Sad news to report. The rumors that we heard earlier this afternoon about impending layoffs at The House That Freddy Built have come to fruition. Variety is reporting that Time Warner is pinkslipping 450 New Line staffers, a number that equates to nearly 90% of their current payroll, as the newly scaled-down shingle merges into the larger Warner Bros fold. The worst part? Although notifications of the dismissals began earlier this afternoon, they won't be completed until tomorrow, which means that a number of employees will be spending the evening unsure as to whether or not they'll even have a job at this time tomorrow. Synergy just ain't what it used to be. If you hear or see anything else (memos, etc.), please send 'em our way. [Variety]

Earlier this month, NBC's resident rock star Ben Silverman announced his plans to deliver a warm and cuddly hour of programming in NBC's 8-9pm block. But last week's triumphant return of 30 Rock and The Office was notably filled with "vulgarities" one doesn't normally associate with family fun. As Silverman promised during the heart-warming press conference, he intended on making sure the first hour of primetime was "about family, and it's about heroes, real and super. It's good endings and the good guys winning." But as the NY Times points out today, the "good guys" are more likely to get bleeped than share PG lessons with viewers, and "winning" is more likely to be associated with causing erections on MILF Island.

"Celebrity" Kim Kardashian threw what was reported to be a "major hissy fit" after she and her large posterior felt they were being ignored by the patrons and photographers outside of S-Bar. Kardashian complained about nobody at the bar offering to buy her drink or even wanting to take a photo with her. "What's the point of leaking a sex tape if you're not going to getting any free drinks from it? Holy smokes!"

· "Most popular publicist in New York"-turned-memoirist Sloane Crosley presents her first book, I Was Told There Would Be Cake, at Book Soup. We've read this collection of short stories and would like to relay that it's well deserving of all the hype that's been bestowed upon it. Definitely recommended.
· Check out "The Photography of Pattie Boyd", who was the former wife of both George Harrison and Eric Clapton, at the Morrison Hotel Gallery (which is named after a rock star she didn't bang — at least that we know of).
· Punk rock legends NOFX will be performing at the Knitting Factory tonight, Radars to the Sky are at the Echo, Jonathan Rice is at Spaceland and Apocalyptica will be at the Roxy.

Perhaps Diddy's plan to create a celebrity chauffeur service wasn't such a bad one after all. After leaving a club last night mumbling and grumbling, beach yogi Jeremy Piven made an attempt to drive himself home in a techno-blaring first generation Ford Bronco (we think), but didn't make it very far. Seems the services of his dealer friend were needed to act as designated driver and deliver the Pivster to his abode unharmed. But what went down at the gas station where he abandoned his machismo-exuding ride? Tell us, nicotine-addicted witnesses, do tell us!

A tip into Defamer HQ suggests that today may be the last for the majority of remaining employees at New Line Cinema, the Time Warner subsidiary that has spent the last month transitioning from a stand-alone operation to a genre cog in the Warner Bros. machine. The speculation trickled down a little bit ago from a few private industry message boards; it would be the culmination of news expected since co-founders Bob Shaye and Michael Lynne made their own departures public Feb. 28. Production head Toby Emmerich surprised most observers last month by staying on as president and COO, but he's in the minority likely to stay on as the labels consolidate. Let us know if you've heard the same — you know where to find us.

In the ever-evolving canon of celebrity sex tapes, neither a pseudo-Lindsay Lohan nor a canny Kristin Davis nor anyone since Pamela and Tommy likely have anything on Marilyn Monroe, whom the Post reports today was featured on a newly unearthed stag reel performing oral sex. Or maybe it's Marilyn Monroe. We're not so sure ourselves.

Famed filmmaker Oliver Stone threw a party for himself and a few friends over the weekend to celebrate his anticipated comeback to Hollywood. After a couple of glasses of wine, Stone opened up to anybody who'd listen about how great his upcoming George W Bush biopic is going to be. He later added that the name Oliver Stone will no longer be remembered for bloated period epics, crackpot political theories and forced stylistic flourishes; no, the Stone name will once again be a great name. He then proceed to pound another glass of wine.

Despite all the photos we've seen from the Sex And The City movie set, and all the rumors circling around about plotlines and marriages and dream sequences, fans of the show are still in the dark regarding what lies in store for the four aging heroines. And expressing any interest whatsoever is somewhat embarrassing, since caring about the futures of Carrie, Miranda, Samantha and Charlotte has become slightly de rigueur as each passing year post-finale makes SATC episodes look more and more ancient and silly. But for those of you who feel no shame in wondering what happens in the big-screen version of the girls' lives (at least in the privacy of your own cubicle or home), the NY Post has provided a few spoilers to satisfy your curiosity. More info after the jump; warning, it's spoiler heavy.

Seeing as the L.A. Times wouldn't rush any story it couldn't retract in disgrace a few weeks later, John Horn took his sweet time pounding out today's analysis of all the dramatic agency-hopping exploits over the last week-and-a-half. There's a little bit of a long view, here, however, and it's decidedly ugly; for starters, could industry volatility force CAA reps to endure the horrors of — gulp — business class? Or worse?

If the Learning Annex on Wilshire ever launches a course for cocktail waitresses looking to nab themselves a movie star, we would like to recommend Sarah Larson to teach the class. George Clooney's sand-diving arm candy is truly talented when it comes to catching the attention of impossible-to-land bachelors, and as she revealed in an interview with her hometown paper today, all it takes is a reenactment of those infamous soft-core porny photos she took. While most of us thought Larson caught Clooney's eye at his Ocean's 13 premiere, it turns out the couple may have met on the very same night Larson was snapped levitating and biting her girlfriend's butt. More words of wisdom and fairy tales come true from Sarah after the jump.

Tom Cruise isn't having the best month. First, a bunch of hooligans slapped his laughy face on some ultra-strong pot and called it Tom Cruise Purple. Then, the feel-good movie of 2008, Valkyrie, got pushed back (making it the feel-good movie of 2009). And now, Victoria Beckham has usurped a bit of his domestic control and transformed Katie Holmes into a fellow stick figurine. And Tom's April blues have reached a breaking point:

After watching her husband suffer a crushing loss at the hands of Los Angeles Lakers, Eva Longoria-Parker, wife of San Antonio Spurs guard Tony Parker, decided to work out her feelings of disappointment and frustration. Longoria-Parker told her friends that she was mostly upset because "of all the games I could've gone to this season , I had to pick the one where he loses." A friend mentioned that it would've been awesome cross promotion for the first post strike episode of Desperate Housewives if Tony had won. Longoria-Parker then held her Barneys bag and smiled, "This makes everything all right though. Now, let's get some margaritas!"

Seeing as you've still got almost 36 hours to cobble together your taxes, feel free to blow off those forms and join us in crunching some numbers that really matter: This weekend's box office returns:

Looks like last week's news that the Britney Spears Comeback Tour were showing signs of slowing down were more prophetic than we thought. On Saturday night, Spears was on her way to break bread with her semi-estranged mother Lynne when she rear-ended a Nissan that stopped in traffic in front of her on the 101. The cause of the accident? Britney was applying her makeup while driving:

For an actress without any implants to show off, Sienna Miller is officially one of the least inhibited stars around. Our friends at Egotastic have caught the sweet talker revealing her naughty bits in the past, and earlier this year we learned about her habit of getting busy in restaurant wine cellars. And now, it seems the ocean's ability to remove her bikini top led Sienna to turn a day at the beach into an opportunity to pretend she was on a nude one for a while, chit chatting topless and waiting longer than one usually does to fix a loose suit.

In the latest flimsy edition of Barbarella Will Be Remade (No Really We Mean It) Quarterly, perennial cover girl Rose McGowan grabbed another opportunity to swear on a stack of imaginary scripts that she is super-seriously-definitely reprising Jane Fonda's original role in the long-gestating Robert Rodriguez do-over. And it is a do-over according to McGowan, who gets her critical faculties (and probably a few tempers at Universal) in a lather just thinking about it:

Rising star Shia LaBeouf gave one of his younger fans the cold shoulder at the LAX baggage claim over the weekend. The young fan asked LaBeouf if he was going to do another Even Stevens movie, which got no response from LaBeouf. Then the fan began to shout "Hello?" over and over again until LaBeouf picked up the wrong piece of luggage and ran out of the terminal.

While most of the civilized world enjoyed an early-spring weekend about town, SAG president and press warlord Alan Rosenberg practiced his saber-rattling in anticipation of upcoming labor negotiations with the studios. Despite reaching out to AFTRA to rejoin them in talks starting tomorrow, such token detente couldn't mitigate Rosenberg's resistance pledged against everyone from mutinous actors like Kevin Bacon and Charlie Sheen to penny-pinching producers. And at least one high-powered, face-saving source is urging the union to stand down or face certain doom.

As we put this week to bed, it's time to reflect, project, deflect and genuflect on the week that was...
· Big week for Gorgeous George Clooney. His passion project, Leatherheads,
disappointed at the box office (twice!), he was on the receiving end of a threatening phone call and his sand-loving girlfriend turned his bachelor pad into Yankee Candle outlet. Ah, who are we kidding? He can still pull digits with the best of 'em.
· Ellen Page butched it up on Leno and may (or may not!) have dissed Hanoi Jane.
· Certainly, Tom Cruise has had better weeks. MGM tried to spin Valkyrie's second release date pushback as a B.O. ploy, but we knew better.
· Artie Lange and Charlton Heston both had shitty weeks, too. Artie resigned from the Howard Stern Show and Charlton, well, he died.
· The hackiest hack that ever hacked, Uwe Boll, found himself on the wrong end of an online petition that might just end his career (fingers crossed!). Howevs, he was able to leverage the power of the internet to fight back ... twice!
· It was Musical Chairs week at Hollywood's biggest talent agencies. Bob DeNiro bolted from CAA (spurring a hilarious poison pen post from the Death Star), Nick Stevens led one of "the biggest agent migrations in years" when he bolted from UTA to Endeavor and a finch with a mean streak wreaked havoc at CAA shortly after Ashton Kutcher became the agency's newest client.
· Teri Hatcher and Clint Black learned that they're both better off sticking with their day jobs.
· After publicly (and somewhat shadily) announcing that he and his wife were victims of an alleged extortion attempt by his nanny, Rob Lowe displayed the keen ability to turn an adjective into a noun when he coined the term "false terribles."