We pause for a moment to contemplate the contributions of this week's sponsors, who would certainly arrange a telethon for us should these torrential rains wash away our home. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and be a part of the blogging "revolution," see our ad info page.

A reader reports on last night's action at Koi, the location most likely to be sucked into a black hole once the universe finally rights the useless-celebrity equilibrium. Highlights: Nicky Hilton! Nicole Richie! Suge Knight! A motorcycle accident involving David Spade's car! The smell of brimstone as Lucifer himself was fellated by an agent from William Morris! OK, we may or may not have made up that last one. The report follows after the jump.

· The comic book fanboy rumors are true: Kate Bosworth and Kevin Spacey will play Lois Lane and Lex
Luthor in Bryan Singer's new Superman flick. That's Bosworth-Lane and Spacey-Luthor, unless Singer's really trying to shake thing up. [THR]
· Chastened by Michael Eisner's reign of terror at Disney, the company decides to keep the jobs of chairman and CEO separate. What this means to laymen: The CEO gets first choice of which character costume he gets to wear at board meetings. [Variety, sub. req'd.]
· British thesp David Morrissey hops aboard Basic Instinct 2 as the psychiatrist who tries to figure out Sharon Stone's homicidal, beaver-flashing novelist. Wow, one sentence in and we've already stopped caring. [THR]
· Modest ratings gains have NBC desperately clinging to the idea that 2005 won't be as big a disaster as last year. Keep hope alive, Jeff Zucker! [THR]
· ExploitationWatch: CBS snatches up the rights to Amber Frey's Witness to develop as telepic. [Variety]

As if the comparison between Viacom co-president/positivity coach Tom Freston's hiring of manager Brad Grey to run Paramount and Michael Eisner's fateful decision to hire BFF and erstwhile superagent Michael Ovitz to run Disney weren't excruciatingly obvious, the LAT helpfully provides this neon Bad Idea sign:

An anonymous spy claiming to be from Access Hollywood issues this cry for help from deep within the bowels of dinner-time celebrity-worship programming:

This is a helpful note to anyone thinking of relocating to L.A.: You'd better hit the gym, because every gig in town requires that you send a nude picture to your potential employer. Especially the server gigs:

Despite a year in which Michael Eisner barely staved off a revolt by bloodthirsty shareholders desperate to mount his head on a pike outside of the Magic Kingdom and in which he had to testify in court about his doomed relationship with former "life partner" Michael Ovitz, the embattled Disney CEO did pretty well for himself. The company awarded Eisner a $7.25 million "bonus," which seems a lot like a payoff for finally getting him to announce his (eventual) resignation. Or, perhaps, it's a bribe by his number two for an implicit endorsement:

· Britney Spears is obviously having a little fun with the public. She probably just meant she's going to shine a blacklight over Kevin Federline every time he comes home, checking for his trademark bastard batter on his clothes.
· Oliver Stone can't win. The gays say Alexander ain't gay enough, and the Bible Belt thinks it's handing out free hummers in West Hollywood. They all pretty agree that it sucks, however. It's a uniter, not a divider.
· Rush & Molly offer an up-to-the-minute briefing on Hollywood's tsunami relief efforts. If a new Boy George song can't put Sri Lanka back together again, what can?
· Open relationships, magic espresso, and, best of all, pregnant teens infect the Sims 2 universe. It's just like living in Chatsworth! (We don't even know what that means.) [via Waxy,org]
· Headline of the millennium: BLAKE'S VOMITING DIDN'T SEEM SINCERE TO WITNESSES [via BoingBoing]

· The newly-restored Aero Theater in Santa Monica is finally opening its doors tonight with a screening of In Good Company and a discussion with director Paul Weitz. (They were *this* close to getting Dennis Quaid.)
· For those of you seeking a fading, quasi-religious fad for the New Year, the Kabbalah Centre is offering a free introductory event. But don't get too brainwashed right off the bat—you need to keep the flexibility to move on to whatever cult gets hot in 2005.
· The Section Quartet plays Radiohead's OK Computer at the Echo. We've always wondered what Thom Yorke might sound like as a viola.
· What would happen if Jenna and Barbara Bush had their own talk show? Find out at The Bush Twins Party Hour at The Next Stage. Somehow, we think this is going to involve dangerous amount of alcohol.

In an e-mail to his media conglomerate serfs, Viacom co-president welcomes new Paramount chairman and CEO Brad Grey into the fold and ushers in a new era at the studio. Either someone (read: Les Moonves) stole Freston's thesaurus, or he took twice his regular dosage of Wellbutrin, because everything seems great to him. There's the "great news" that Grey is coming aboard, and Paramount is in "great shape" with "great momentum" from the "great recent hits" SpongeBob and Lemony Snicket. Had enough positivity? The great-alanche continues, with Freston heralding Grey as a magnet for "great people" and "great ideas" with a "great feel" for the marketplace.

Your guesses are in! Take another dip in Two Filthy and Delicious Blind Vices:

While Ashlee Simpson is showered with boos, producer Jerry Bruckheimer smiles, knowing that his less conspicuous brand of evil will be totally ignored. For one more day, at least.
[Photo: Ralph Notaro/Getty Images]

The eastside community is suffering a little death with the imminent shuttering of the Vice store in Silver Lake. When, exactly, isn't clear, since the announcement sets the date for Sunday, January 8th at 6 p.m., which gives you either two or three days to take advantage of their clearance sale. We predict a hipster feeding frenzy; please arrive early or risk being bitten by someone in a thrift store t-shirt reaching for the same pair of Reebok Pumps. (Click on the thumbnail above to see the announcement.)

Blogger Boi From Troy writes in to inform us that Ashlee Simpson's disastrous Orange Bowl appearance was doomed from the minute the crowd heard her name. Before she opened her mouth to treat football fans to the sound of that Satan eating kittens must make, the boos were already raining down.

· As we all know by now, Brad Grey is confirmed as head of Paramount, etc etc. [THR, Variety, sub. req'd.]
· John Travolta will play a homicide detective in the feature Lonely Hearts. We hope he's the kind of cop who breaks all the rules, we can't get enough of those! James Gandolfini will sully himself alongside the bloated, scenery-chewing Scientologist. [Variety]
· HBO, bored of their procession of single-camera comedy hits, gives a pick up to its first multi-camera sitcom, a family show written by and starring Louis C.K. Oh, the hubris that makes HBO think they can make the laugh track bearable... [THR]
· MTV picks up 3 more seasons of The Real World, ensuring that Los Angeles will have a nearly inexhaustible supply of bartenders and servers that patrons kind of recognize from the TV. [Variety]
· OutKast's Andre 3000 will star as Mark Wahlberg's brother in Paramount's dead-mother-avenging feature previously known as Four Brothers. If you had any questions as to why Paramount had to clean house, please re-read the first sentence. [THR]
· Once-proud, one-man lawyer drama factory David E. Kelley slowly descends the network ladder, exec producing the pilot Halley's Comet for the WB. [THR]
· Breaking: Directors Guild nominates Clint Eastwood, Marc Forster, Taylor Hackford, Alexander Payne, and Martin Scorsese for its awards. [Variety]

Wherein we invite our readers to risk permanent brain injury contemplating the blind items of humpy E! gossip guru Ted Casablanca and submit their guesses as to this week's perpetrators of gay sexual acts and substance abuse. Mr. Casablanca comes back from the holidays with two items for your gossiping rapture. You're soaking in Two Filthy and Delicious Blind Vices:

Page Six reports that Courtney Love plans on selling her Manhattan apartment, pocketing the $6 million from the sale, and heading back to L.A. to start over and reclaim custody of daughter Frances Bean. No, really, she's serious this time! But Love doesn't stand a chance if we don't pitch in and make our city relapse-proof for the recovering addict. So, right now, go to your medicine cabinets and flush all of your prescription medications down the toilet. Yes, even that OxyContin that you had your assistant's doctor prescribe for her because your doctor finally discovered ethics and wouldn't approve yet another scrip for "migraines." Helping others is supposed to hurt. Oh, and someone should probably burn down some pharmacies in Beverly Hills, just to be safe.

When network flacks push their new shows' stars before the media in search of publicity, the stories inevitably follow one of two forms: a) self-effacing: "I'm exactly like my crazy/quirky/dark character so I can totally relate!" or b) self-aggrandizing: "I'm really nothing like my crazy/quirky/dark character, I'm just such a great artist that I completely transform myself!" This headline misdirects you to think Committed star Jennifer Finnegan is about to give an A story, but zigs to B. And not only has she overcome her neuroses to play a fearless character (she's an artiste!), she's overcome her own fear of comedy, which sounds a lot harder than, say, infantry duty in Falluja: "It's scary and it's challenging and you put yourself on the line. That's the reason I decided to try it." So brave!

It looks like the "snags" that were holding up Brad Grey's coronation at Paramount have been unsnagged, as they announced this morning that the manager will take his meager film experience (hey, he's got "people skills"!) straight to the top of their studio. A spy said there were major stirrings on the Paramount lot this morning, so we can expect the symbolic, power transferring copulation (with the requisite photo op) between the new guy and outgoing studio queen Sherry Lansing any time now. Developing...

· The eavesdropping ex-publicist from FX gets three years of probation for his spying antics after he was fired. The DA doesn't think the flack was remorseful. Doesn't he know that publicists lack the remorse gland?
· An Orange Bowl rep says that Ashlee Simpson was booed at their halftime show because of her SNL performance. This is going to come off as juvenile, but: No fucking duh, genius.
· How Many Things Are Wrong With the Following PR Quotable? Um, many.
· Teri Hatcher, Real-Life Desperate Housewife. Also, they're real and they're spectacular, etc etc.