Will Nicole Richie (shocker!) ultimately wind up just like that other tabloid favorite who got knocked up a wee early and eventually morphed into a ripped pantyhose-wearing, bathtub-hopping gurney-strapped party girl? As MSNBC reports, Richie is finding herself torn between the So! Wonderful! life of motherhood and domestic bliss all those parenting magazines assure us is pure happiness, and her former profession as a full-time mischief causer:

Scarlett Johansson, daughter of Danish-born architect Karsten Johansson and Melanie Sloan, a producer from the Bronx of Ashkenazi Jewish heritage, has accepted Ryan Reynolds's hand in marriage. The groom-to-be hails from Vancouver, Canada, the son of Tammy Reynolds, a salesperson and career student, and Jim Reynolds, a food wholesaler and former semi-professional boxer.

[Photo Credit: Splash Pics]

In case you haven't heard yet that The Dark Knight is going to be the Darkest! Batman! Ever! (complete with a mourned actor doing all kinds of posthumously hype-worthy things that no one will shut up about), Aaron Eckhart showed up in the LA Times's summer film preview Sunday to reinforce the company line that "people will be surprised" at the bleak turns his own Harvey Dent character endures en route to becoming Two Face:

As predicted by a crisis-management think tank at USC's Annenberg School of Flack Studies in a research paper entitled, So, You're the Recently Fired Star of a Hit Series Picked Up Unconscious with a Serious Selection of Party Drugs: Now What?, CSI-alumnus Gary Dourdan has announced that the stash of heroine, cocaine, ecstasy, and prescription pills found in his car did not, in fact, belong to him:

Congratulations to the gang at United Talent Agency, who last weekend offset a series of high-profile defections with the addition of Mitchell Gossett — the Agent to the Child Stars who brings along top client and recent teenagers-fucking firebrand Miley Cyrus. Nikki Finke had the news Saturday, reporting that Billy Ray Cyrus would be tagging along out of Gossett's former headquarters at Cunningham Escott Slevin Doherty, sort of a halfway house for transitioning young talent (and, evidently, their middling parents). Finke notes that it's anyone's guess how Miley's Vanity Fair bedsheet-rocking played into the deal, but the timing seems clear enough to us.

Baby showers tend to be happy, innocuous gatherings dabbled with smiley supportive friends, gushing family members and the occasional guest who clearly doesn't want to be there. But when Juno Lynn Spears throws a big ol' baby party down in sweet home Louisiana, party guests also include armed guards and security detail. Why? Well, big sis Britney came to town, bringing her best pair of booty shorts and that memorable messy blonde bun from her barefoot bathroom escapade days along. The rest of the guest list, including which family member was noticeably missing, after the jump.

James Frey's upcoming novel, Bright Shiny Morning, features interwoven narratives from the city of Los Angeles. One of his characters, a gay Cuban internet-based gossip, is based on—you guessed it, Perez Hilton! Aww. (Although, Frey does write that "between six and eight million people a day come to his website," which seems a little high.) Read the excerpt for trajectory of a young Perez Hilton.

It was less than six months ago that Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane was picketing along with his fellow WGA members, saying of Fox's plans to air Guy episodes that had not yet been completed: "It would just be a colossal dick move if they did that." At the time, MacFarlane had the luxury of knowing his deal with the studio—two years in the making, and reportedly astronomical—had yet to be finalized, putting him "in breach of nothing" during the work stoppage. Well, the dotted-lines have at last been signed, the fences, apparently mended: 20th Century Fox TV will make MacFarlane the highest-paid writer/producer/gay-baby-voicer in television.

In between takes of filming a commercial for Nintendo, a woman stopped and asked Liv Tyler, star of the upcoming The Strangers, if she was in fact Michelle Monaghan, star of the recently released Made Of Honor. Tyler explained to the woman that she wasn't related to Monaghan, but the woman insisted that Tyler must be an aunt or a distant cousin of Monaghan. Tyler continued to explain her genealogy by mentioning that her father was the singer for Aerosmith, but the woman shook her head and said, "Fine. Whatever. You're not related to her, but I most certainly know that she's a lot nicer."

Last time we had the pleasure of seeing possibly cursed OC alum Mischa Barton in a bikini was, how to put this delicately, during an blatantly and painfully obviously staged photo shoot in Malibu. The shoot was set up to look like a fortunate paparazzo just so happened to come across the unemployed starlet while she was beach reading and picking wedgies. But alas, as new pictures reveal, Mischa isn't so picture-perfect when donning a swimsuit and appearing in public without her handy and trustworthy paid-off photographers around.

We assumed in last week's Defamer Attractions column that $75 million opening-weekend estimates seemed awfully conservative for Iron Man, but even our $90 million forecast undershot the film's $100.7 million three-day take. (It was $104.2 million if you count Thursday night previews, and more than $200 million globally.) Aside from the obligatory splash for any early-summer tentpole, we're surprised observers didn't see the finely calibrated alchemy that Marvel and Paramount used to spin its Iron into box office gold:

1. Iron Man - $100.75 million
Just when a lackluster spring box office had Hollywood worried, Iron Man jets into town, slapping his Stark™ brass-rocket-parts on the table and daring all challengers to do the same. (Batman was game, though gave up ten minutes into an unsuccessful attempt at unbuckling his utility belt. The Hulk, meanwhile, turned a shade of greenish-red and slinked out of the room, years of performance-enhancing gamma ray abuse having taken an irreversible toll on the contents of those stretchy purple pants.) No question about it, Iron Man enters the Great Movie Summer of 2008 a fearsome, armor-clad conquistador. Among its record-breaking achievements:
· The second-highest grossing opening weekend ever for a non-sequel.
· The tenth-highest grossing opening weekend overall.
· The best opening ever for a Paramount live-action release (though the studio is only distributing and marketing it for Marvel Studios).
The high-sheen, flame-resistant finish on the titanium-alloy cake? Iron Man's wadded-up-script-missile-launching capabilities paid off with a movie worth watching.

WHEREAS, it's not really our style to judge anyone before noon, especially on a Monday, but that's when New York Magazine happened to publish its new cover story about Sarah Jessica Parker; and

· Miley Cyrus is just a cog in the slutty-teen-covergirl machine. Deconstructing the furor, through the eyes of a sexually active minor. Only Donny Osmond saw it coming.
· An Oprah and Tom Reunion : The look in those eyes? That's fear. The teaser. The money shots.
· Great Moments in Western Civilization presents Paula Abdul Gives Up All Pretense of Trying To Come Off Like She Knows What the Fuck is Going On Around Her.
· People celebrates the 100 Most Beautiful. If you are not on this list, you may have dodged a bullet.
· "So remember the name Pellicano! For all your private investigating and shaking-down needs. You've been a great crowd. Good night!"
· Never given any thought to Rob Lowe's love of cockrings? Well, you can't say that anymore!
· David Blaine just held his breath a whole bunch and stuff.
· If you want to see the next The Dark Knight trailer, you can count the number of spigots on the Hollywood + Highland fountain as you patiently wait for a FedEx delivery. Or you can just click here.
· Uma Thurman's stalker is just a misunderstood creep...with a craft-loving side!
· Four directors who could make something interesting out of The Hobbit.
· Some trouble is brewing in The Lovely Bones's paradise.
· Little progress is made in the SAG talks.
· Sean Penn is definitely not going to make it to the Coachella '08 greatest hits reel.
· Gwyneth 2.0: All flashy hooker, all the time. Sensual Late Show rubdowns.
· Blindness opens Cannes with a Ruffaloesque flourish.
· "Ooh! I can feel the smack tingling!" "That means it's working, Angelina!"
· Diablo Cody musings on the ones.
· John Cusack's War Inc. as critically reviled as his last high-minded movie about the Iraq war.
· Yet further words to live by from those cretins on The Hills.
· You can lead the Sheen to the altar, but you can't make stop ordering cheerleader sluts in bulk.
· X marks Amy Smart's goodies on the set of Crank 2.
· Lost: The body hair question.

· Still want more OT (Oprah/Tom)? We've compiled the interview's best moments. And yes, he addresses the indoctrination video you watched here. Verdict? Oprah: Asked the tough questions. Tom: Depressed. [Oprah.com]
· Yikes. We'd hate to see what Kanye would have written if EW had given his tour a B-minus. [kanyeuniversecity.com via Idolator]
· Now you can linger over assistant Jonathan's lovingly collaged FRIENDS 4 EVA!!! farewell poster for Jack Donaghy from last night's 30 Rock. [Videogum]
· It's time for accused Uma-stalker Jack "Tee-Hee" Jordan to have his say: He's humiliated! (Now that we think of it, Tee-Hee is the greatest nickname ever. Dibs!) [Reuters]
· "Hey, Gary! Good weekend? What?!" [People]
· The assault charges against Rod Stewart's retarded son have been dropped. [AP]
· Angelyne has the developers of the W Hotel over a barrel. Attagirl! [LAT]

It's tough to remember (or believe) that once upon a time, Nicole Richie was merely Paris Hilton's chubby, recently-rehabbed, dread-locked sidekick. She made a name for herself by starting fights in clubs and providing a crude antidote to the far more glamorous Paris during the first season of The Simple Life. Fast-forward five years later (just like in Lost!); Richie has managed to outshine Hilton's star status not by doing anything in the way of "work," but instead by transforming into a style icon with a fiance and baby to boot. And lately, Paris seems to be doing everything in her power to copy her former lesser half's life, from her choices in fashion and boyfriends to her recent and sudden slim-down.

Before we get started with this weekend's To Do's, Defamer would like to bid a fond farewell to Intern Kerry, who has been writing the copy you have seen in this space for darn near the last four years. Everyone at Defamer, both past and present, would like to thank her for not only keeping us all abreast of what we should and should not be doing on a nightly basis in Los Angeles, but also for making us laugh. Don't fret, though, To Do's will be back on Monday, albeit in a slightly different form. Now, on with the weekend activities...

If you are on the hunt for comfort food for your brain, look no further than this week's flavor-packed installment of Dirt Sandwich. Each week, our superstar videotrix Molly McAleer puts her very sanity on the line for you, the loyal Defamer reader, as she pours through over a dozen hours of infotainment shows looking for moments of high camp from TV journalism's lowlifes. This week's episode features only the hottest of hott topics, including Miley Cyrus' initial reaction to Annie Liebovitz's now controversial Vanity Fair spread ("Annie took, like, a beautiful shot"), Donny Osmond's nationwide manhunt for a gentleman caller willing to date his sister, Harvey Levin drooling over some new Halle Berry pics and, of course, the appearance of a cow on the set of Extra. And no, we're not talking about Dayna Devon. Enjoy!

Seemingly no day this week would be complete without the unauthorized use of a celebrity to further a lesser entity's cause. First we had Uwe Boll borrowing Michael Bay to pimp his new film, and not 24 hours later, the American Beverage Institute placed a full-page ad in USA Today featuring Lindsay Lohan as the poster child — literally — for drunken driving. Arguing against laws that would require "ignition interlocks" — or built-in breathalyzers — in every new vehicle off the assembly line, the ABI's ad uses Lohan's mugshot to suggest the starlet's soggy transgressions shouldn't hurt the nice folks who don't mind a happy-hour nip or eight. Within hours, Lohan's lawyer was venting to TMZ: