Yes, dear reader, we have seen the circulating Craigslist ad requesting a Sarah Palin look-alike for "an adult film to be shot in the next 10 days." Assuming it's remotely legit, we sit here rueing our enduring exclusion from such opportunities ("$2000-3000... No anal required") and wondering what imaginative variety of flute the lucky new star might be playing in the week or two to come. But that's hardly the most exciting Palin-related development around town today; in fact, a tipster sends word of the kind of serendipity that make this town one sprawling miracle of chance. Or a deepening, shrieking vacuum of souls — you tell us after the jump:

If a Family Feud pollster approached you in the street and asked you to name which actress has had the most turbulent 2008 thus far, many of you would likely respond with Anne Hathaway. Heck, just in the last 24 hours, she's had to fend off a pesky line of questioning from David Letterman and a nasty bit of internet gossip about her behavior in the boudoir. Well, in the interest of helping her through this rough patch (and on the road to possible Oscar gold), our Intrepid Defamer Videographer™ Molly McAleer has a bit of advice for the former Mia Thermopolis. Catch it, along with this evening's To Do's, after the jump. Enjoy!· My Bloody Valentine at the Santa Monica Civic Auditorium. · Neil Diamond at the Hollywood Bowl. · Can You Rock It Like This? at the House of Blues.

Couples We Never Knew Existed: From the Philadelphia Daily News comes an announcement that It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia costars Rob McElhenney and Kaitlin Olson were married this past Saturday in Malibu. Mac and Sweet Dee — who'da thunk it? We wish the couple a long, happy, politically incorrect marriage. [Philadelphia Daily News]

You really can't make this stuff up: If it's not the developmentally disabled failing to grasp the point of Tropic Thunder's "full-retard" satire, then it's the blind protesting a movie they can't even see. Or so says the president of the National Federation of the Blind, who sat in on a recent screening of the Julianne Moore/Mark Ruffalo film Blindness with a few sighted allies, only to emerge outraged over the depiction of townspeople reduced to madness and violence when struck by a blindness epidemic. Based on Nobel laureate Jose Saramago's novel, the film actually reflects the author's metaphor of sudden, corrupted social order; little did Saramago know he was actually composing the Simple Jack of modern literary allegories. We mean it! Take back his Nobel Prize! And boycott Blindness, while you're at it; that's the least you could do for a guy with grievances (after the jump) like NFB boss Marc Maurer's:

After the landmark ratings success that was the 2008 Summer Olympics, NBC was anxious to capitalize on the momentum they had built leading into the fall. However, despite all that promotional exposure, Beijing Ben and the NBC team haven't yet been able to convert in the ratings department: Knight Rider tanked, Chuck and Life both saw their ratings dip from their 2007 premieres and The Office could only muster a third-place finish in its lovey dovey season premiere last week. However, there is a bright spot; the network has gotten big bumps in both the awareness and ratings department thanks to the white-hot star power of homegrown talent Tina Fey. While fans will have to wait until the end of the month for 30 Rock to return to the air, NBC has been satiating America's desire to see its new Emmy sweetheart by repeatedly trotting her out during its late night lineup. She has appeared as Sarah Palin on SNL not once but twice and, last night, she made a cameo appearance along with Julia Louis-Dreyfus in a bit that can only be described as the ying to Ricky Gervais' and Steve Carell's faux Emmy duel yang. Watch NBC's clear cut MVP hitting another one out of the park after the jump.

Click to viewBoomp3.com At a press conference announcing the start of physical production on Sherlock Holmes, Robert Downey Jr. tried his best to get his co-star Rachel McAdams to crack a smile. Downey asked McAdams about the itsy bitsy spider’s journey down the waterspout and how the rain lightly came down on her arm, but still no smile. Not even a smirk. Then Downey Jr. started to softly sing a Beyonce song, but the Mean Girls star remained tight-lipped. As Downey began to search the deep recesses of his mind, he pulled out a fairly recent chestnut. Downey cleared his throat as his face twitched slightly then tilted his head to the side and asked, “Are you going to full retard with your performance? Or half retard?” McAdams’ smile appeared like a rainbow after heavy rainfall and Downey breathed a major sigh of relief. [Photo Credit: Getty Images] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

In the annals of celebrity feuds, we tend to prefer the light-hearted frivolity of a Seth Green/Shia LeBeouf dustup to the knock-down, "no one gets away unscathed" fights like Alec Baldwin on Greg Garcia. That's why we're so stymied by the latest and most unlikely entry in the feud genre: the war of words between Shaun of the Dead star Simon Pegg and Ricky Gervais, the Emmy-honored creator of Extras and The Office. So far, the battle (instigated by Pegg's mouthy appearance on a British radio show) is one-sided, but we fear a rebuttal from Gervais could embroil both talented comedians in a zero-sum rivalry. The Telegraph has the scoop:

As if Anne Hathaway didn't have enough to contend with this week while facing her Rachel Getting Married press grind and her debunked predilection for... well, you know, the beleaguered actress joined David Letterman on Tuesday to sift through the detritus of her doomed relationship with Raffaello Follieri. In apparent exchange for omitting those rumors from his intimate line of questioning, however, pretty much every other subject was fair game. And to her credit, Hathaway played along even livelier than you'd expect a woman getting the third degree over an ex who's just about start a five-year term in federal prison. And, praise God, she reclaimed her dog! Screw Mickey Rourke, seriously — this is a comeback story for the ages, and just about all the happy ending we can stand. [The Late Show]

When video of a swimsuit-clad Sarah Palin at the 1984 Miss Alaska contest hit the web last week, the YouTube uploader promised more goodies to come, including Palin's talent competition entry. Now, finally, it is here: Sarah Palin (née Heath), "accomplished flautist," tooting "The Homecoming" by Nathan Hardy on one doozy of a flute (which she then had fired). Can Palin whip out a piccolo at tomorrow's vice presidential debate to steal some of Joe Biden's foreign policy thunder? Tina Fey, you'd better start practicing. [HuffPo]

Though Ellen DeGeneres still hasn't announced a major donation to the campaign to fight California's homophobic Proposition 8 (despite hosting a fundraiser for the animal rights-friendly Proposition 2), she at least denounced the proposition last night while guesting on The Tonight Show with Jay Leno. Even Leno himself got into the act by spreading a queer-friendly message of tolerance — one he no doubt hoped would erase memories of the time he badgered Ryan Phillippe to give the camera his "gayest look." Noting to DeGeneres that he spends a lot of time in West Hollywood, a surprised Leno called it, "the nicest area, the cleanest area, the safest area!" Is it the most "articulate" area, too, Jay? [The Tonight Show]

After picking up its hardware in Venice and a distribution deal in Toronto, Mickey Rourke's comeback The Wrestler screened for the first time in the United States this morning in New York. We crashed the joint, and we can confirm that everything you've heard about Rourke's Oscar future is essentially on the nose: He'll nab a Best Actor nomination for his performance as Randy "The Ram" Robinson, a 40-something pro wrestler on the downswing with pretty everything in his life including his relationship with his daughter (Evan Rachel Wood), his hang-ups with a stripper (Marisa Tomei) and his own tormented perspective on aging. That said, it's sort of a marvel of accessibility and not nearly the downer we expected from feel-bad master Darren Aronofsky; after the nihilist pageantry of last year's There Will Be Blood, the Academy will eat this up come February. Moreover, the voters he hasn't alienated over the years will crawl over each other to be a part of Rourke's comeback story. Fox Searchlight is packaging it as we speak, and Rourke himself was candidly — maybe too candidly — selling its prototype at a press conference following today's screening."I mean, if I knew it would take me 15 years to get back in the saddle and work again because of the way I handled things, I really would have handled things differently," he told the crowd. "I just didn't have the tools. I'm doing things differently this time around — understanding what it is to be a professional, be responsible and to be consistent. Those are things that weren't in my vocabulary back then. Change for me didn't come easy; I didn't wanna change until I lost everything until I realized that you better change, or, you know, blow your fucking brains out. Either you change and go on with life, or you're just a piece of shit. "Everything I felt was that I would be weak — that it was a weakness to change, for the armor that I put on my whole life. I was too proud to change, because my strength at the time was a weakness. I'm all right with it now, and yeah, it took me 15, 16, 17 years out of the game. But it's really nice, because I get to come back and work with these people here." He gestured to his left, where Aronofsky, Tomei and co-producer Scott Franklin were seated alongside him at the dais. They're probably short-listers, too, along with screenwriter Robert Siegel, likely the first Onion alumnus to be considered for an Academy Award. Really, that's the story we can't wait to write, but we'll take this in the meantime.

Like Bigfoot, the legend surrounding Britney Spears's sex tape is one that refuses to go away, no matter how terrifying it might be to eventually lay eyes on the real thing. Also, much like Bigfoot, recent news that appeared to finally confirm its existence may have been dashed, as the sex tape's supposed peddler, paparazzo ex-boyfriend Adnan Ghalib, is claiming that no such thing exists. First Anne Hathaway, now Britney — is any celebrity sex rumor safe? Said an angry Ghalib to Star:

· Jack Black will soon reunite with the writers of Kung Fu Panda, teaming up on an untitled comedy about a man who wakes up sans memory on Cuban shores only to deduce he's a superspy. Yuks, partial nudity and Bourne-franchise comparisons ensue. [THR] · If you are the least bit sleepy, we recommend skipping to the jump. Ready? OK: SAG is expected today to approve a measure requesting a strike vote, most likely sometime after the new board is seated later this month. We warned you, didn't we? Wake up! [THR] After the jump: Mamma Mia! conquers yet another country, George Lucas goes director shopping, and Michael Sheen goes to Wonderland.· After months of controversy over how George Lucas might integrate a jive-talking Hutt sibling into Red Tails, his film about the Tuskegee Airmen, the world sighed with relief as the producer handed off the directing reins to the more modest ex-Wire and CSI helmer Anthony Hemingway. [THR] · Psst! Hey buddy — wanna buy a lion? Or, like, part of a lion? [Variety] · In its fourth week of release in Korea, Mamma Mia! dispatched a native hit to overtake the top box-office spot, nudging its ABBA Global Conquest™ war chest over $450 million to date. [Variety] · Biopic veteran Michael Sheen is joining the casts of both the Samuel L. Jackson thriller Unthinkable and Tim Burton's Alice in Wonderland, prompting observers around Hollywood to wonder what tony British cultural figure might be hastily written in to do acid with Johnny Depp. [Variety]

Stop Us If You Think That You've Heard This One Before: We're all outta Valkyrie jokes at this point, but it is our civic duty to relay to you that the MGM building has been evacuated this morning due to a bomb threat. As you'll no doubt recall, this same thing happened last Friday and also in early August. And for those of you keeping score at home, the storied Constellation Blvd. office building has also suffered anthrax threats and an unprovoked attack of killer bees in the last two months. If you want more information, we have the email sent out to employees after the jump.——————

When we first heard about Heather Locklear's weekend arrest for driving under the influence of a controlled substance, we were most interested in the curious detail of the sunglasses she repeatedly ran over. Turns out, the entire case is full of curious details, and here's the biggest one: the witness who placed the call to 911 is a former Us Weekly staffer who's under investigation by the FBI for hacking into the magazine's computer system to locate celebrities. Oh, and she called the paparazzi immediately after her 911 call. Oh, and she also just happens to have a lucrative partnership with Locklear rival Denise Richards! Details and her kooky 911 call, after the jump:Jossip has the goods on the ex-Us staffer, Jill Ishkanian, who had left the magazine (which she then sued) to start a paparazzi agency called Sunset Photo & News (where she was embezzled from).

Click to viewBoomp3.com Basking in the radiant glow of the Mexican sun, gal pals Lindsay Lohan and Samantha Ronson enjoyed some popsicles while on vacation. Ronson had to instruct Lohan on the proper way to enjoy the frozen treat; it had been a long time since the Herbie: Fully Loaded star had enjoyed one. Although, Lohan picked up the proper technique in no time and was going to town on that popsicle like a pro. A near by guest relations’ assistant nearly passed out from what he called, ‘the awesomeness of that boner party,’ but expressed a fear of the toned twosome being stung by the rogue jellyfish in the middle of the beach. [Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Who would Homer Simpson vote for? It's a question pundits across America (or at least a couple of them) have spent part of 2008 attempting to answer, particularly after the failed grassroots effort to mobilize his third-party presidential candidacy for November. (It came down to his support of nuclear energy, or Marge not wanting to exploit Maggie... rumors abound). But in an excerpt we found from The Simpsons episode slated for Nov. 2, the all-important Simpson endorsement is finally revealed — better late than never for one candidate, if not quite beneficial to Homer himself. We suppose that in addition to Ohio's little-known secession from the US, the lesson here is that voting is a contact sport, and not an especially fair one. But like so many things in the world, it could have been worse; when the chips are down, those Diebold voting machines have nothing on an armed Sarah Palin. [YouTube]

Click to viewBoomp3.com Ms. Betty Suarez herself AKA America Ferrera continued to haunt and torment her Sisterhood Of The Traveling Pants co-star Blake Lively during a Gossip Girl shoot in Times Square on Tuesday morning. Lively thought that Ferrera’s gigantic eyes were rolling each time she spoke and was unable to concentrate on the scene. A crafty collective of interns and production assistants concocted an elaborate stack of apple boxes, c-stands and light reflector boards to block the nerve-racking billboard. [Photo Credit: Splash Pic] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Recently Videogum did a little deep dive into the world of viral videos, and came back with some interesting findings. It seems that 2006 was the peak year for dumb mashups, terrible singers, heartwarming lion hugs, and all manner of other popular YouTube crap (basically all those people that got killed on that one episode of South Park). So what's happened since then? Where have all the virals gone? Well, we think they're kinda dead, and after the jump we'll tell you why.

· As repurposed porn goes, the accompanying video is perfectly suitable for work. But we still don't think we'd chance your boss seeing how one of its stars plays animated maracas. We're just saying. [Diesel] · If IMAX has in fact jumped the shark, Michael Bay will make it the most awesome fucking shark-jumping you have ever seen. [Movie City Indie] · OMGZ first pictures of the farmhouse where Tarantino's gonna shoot Inglorious Baszzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz [Tarantino Archives] · Word of the day: "Australiagasm." We've never had one ourselves. [The Film Experience] · Critics may be lapping up awards-season fare, but frankly, we've been in the mood for "a better kind of suck." And... eureka. [AICN] · If you can't decide which of the eight versions of the new Iron Man DVD you'd prefer, someone's done your homework for you. [Hollywood Newsroom]