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A reader reports on last night's action at Koi, the location most likely to be sucked into a black hole once the universe finally rights the useless-celebrity equilibrium. Highlights: Nicky Hilton! Nicole Richie! Suge Knight! A motorcycle accident involving David Spade's car! The smell of brimstone as Lucifer himself was fellated by an agent from William Morris! OK, we may or may not have made up that last one. The report follows after the jump.

While walking into the very crowded, scene-fest restaurant, a very slight and tiny Nicole Richie comes pouring out on the arm of one of her friends. While having some delicious sake on the patio (hovering by the fire of course), who passes us, but a very bubbly and beautiful Heather Graham. She looked great, but I was over her cause she had just been on my plane from LA to NYC at Thanksgiving. As we drank more and gossiped about who was walking by, all this hub bub was coming from the street, the paparazzi lights were flashing, and a large black man smoking a cigar walked in. It was Suge Knight! Holla! He walked in like he owned the room - and he did.

So, finally, as we are about to be seated, we hear a motorcycle accident outside. Everyone gets silent and goes out to make sure everything's ok. Turns out the guy was fine, trying to pick up his own bike, but in true Hollywood fashion - people start speculating about who's car he hit. Turns out - it was David Spade's! About 5 minutes later, David Spade and Chris Rock walk out of the restaurant. We didn't wait around to check the aftermath as we were (finally) getting seated. We ate our delicious crunchy rice and tuna apps. as well as a fishing boatload of sushi (boring - you don't want to hear of our NON-celeb conversation).

So, of course the night is coming to a close - we want to get out and get on with our "normal" lives. Not yet. Who is waiting to leave but can't because the paparazzi (like 10 cameras at least) are waiting for them? Nikki Hilton and Kevin Connolly. They are the tiniest twosome on the planet! But he seemed very sweet. Instead of buying her a rose from the multitude of crazy Spanish ladies outside, he just decided to give the lady money. My friend Kelly told him he was "sweet" and Nikki Hilton responded with "I'm scared." Needless to say, no brawl ensued. As we stepped out of the restaurant, a multitude of paparazzi lifted their cameras, but no flashbulbs went off. Well, maybe next time.