicking and hitting his wife, the bubbly entertainmentard summoned a trio of back-up "dancers" for an impromptu run through "Ice Ice Baby." Reaction in the newsroom was mixed, with a vigorous defense from seasoned veterans who recalled the time Walter Cronkite and a young Dan Rather punctuated revelations of Ike Turner's domestic abuse with a loosely harmonized performance of "You Should'a Treated Me Right." Skin-crawling video after the jump.

Despite the fact that only a couple of fools went to see Fool's Gold when it opened Stateside back in February, stars Kate Hudson and Matthew McConaughey are still dutifully promoting the film over in London. And McConaughey is still dutifully making a fool of himself. The dad-to-be didn't strip down and play naked bongos on the red carpet, but he did have trouble keeping his eyes off Hudson's satin-clad new curves. Curves which managed to leave everyone feeling "seasick" due to her green gown clashing with a gimmicky blue carpet. Kate's solution? Revisit those Lessons We All Learned In College and maneuver into a new dress in the confines of a "loo" stall!

Last night was a special one as NBC's Thursday night primetime players officially made their post-strike return, and we hope for Sarah Larson's sake that George Clooney wasn't watching. As many of you will recall, Jan and her implants made a nightmarish appearance on The Office, dousing Michael's condo with scented candles and every other kind of annoying "feminine touch" imaginable. And as a source tells OK!, Clooney's arm candy is guilty of the same behavior while George is sadly still promoting box office dud Leatherheads out of town:

B-list favorite Tom Arnold seemingly appeared out of nowhere and joined Veronica Mars star Kristen Bell and Dax Shepard on a hike in Griffith Park on Thursday. Arnold who appeared to be extremely excited to be hanging out with the guy from Punk'd, applied the "I'm famous, you're famous, so we're automatically besties" rule to the twosome. The young couple simply shrugged their shoulders and allowed Arnold to tag along, but they quickly regretted the decision as Arnold launched into a fifteen-minute diatribe about the pitfalls of network television and "the good ole days." Then Arnold asked if Bell could set up a meeting between him and Judd Apatow.

Give your notice! Get your resumes polished! A caps-lock challenged "A-list CELEBRITY MUSICIAN/ACTOR" is making the HR rounds this week, in search of a personal assistant
who stands to gain lucratively ($1,000/week! Net!) for doing everything but tucking our anonymous prima donna into lavender-scented slumber every night — though we presume that's not far behind. Follow the jump for some of the criteria you need to make this thankless gig your own.

Just as the Britney Spears Comeback Tour was picking up fuel with that promising role on HIMYM and a temporary absence from the tabloids, it appears that Spears may be regressing. The National Enquirer is reporting that Britney and her recently reunited manager Larry Rudolph are shopping around a reality show that would look, talk and walk far different from Chaotic: no K. Fed, two babies to feed, and no one to drug her and prompt intelligent conversation: