Britney Spears was nowhere to be seen on the first day of her trial for driving without a license, a charge stemming from her decision to flee that haunted Petco parking lot where she struck a car in August 2007. With the hit-and-run allegations settled, however, and both her lawyer and the district attorney in agreement that her addled ass was behind the wheel, a jury will be left to decide Britney's fate in the bitter license battle. "A jury," you ask? Indeed: The Britney Spears License Trial actually has a jury of her peers, opening statements, potential jail time — all that criminal stuff that threatens to derail her lobby-waitress comeback before it even really began. But will she ever deign to drop in to testify in her own defense?In a word, no. At least that's the impression of her lawyer, J. Michael Flanagan, who asserted in today's opening arguments that Britney was exempt from holding a California license at the time of the collision. His client, he said, was a Louisiana resident with a valid license, home, and voter registration record in that state. Not good enough, replied Los Angeles deputy city attorney Michael Amerian, who called a DMV investigator who testified that the pop star didn't apply for a license until more than a week after the incident. So someone is lying, and if anyone can suss the truth, it's the jury of eight women and four men who were chosen this morning. And though our in-house legal analysts expect Britney to walk, the selection process portended a turbulent path to justice:

The Daily Show's Rob Corddry created a new web series for TheWB.com (it lives! Online! So there, The CW) called Children's Hospital. We find it hard to believe they're actually producing this thing, but we've been assured by reps from Warners' online arm Studio 2.0 that about a dozen episodes are on the way. Based on the trailer above—packed with an impressively pedigreed cast including The State's Ken Marino and David Wain, Jason Sudeikis, Ed Helms and Megan Mullally—this thing might actually be worth sneaking in before lunch while your boss isn't looking.After all, any project that manages to squeeze the two lines "50 kids! Badly injured! Broken bones! Some of them retarded, and they're coming here!" and a "I'm challenging you to a Healing Power of Laughter-Off" into one 90-second trailer is worth a shot. And premiering the show on the web provides the added benefit of giving representatives from the American Association of People with Disabilities no specific geographic location at which to stage their angry, R-word protests.

Sometimes, British news is tardy coming across the pond, and other times it simply takes us a little while to collect our composure after crushing disappointment. In this case, it's a little of both, as our longtime crush Helen Mirren has publicly returned the affections of a man who is neither her husband, Taylor Hackford, nor the chiaroscuro possessor of a raised eyebrow that is the mascot of our humble blogspot. No, instead she has fallen under the charms of noted ladykiller and purity ring-eschewer Russell Brand, and this can mean only one thing: trouble.Brand, who will soon be co-starring with Mirren in The Tempest, kicked off the flirtation in the Daily Mail:

Leave those volcano comedy storyboards until tomorrow, as you'll be burning the midnight oil watching an awkward armistice in the McCain/Letterman War of '08. WATCH Late Show with David Letterman [11:30 pm, CBS] - What elevates the big Senator John McCain show above TiVo is the 20 minutes before the interview when Letterman will revisit every single event that has transpired since McCain's cancellation and the segment immediately following the interview that will begin with a zinger Letterman's been crafting for weeks. You'll want to be the guy/gal at work telling everyone to go to Defamer and check out the vid.

Click to viewBoomp3.com Making her way to work, Katie Holmes was questioned by a group of local children if Holmes’ daughter, Suri, was available that afternoon. Holmes said that her daughter was off cruising the various solar systems in a brand new shiny space ship. The children told Holmes that she didn’t have to lie about her daughter taking a nap. Holmes nervously laughed for a moment and said, “Yeah, right. She’s taking a nap. She’s just probably dreaming about adventures in a galaxy not that far away or electric sheep.” [Photo Credit: INF Daily] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

A Slow Burn. Time now to check in on how those pesky, protracted SAG talks are going. Hey, News Corp. president Peter Chernin—what's the latest? He told a conference in New York today that talks are going "horribly," and a strike would be "devastating to the creative community...I think it's genuinely foolhardy to think this is an appropriate time for actors to go out on strike." We doubt union blowhard Alan Rosenberg is going to sit idly for long. Look for the the remainder of the SAG strike campaign funds to be blown on a skywriting campaign announcing "CHERNIN CAN SUCK ME" above Fox headquarters [TV Week]

Word has it that the Cormac McCarthy adaptation The Road is soon to land on the Weinstein Company shelf, thus vanquishing 1/3 of Viggo Mortensen's 2008 Oscar dream and reviving rumors of TWC's solvency a mere day after Harvey flaked out on a Midtown crowd that couldn't wait to hear his plans for pulling a 2009 release slate out of his hat. At the least, the post-apocalyptic drama — once expected by Nov. 14 — was moved back to December shortly after the Weinsteins reclaimed the distribution duties from MGM, it still faces hassles with the Scott Rudin-less The Reader, and one blogger writes today of his test screening of a film isn't even close to finished (spoilers follow):

Hugh Hefner is currently undergoing a transformation that bears all the signs of a late-life crisis; after all, he's traded in his young, blond, nubile girlfriends for younger, blonder, face-kicking twins. Sadly, despite the fact that Hef's new girlfriends are still teenaged, he's still not much for children, and ex-Girl Next Door Holly Madison says that it was her fruitless attempts to bear Hef's spawn that forced her to finally pack her frilly underthings and depart Holmby Hills:

Tragedy Averted! We Think! New reports from Reuters quote a statement from Stevie Wonder denying his house was among those burned in the deadly Sesnon wildfire. "I'm grateful to say that my house was not burned down in the fire," Wonder said. "I extend my sympathies to anyone who may have been touched by this horrendous event." Thank you, Stevie; it means a lot to us. Nick Nolte's home, alas, remains destroyed. [Reuters]

On last night's first all-girl-powered (no, the Season One trio of Jay McCarroll, Kara Saun, and Wendy Pepper didn't count) Project Runway finale, contestants Korto, Leanne, and the vociferous Kenley duked it out for ultimate Bryant Park tent supremacy. The spoils would ultimately fall to low-key Nerd We'd Like to Play Frisbee With, Leanne, and her pleat-orgy collection of flappywear. (As the judges noted, she was the only one who offered a unified vision that incorporated both form and function: Every skirt offered a minimum of 40 of places to hide your wallet!)Still, it's Kenley who we found to be the most compelling character study of all—even more than The Licious Guy and Jor-El, whom we had taken to calling Black Gay Superman. Watch as she breaks down in her final plea to the jury, green satin butterflies bobbing spastically over her bangs as she offers a tearful soliloquy on hopes and dreams in her dulcet, kettle whistle tones. Farewell, Heidi! Farewell, Michael and Nina! Farewell, Bluefly Accessories Wall! Farewell, Bravo! Gunn/Zoe '12!

Republican hearts raced this morning as conservative pin-up girl Elisabeth Hasselbeck told the audience of The View that she'd be showing off what she wears to bed every night. Would it be an oversized McCain/Palin '08 tee? A frilly nightgown from the Fox News gift shop? Or maybe even a fetching blue two-piece?None of the above! Instead, Hasselbeck settles in for a nice late-night viewing of On the Record with Greta Van Susteren wearing a clashing mix of baggy, patterned separates. Now, sadly, she must burn them, as her husband's recent laser eye surgery has rendered him suddenly aware of Elisabeth's retina-scorching ensemble. Worse than his reaction, though, is the disapproval from a scandalized Barbara Walters, who drops a few hints about what naughty things she might wear to bed. Barbara, that Victoria's Secret chantilly lace slip was meant for Ellen's eyes only!

The radioactivity of Madonna and Guy Ritchie's combustion has settled nicely around our culture since Wednesday, yielding glowing little piles of second-guesses, third-guesses and other detritus helping us make sense of the biggest matrimonial disaster of the year. Here to help you with your wasteland exploration, Defamer's Biohazard Squad suited up this morning to map the terrain; their findings are after the jump.· Madge's first concert after the announcement went off as planned in Boston, where the singer introduced her number "Miles Away" with the loving dedication, "This song is for the emotionally retarded. Maybe you know some people who fall into that category. God knows I do." Many experts linked the comment to her soon-to-be-ex-husband, but in any case, the other 11,000 emotionally retarded fans in attendance whooped with appreciation at the shout-out. · Or maybe Madonna intended the dig for her lying flack Liz Rosenberg, who's one Oprah ban away from officially joining the Pop-Culture Pariah Hall of Fame after drawing censure from both Page Six and People Magazine in the same day.

It's been a rough year for the Duchovny-Leonis, what with David's well-publicized trip to sex rehab, the general public's crushing indifference to a way-too-late X-Files movie, and the sad lack of bangable extras at the recent Czechoslovakian street fair in Manhattan. Few were surprised when the patient Tea Leoni announced her separation from Duchovny yesterday, but now the Daily Mail is claiming Duchovny instigated the breakup because Leoni was cheating — with Billy Bob Thornton:

· Steve Carell is attached to play the "bravest," "dumbest" soldier in Napoleon's army in The Adventures of Brigadier Gerard. History buffs, we're sorry to tell you this comedy is coming from the guys who wrote Blades of Glory. [Variety] · Fox has signed a seven-figure deal with Will Arnett, which includes the development of a new sitcom. We'd gladly pop a fistfull of forget-me-nows if it means moving past our Arrested Development grieving and starting afresh with Gob: Master of Illusion. [Variety] · Paramount is reducing its 2009 slate from 25 to 20 releases in an "effort to make the company leaner and more efficient." They'll achieve this through the relatively painless decision to stop planned back-to-back production on Love Gurus 2 through 6. [Variety] After the jump: What sacred fanboy graphic text is Tom Cruise circling hungrily?· Warners has hired "rookie" screenwriter Brad Ingelsby to adapt DC's graphic novel Sleeper for the screen. Tom Cruise has "shown interest" in the material in the only way he knows how—inviting the rough first draft to dinner at his home, then strapping it to the back of his motorcycle for the ride of a lifetime. [THR] · The Partridge Family are getting back on the bus, with a new pilot greenlit by—you guessed it—NBC. Casting agents are on the lookout for a "smart-alecky redheaded teen with glimmers of deep psychological damage way down the line." [THR]

Click to viewBoomp3.com Living legend Dustin Hoffman stopped off at a Brentwood magazine kiosk looking to pick up his weekly fix of the celebrity gossip rags. However a crowd quickly developed once the I Heart Huckabees star arrived, forcing Hoffman to feign interest in more serious fare like the Economist and The New Yorker. The crowd eventually went away, allowing the Hoffeweizen to scoop his favorite mags. Walking away, Hoffman was overheard to have said, “Oh, I’m so glad to see Zac and Vanessa are so in love together.” [Photo Credit: X17] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

The Last Time: The early numbers on Wednesday's final presidential debate between Barack Obama and John McCain put viewership around 38.3 million — squarely between their second face-off (42 million) and their first tilt last month (34 million). Viewers who watched to the very end were rewarded with the accompanying bit of McCain prankery, which had Democrats nationwide wondering when Barack Obama had become a lobbyist. [The Live Feed; photo via Wonkette]

Click to viewBoomp3.com At the premiere for Pride & Glory, star Lake Bell was momentarily star struck when she thought she saw mega movie star Johnny Depp. Bell cautiously approached the quirky Depp only discover it was her Pride & Glory co-star Colin Farrell. Bell tried to play it cool and explained that her co-star looked Johnny Depp from way far away. Farrell explained that she wasn’t the first person to get the two mixed up. Farrell added, “These things happen when you steal some body’s else mystique.” [Photo Credit: Splash Pics] *A Call To The Bullpen is a work of fiction. Although the pictures we use are most certainly real, Defamer does not purport that any of the incidents or quotations you see in this piece actually happened. Lighten up, people ... it's a joke.

Yesterday, we spent time dissecting Entertainment Weekly's new cover devoted to the J.J. Abrams reboot of Star Trek, starring a Marfan's-afflicted Katie Holmes and the president of Pi Kapp. Today, even more images were released for the film, which comes out next summer but is being heavily promoted now, in October, because the strike-wary studios have fuck-all for you until next year. Let's have a look, shall we?

Having glimpsed via W magazine at a rare, private look into the daily lives of Angelina Jolie, Brad Pitt, and their multi-hued brood, we feel we now have a pretty good picture of what goes on behind the razor-wire enforced walls of their various international compounds—a sort of high-luxury summer camp for underprivileged children, presided over by the most beautiful senior counselors in the universe, and host to unorthodox daily activities like Knife Golf and the Tattoo and Henna Workshop.Jolie has been very accessible lately, on tour to promote her starring turn in Clint Eastwood's Changeling—fittingly, the story of a strong and passionate mother, who finds herself up against the entire LAPD when she's delivered the wrong son following a kidnapping. (Surely had this happened to the real Jolie, she would have just shrugged her shoulders and added the orphan impostor to the pile.) In a profile in the NY Times, Jolie says her large family (traveling with the six children, ranging in age from 3 months to 7 years, is described by the reporter as "carrying a lot of baggage,") is still growing:

DJ AM joined Jay-Z last night for the rapper's performance at the Palladium, handily shattering the world-record recovery time for returning to the stage after nearly burning to death in a plane crash. The concert came one night after the AM's (a/k/a Adam Goldstein) conquering-hero welcome at the Avalon, and mere hours after People nabbed his first interview since the Sept. 19 accident that claimed four lives and also critically burned his friend and flight partner Travis Barker: