Click to viewLured as much by its illustrious roster of Hollywood comedy power-players as we were by Quebec's notoriously lax champagne-room laws and the promise of a poutine stand on every corner, Defamer dispatched editor Seth Abramovitch to Montreal to take in a few days of the 2008 Just For Laughs Festival. Now a quarter-century old, Just For Laughs has grown into the largest comedy festival—two weeks of stand-up, sketch comedy, movie screenings, and street performances. Tonight we'll be front and center for the much-hyped Apatow For Destruction, billed as "a unique night of stand-up comedy as writer/director/producer Judd Apatow assembles a veritable all-star team with one of Canada's biggest exports, Seth Rogen, Craig Robinson, Russell Brand and a line-up of some of the most buzzed about film and TV stars in comedy."

But we're getting ahead of ourselves: Last night, we managed to get a freshly Emmy-nominated Kathy Griffin to sit down with us just minutes before taking the Theatre St-Denis stage for that night's comedy gala. Besides taping a special greeting just for you, dear Defamer reader, she was a great sport in submitting to all our probing Kathy questions. Has she ever grappled with addiction? Is Padma Lakshmi a coddled diva? Did The Woz ever get handsy? Should Ryan Seacrest suck it? All is revealed, after the jump.

KATHY: It's so nice to meet you. I'm such a fan. [Hugs.]

DEFAMER: You are?

KATHY: Of Defamer? I read it every day. Are you kidding? I have arrived to be even slightly favorably spoken of on Defamer. Everybody e-mails me instantly. I love it. You know why? It's so clever, as opposed to being mean or shocking. I think the essays are so hysterical. I absolutely laugh out loud at that website. I think it's so good. And I always feel so famous if I'm in a PrivacyWatch. Very famous.

DEFAMER: Wow. Well that's really nice to hear, because we're huge fans of yours.

KATHY: I feel like I kind of cross over when I speak out about Scientology. Like, "Oh, good, only Defamer will support me on that." When all other heads of state turn on me.

DEFAMER: So what are your latest thoughts about it? Still a dangerous cult, or just a misunderstood community center?

KATHY: Well of course I love the Der Spiegel interview where Tom Cruise gets all indignant and says, "Would you make fun of someone's religion?" It's, like, fuck yeah, Tom. It's all on the table. The insidiousness of actually saying you can't make fun of someone's religion—it's ridiculous. Of course you can make fun of anyone's religion.

DEFAMER: And earn Emmys doing it!

KATHY: I'm a double Emmy nominee. Can you believe this shit? Can I tell you the press release that Bravo wouldn't let me do? Because they said they wanted something to put out there when I got the news today. And my official statement was, "Does this mean I can go to Lifetime and get more money like Project Runway did?" I thought that was funny, but today I heard from my publicist that Bravo won't release that. So I said somebody with a sense of humor should release it, then.

DEFAMER: Consider it released. So where were you when you found out?

KATHY: I was sleeping at the Hotel St. Paul. You think I expected it? Like I stayed up all night with my hair and makeup on? Please. I took an Ambien. You could have stabbed me in my sleep.

DEFAMER: Who told you? [Kathy's assistant and My Life on the D-List co-star] Tom?

[Tom nods.]

KATHY: Tom did tell me. It was actually a pretty Hollywood story. I got the call from Rogers and Cowens. So that's kind of A-list, that my publicist called me.

DEFAMER: You're up against Intervention, if I'm not mistaken.

KATHY: Which I would LOVE to be on. I'm trying to find just the right addiction. Right now all I have is hoarding. Like Delta Burke—she's a hoarder. But I feel that I can come up with just the right addiction, because I love the idea of all my relatives and friends coming together in one room and yelling at me together. You know, Janice Dickinson has this great story that apparently during her intervention, she was high, and she literally thought it was a party. For the entire intervention, she wasn't hearing them say, "OK, you need to get on the plane and go to rehab." And she was like, "WHOOO!!! Where we goin'? Party! Call Jagger!" I want mine to be like that, but, like, D-list, so I'm like, "WHOO! Where's Carrot Top? Where's Andy Dick? Let's goooo!"

DEFAMER: What do you anticipate will happen if you cross paths with Ryan Seacrest at this year's Emmys? He's nominated, and could even host again. So there's a good chance of that.

KATHY: Here's the deal. I'm going to shoot to kill. As you know, I have a hit out on LC from The Hills. And I feel that once I found out that that isn't illegal, then I'm now just taking hits out on several celebrities. And Ryan Seacrest is definitely in my crosshairs.

DEFAMER: He is?

KATHY: Yeah, of course.

DEFAMER: Remember the Poop On Ryan Seacrest's Walk of Fame Star Contest? A website put out a dare for people to send in photo evidence of them taking a dump on his square.

KATHY: And did they?

DEFAMER: I believe someone did.

KATHY: Ah, see, that's hilarious. I would be so thrilled if I had a star people pooped on.

DEFAMER: Why don't you have a star?

KATHY: I dunno. Gee. What a shock. Maybe for the same reason Bravo won't buy a billboard. You know why? 'Cause I'm not Padma. "Oooooooh! Padma is so wonderful. Padma Padma Padma! Ooh, she's thin and was married to Salman Rushdie." Well, I went out with Steve Wozniak. Who never had a fatwa, but still, people know him.

DEFAMER: We'll see how much Bravo loves Padma after Top Chef moves to the Food Network.

KATHY: That's my dream! To move to the Food Network. Don't say that—I want to be Paula Deen. She could buy and sell all of us.

DEFAMER: Can you cook?

KATHY: No. I just want to be Paula Deen. I'm not saying I have any talent. Paula Deen has her own airplane. How do you like that shit?

DEFAMER: You don't?

KATHY: Please. I'll see you on Southwest tomorrow. In the B group.

DEFAMER: Speaking of Woz, I think of all the Kathy Griffin storylines on Defamer, for some reason people connect to Woz the most.

KATHY: Gee, 'cause maybe they are online? I know. I was supposed to see Woz last week, and in fact the theater where I was going to perform was where I met him. The Saratoga Mountain Winery. Or as Star magazine calls it, "Saratoga, Florida." Which is, you know, his neck of the woods. But, no, we are definitely still buds.

DEFAMER: So what was the story there? Were you dating or not?

KATHY: The story was, we were frienemies.

DEFAMER: What was the "enemy" part of the equation?

KATHY: I guess we weren't frienemies, because we were never enemies. I was trying to liken myself to LC and...um...Whitney? Is Whitney on The Hills?

DEFAMER: I think LC and Audrina are the frienemies. But they hate each other now.

KATHY: Oh no! I love The Woz!

DEFAMER: Right. So there is no "enemy" part.

KATHY: Oh, okay. Well then we were...we were definitely...I'd say we were...I don't know what to call it.

DEFAMER: Did you ever make out?

KATHY: No.

DEFAMER: You never even made out?

KATHY: No. See—I can't really call it "dating."

DEFAMER: Did he put the moves on you?

KATHY: He didn't really put the moves on me. I mean, you have to ask him this. Because I am, you know, I am very protective of him and love him and I wouldn't want to say anything about him that would make him sound any less than the Wonderful Wizard of Woz that he is. Let's just say that we had much better chemistry as friends.

DEFAMER: You really do have great chemistry on the show. That Segway lesson was the cutest thing I've seen in ages.

KATHY: There's more Woz coming. I talked Bravo into doing an extra episode, so there's going to be 11 now. Because they overshoot the fuck out of the show.

DEFAMER: You guys should really have a whole spinoff with just the two of you.

KATHY: I don't even think he's aware he's on the show. He's so not in that world.

DEFAMER: The bear photoshoot was a classic.

KATHY: He didn't even know [what a bear was], or that he is a bear. I'm not even kidding. There's actually moments that didn't make the show that were really funny, where he was saying stuff like, "You know, if I fall in love with a man, I fall in love with a man. There's nothing wrong with that."

DEFAMER: Wow.

KATHY: Oh yeah. He's very forward-thinking, Woz. I mean, obviously.