Here at Defamer, we have a well-documenter love of salty old battle axes (hi, Cloris Leachman!) so props must be paid when one goes above and beyond the call of duty in providing us with entertainment. This week's recipient of our wizened love is Hollywood veteran Lauren Bacall, who adds a much-needed dash of (blue) color to Elle's upcoming profile of Nicole Kidman. While the Botoxed beauty is in a magnanimous mood, acknowledging her pleasure that ex Tom Cruise has found a "more profound" love with Katie Holmes, Kidman's former costar Bacall isn't one to mince words, and she jumps in to call Cruise a "maniac":

Click to viewBoomp3.com At the New York Film Festival, a group of scientists seized upon the opportunity to finally ask the question: Is Angelina Jolie the sexiest woman on the planet? The collective closely examined the speciman in her natural environment, the Gotham premiere of her latest film, Changeling. After much deliberation, the scientists concluded that she is in fact, the sexiest woman alive. Dr. Myers, the lead scientist for the study said, “I mean, it’s all there. The eyes, the lips, etc. All arguments and bets can be settled, science has officially declared Angelina Jolie to be super bangin’.” [Photo Credit: Bauer-Griffin] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Appearing in the flesh on Saturday Night Live is a time-honored ritual for many political names, including the three biggest of this past election cycle: Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton have both put in cold opening cameos, while John McCain actually hosted SNL in 2002. Still, for all the mileage that the show has wrung out of Sarah Palin's vice presidential candidacy, Palin herself has yet to appear on the show — though according to the Chicago Sun Times, that may change very soon. In fact, sources in the McCain camp say that they have a very specific idea in mind to help Palin avenge herself upon the fired, lifeless body of her nemesis, Tina Fey:

· Jimmy Kimmel will return to host his fifth American Music Awards in November; confirmed musical guests include Pink and the Jonas Brothers, who will honor the institution with a Grobanesque medley of songs by influential winners like Kris Kross, New Kids on the Block, Kool and the Gang and many others. [AP] · HBO just picked up Entourage for a sixth season, thus ensuring at least two more years of Emmy retribution against host-bashing awards perennial Jeremy Piven. [THR] After the jump: Michael Douglas has a party, Woody Harrelson has a complex, and Bull Durham plots a return by Costner demand.· Eighteen years after giving the hardware to his father, the American Film Instutute selected Michael Douglas to receive next year's Lifetime Achievement Award. [BBC] · Kat Dennings is in talks to co-star in Defendor, featuring Woody Harrelson as a man who believes he possesses superhero powers and Dennings as the ADD-afflicted, poor-spelling neighbor girl who gives him his name. [THR] · Kevin Costner, Tim Robbins and Susan Sarandon are all reportedly in talks to return for Bull Durham 2: The Beer League Years. [Page Six] · Crisis averted! After less than a day of protests, Bollywood's dancing girls and nearly 100,000 other actors, filmmakers and crew concluded their big-budget production Kuchi Kuchi Pay Us Bitches in record time. [NYT]

Hard times got you down? Well don't expect the weekend's box office numbers to cheer you up any: 1. Beverly Hills Chihuahua - $29 million Since we first glimpsed its trailer—a jaw-dropping depiction of 45,000 CGI chihuahuas line-kicking to a song about burrito condiments on the steps of a Mayan ruin—we've made little secret of our obsession with this movie. Sadly, a painful ingrown toenail prevented us (yes—all of us; when one hurts, the others feel it just as deeply) from actually paying to see it. Enough did, however, to earn Disney its highest-ever October opening. They were mostly struggling American families, looking in this canine rags-to-riches story for a distraction from their growing financial woes, like Little Orphan Annie offered during the Great Depression. Unfortunately, the plan largely backfired, as all hungry audiences could see in place of the film's adorable Mexican lapdogs were delicious, charcoal-broiled rotisserie chihuahuas floating across the screen.2. Eagle Eye - $17.7 million Meanwhile, this hi-tech thriller starring Shia LaBeouf (in his last pinkie-nail-intact role) continued to draw them in, in which he and Katie Holmes's MI3 stand-in play two strangers taunted mercilessly by That Lady Who Offers Voicemail Options. 3. Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist - $12 million We had high hopes based on the cleverly culled clips used in the commercial, but came away extremely disappointed, as just about everything in this movie—from the queer band members cast by obviously straight dudes, to the CW-caliber dialogue, to the most disgusting sequence we've ever endured involving a wad of chewing gum—came off as just plain wrong. (With the exception of Michael Cera, who emerged unscathed using his mutant superpower of being insanely cute.) 4. Nights in Rodanthe - $7.355 million While we're not ones for Hallmark porn, we're confident that Richard Gere has achieved in Rodanthe yet another heart-shaped turd to toss onto his ever-growing shmalzography pile. 9. An American Carol - $3.810 million 10. Religulous - $3.5 million Bill Maher's amazing voyage inside the heart of bible-thumping America performed strongly, earning around the same as what David Zucker's execrable An American Carol—a profoundly unfunny satire paradoxically geared to an audience born without satire-detection capacities—managed on three-times the screens.

Do you recall the Great Keening of September 24, as if a million Claymates cried out at once, and then were silenced? That was the dark day that American Idol alum Clay Aiken broke the devastating news that he was, in fact, a "gay," sending his dumbstruck fans into a tailspin (as NClayolina memorably put it, "I will never be able to listen to him sing, 'O Holy Night,' knowing he desires unholy nights"). Now, as the tears on so many Garfield pillowcases begin to dry, Aiken has finally blogged to his fans about the revelation, and instead of self-flagellating, he has one polite message for the Claymates: "Deal with it."

Hello, everybody! Defamer editor Seth Abramovitch here, back from what was supposed to be some much-needed rest and relaxation. (I'll spare you the details, except to say that while an all-male Alaskan cruise had initially sounded like a good idea, the hovering helicopters and hockey-mom sniper fire put a considerable damper on proceedings.) Sadly, what I returned to was not the same beloved blogspot I left behind: Our dark leader, Lord of the Nazgûl Nick Denton, had swept in on his fell beast and smote three brave members of the Defamer fellowship. Much distress and confusion ensued. I'll now try, to the best of my ability, to clear up exactly what these changes mean for you.Firstly, we lost our fearless leader Mark Graham—whom we lovingly referred to as "Den Mama" and "King Pookie," in addition to his official alias, "Uncle Grambo." Mark took on an intimidating job and performed it admirably, injecting the site with fresh ideas and energy. As such he will be missed. But fret not, as he is indubitably on to bigger and better things. (We understand he's already in talks to swoop in and fill the charitable-grocery void left by the recent death of an American acting legend, with a planned "Grambo's Own" line of salad dressings and lemonade.) Another wonderful thing lost: Defamer video editrix, To Do anchorperson, and the closest thing we have to a mascot around here, Molly McAleer. This was rough, as we loved Molly like the sister we never had. True, we have two sisters, but neither of them is anything like Molly. The good news is that she is with us for two more weeks—plenty of time for a few more Hostess snack-cake bingings and bike-by clownings for the road. When she becomes famous (TV famous, not just internet famous), we'll be proud to say her launching pad was right here. Her chihuahua sidekick Wagandstuff, meanwhile, is already on his way, having been booked for the upcoming season of Celebrity Apprentice. Go get 'em, Wags! Everyone's favorite moment-of-zen-inducer Douglas Reinhardt was our final casualty. His mastery of the art of photo-captioning was regularly on display in our recurring feature, A Call to the Bullpen. The good news is he'll be with us for the next two weeks as well—and maybe even longer, if we can convince him to work for worthless Gawker Media stock. So where does that leave us? Well, for starters, I'm still here. So is our crack senior editor S.T. VanAirsdale, and our latest proud addition, associate editor Kyle Buchanan. Sure, we're a little down over the loss of our friends, but we're fully committed to sustaining the constant output of Hollywood headlines, scurrilous gossip, and general nonsense that has come to define the Defamer brand. So stick around! You might just wind up having fun. Seth

· RIP Paul Newman, dead at 83. Remember him fondly here. · One press release, a "leaked" e-mail and an ill-conceived $1 million bet later, Harvey Weinstein and Scott Rudin settled their Reader kerfuffle. · Rest assured that when Heather Locklear finally tells her story about that crazy night in lock-up, it won't be to US Weekly. · This week in speedy recoveries: Travis Barker went home, DJ AM went out. · Anne Hathaway may not be game for anal sex, but she's up for David Letterman's BDSM any night of the week. · Wrestler Oscar-hopeful Mickey Rourke had a resolutely healthy perspective on his comeback: "You change, or you blow your fucking brains out." Amazing! That's just what our therapist told us! · We heard the four most dreaded words since "Verne Troyer sex tape": "Britney Spears sex tape." Meet the director if you must. · Ricky Gervais may or may not be a "fat idiot," but in any case remember: It's glandular, you cunt. · Fireworks on The View were brought to you this week by Bill Maher, Barbara Walters and, naturally, Elisabeth Hasselbeck. Twice. · You are cordially invited to the grand opening of Tyler Perry Studios this weekend in Atlanta — black tie and picket sign required. · Sharon Stone's maternal instincts were proven to be about as sharp as a Botox needle. · Mad Men and Pushing Daisies would be happy to trade in their Emmys for few million more viewers. · Speaking of Emmys, Survivor is already a front runner to nab next year's first-ever prize for Outstanding Performance by a Penis in a Reality Competition Show. · Joe Biden may be bitter about SNL's ongoing snub, but perhaps there's consolation in Homer Simpson's support.

Jennifer Love Hewitt found headlines last winter when unflattering paparazzi photos prompted her to cry, "To all girls with butts, boobs, hips and a waist, put on a bikini—put it on and stay strong." Sadly, it appeared that Hewitt then took advice from 30 Rock's Jack Donaghy ("She needs to lose thirty pounds or gain fifty. In between has no place in television"), for she re-emerged sharing her weight loss secrets on the cover of Us Weekly two months ago. Now, Hewitt tells TV Guide that the mixed message was just one innocent misunderstanding:

You Betcha! Sarah Palin isn't simply ratings gold when Tina Fey is playing her. The vice presidential debate last night was the most-watched VP matchup ever, even surpassing by 33% the Obama/McCain debate from last week. According to THR, 69,989,000 viewers tuned in, which makes it the biggest debate audience since 1992, when Bill Clinton, George Bush, and Ross Perot all faced off. Palin has since had all three men fired. [THR]

Well, as you may have read elsewhere, today is my last day as a Defamer. Your Uncle Grambo isn't really the commiserating type, so I'm going to keep this tidy. I'd like to thank everyone on the immediate team during my stay — Mark, Seth, Molls, Molly, Douglas, Stu, Kyle, Nick and Tricia — for contributing their blood, sweat and tears (but mostly their tears) to making Defamer such a smart, savage and essential read for hundreds of thousands of pop culture enthusiasts each and every weekday. I'd like to thank the Dark Lord Denton for letting me take the reins of the site, and I'd also like to thank you, the loyal Defamer reader, for picking up what we've been throwing down for the last nine months and change. When I agreed to join the team last December, my primary charge was to give the site a booster shot of energy and enthusiasm. And if the readership numbers are any indication, it looks like we successfully accomplished that mission. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm late for an appointment to Diving Bell the Butterfly out of some hotties at the club. Until next time, au revoir!

Click to viewBoomp3.com Leaving his Manhattan apartment, Tom Cruise claimed that his edgy and stylized haircut was not the result of months of focus group testing, but rather the result of sleeping on the wrong side of the bed last night. Cruise said, “The MGM research department did not meet with my hair squad to create a haircut to maintain popular internet buzz amongst gamers and bloggers. It’s windy and a bit cold this afternoon.” Cruise also mentioned that he might have used a bit too much hair gel before leaving his apartment. Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Just as British funnymen Ricky Gervais and Simon Pegg have resolved to patch up their "fat idiot" feud, along come Sarah Silverman and Jackie Mason to fill the void with their own bit of culturally specific warring. Perhaps you'll recall Silverman's recent video for thegreatschlep.com, an organization designed to coax young, Jewish Obama supporters to travel to Florida and convince their grandparents to vote Democrat. Creaky comic Mason is not a fan of this idea (to put it mildly) and in an ad paid for by a Jewish Republicans group, he tears into both Obama and Silverman, calling the latter a "sick yenta." Careful, Jackie — if Silverman can handle talking shit about her ex-boyfriend Jimmy Kimmel, she's not going to be daunted by your dated patter. Both videos, after the jump:

In honor of our fleet of clever first-responders, we're happy to announce one long-overdue feature new to Defamer: Comments of the Week! Every Friday, we'll shine a spotlight on five of our favorite contributions from the commenter braintrust. Here's our inaugural batch of winners:

Click to viewBoomp3.com Before embarking on a shopping extravaganza at the trendy Fred Segal, Kate Beckinsale paused for a moment to check in with her shadow. It had been quite some time since the Snow Angels star checked in with her shadow, but it was nowhere to be found. Beckinsale thought that she may have lost her shadow since she played a vampire in the wildly popular Underworld films. Then an imaginative and wild child hopped by and shouted, “Uh oh! I almost stepped on your shadow, ma’am.” A excited Beckinsale whipped her head around and asked the girl where she saw the shadow. The girl pointed to the wall and said, “It’s right there, you big silly.” A reassured Beckinsale hugged the girl tightly and whispered thank you into her ear. Photo Credit: WENN] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

It would be too easy to say that Harrison Ford hit the Crystal Head Vodka a little hard before today's interview at the LA Times; how else to explain his eagerness to jump aboard Indiana Jones 5 so soon after the franchise's fourth installment? He's 66! George Lucas can't settle on a script! And Shia still has months of recovery ahead for his pinkie and balls. All signs but the dollar say "stop," but that's all the actor apparently needed to wax fantastic about the potential pouring forth everywhere from the box office to cereal aisles:

It's a Bad Thing: Buried deep into HuffPo founder Arianna Huffington's blog entry about last night's debate is the response everyone wants, that of domestic doyenne Martha Stewart. "The home-spun homilies [Sarah Palin uses] have to go," Stewart sniffed to Huffington. "And, oh my god, words do have ending consonants." [HuffPo]

Though Hills stars Lauren Conrad and Audrina Patridge recently patched up their fractured friendship under the warm, nurturing eye of multiple video cameras, a brand-new rumor has both girls on the outs yet again. Says E!:

Having already given up any hope of Jessica Alba and Hayden Panitierre's muzzled tryst persuading young people to get out the vote, Leonardo DiCaprio's Appian Way Productions this week corralled an ensemble including Natalie Portman, Ashton Kutcher, Forest Whitaker, Dustin Hoffman, Halle Berry and scads of others to keep up the fight via reverse psychology. "Don't vote," they implore to America's youth, none more so than Jonah Hill, whose exhortations "The economy's in the toilet. Who gives a shit? I don't care — I've got so much money" and "I've never fought a war on drugs; I've never done shit on drugs besides played Halo 2" have stirred nearly 300,000 viewers since yesterday. We pass it along to you (after the jump) as a public service of our own whether you've already heard the message or plan to vote or not, if only because it never gets old hearing Hill share such intimate ideology. Particularly the part about his 19 kids — who knew? [YouTube]

Believe us, there were plenty of signs around the office today keeping it real about the country's current financial situation. But pound-for-pound, little else has brought it home quite the way Arnold Schwarzenegger has, with the governor actually sending a letter yesterday to Treasury Secretary Hank Paulson asking for $7 billion to cover California's "short-term expenses." In other words, the man who built his political career on the backs of unkillable icons from the Terminator to Conan to Mr. Freeze the freaking Running Man is pacing the halls of the Capitol wondering how he'll pay almost 300,000 teachers: