Join us, won't you, as we dance around the Commerce Pole and gleefully sing the praises of our advertisers? We lurve them. If you'd like to advertise on Defamer and reach the kind of consumers that would never, ever suggest a coked-up liaison between a TV host and a hooker, see this page.

Christians: You only really need to be in Church on Sunday, leaving you so much time to fill the coffers of your local movie exhibitor.

Cut us some slack, OK? It's Good Friday, which if we remember properly from our 16 years of Catholic schooling, demands at least one cheap pedophilia joke. Besides, the original logo isn't much better.

Here's what we've learned in the days since Pat O'Brien's self-exile to rehab, which probably has nothing at all to do with the voicemails of the smooth operator eloquently seducing a female acquaintance: People who claim that they used to work with him are delighted that he's finally been served such a public comeuppance. Bask in Schadenfraude as a former colleague gleefully maligns O'Brien's golf game:

Now that Robert Blake has put the possibility of jail time behind him after being acquitted of his wife's slaying, is Hollywood willing to look the other way and allow him to practice his craft?

After being sentenced to 17 months in jail and 4 months of rehabd for violating his probation, actor Tom Sizemore can't shake the feeling that things would've been different if he'd just killed Heidi Fleiss.

· An actor is alleging that he was Vincent Gallo's Brown Bunny stunt cock...and breaking his confidentiality agreement because he hasn't yet been paid for letting Chloe Sevigny blow him. Dude, in many Hollywood circles, you just got time-and-a-half.
· Moonlightin' Matt Haber at Low Culture: Sometimes the World Writes Its Own Satire.
· We're going to be upfront about this: We fucking love Project Greenlight. The movie they're making is going down, and going down hard. But the runners-up in the script competition, whom everyone involved with the show seemed to think did a better job than the writers they selected, have optioned their scripts to Ben Affleck and Wes Craven. Everybody wins! Also: Viva Gulager!
· RIP Morty Seinfeld, gentleman, father, and inventor of the beltless raincoat.

· If you can hardly get through a conversation without an inappropriately yelped "Nee!" or threatening to taunt someone a second time, you already know about this: Eric Idle, original Monty Python demigod, reads from his The Greedy Bastard Diary: A Comic Tour of America at Dutton's in Brentwood.
· If your nerd-dom includes a taste of misanthropy and a semester of film school, there's a sneak preview of Todd Solondz's new film, Palindromes, at the Aero. Solondz and star Ellen Barkin will be there for a post-show Q & A.
· Tonight rocks, for nerds: They Might Be Giants play the House of Blues on the Strip, pirate-loving, grad-core rockers The Decemberists are at the Henry Fonda, and Earlimart (who have no discernible nerd connection, unfortunately) hit Spaceland.

Wow, that was fast. Guess the folks at the top of the Fox food chain were terribly afraid that all of the little chicks in the pilot season incubator would fall ill if neglected for too long. They've already named FX head Peter Liguori to take over for the bolting Gail Berman, ensuring that they have someone to shepherd such promising shows as Dirtbags, Don't Ask (not the John Goodman project that eventually became the short-lived Normal, Ohio—but very close), and Marriage 911. A hint for the new guy: They keep the Xanax in a Ziploc bag in the top left drawer of your new desk. Take a handful before you even consider picking up Pool Boys, then order seven more seasons of American Idol instead. That should get you through the first day on the job.

Beware, residents of Pittsburgh. It seems that an actor-type has chewed off the ankle bracelet that keeps horny, semi-famous lifeforms close to LA and escaped to your city for some work. As usual, the method of his seduction is that last refuge of the boner-riddled insomniac, a Craigslist ad:

Your guesses are posted! Take off your shoes and your socks and tiptoe through the gossip-daisies of One Window-Fogged Blind Vice:

Concerned about their sudden, unexplained weight gain, a group of health-conscious agents at CAA took some initiative and made sure that every baby in the agency's refrigerator is now properly labeled with nutritional information.

Like a woman in a bar who licks her lips, orders you a drink, and then kicks you in the junk, the NYT is sending some mixed signals about tonight's premiere of the American version of The Office on NBC:

· FX's Peter Liguori is the frontrunner to replace Gail Berman atop Fox. We can only hope that he will exercise prudent stewardship over surefire hits in the pilot pipeline, like the one with Tara Reid running a Vegas wedding chapel. Don't fuck it up, Pete! That would be like flushing a gold brick down the crapper! [THR]
· This is no longer breaking news: HBO and New Line team up to create a new indie distributor, led by Newmarket Film's Bob Berney. [Variety]
· M. Night Shyamalan takes his hacky/twisty talents away from Disney and gifts them to Warner Brothers, where he'll make his next project, Lady in the Water. Spoiler alert: The lady will not be a lady at all, then the water kills the lady. [Variety]
· The American Idol voting snafu potentially fucks over the buzz-deficient Life on a Stick, which will now premiere tonight against the buzz-building The Office. [Variety]
· The pilot casting pool is getting dangerouly thin, as CBS gives Scientology adherent/acting castoff Jenna Elfman a job. We suppose this was preferable to Les Moonves letting Eflman clean his mansion. [THR]

Wherein we invite our readers to grab their shovels and unearth the blind item artifacts that humpy E! gossip archaeologist Ted Casablanca has buried under mounds of prose-dirt. This week, a new wrinkle: Ted revisits an item from two weeks ago, which our resourceful readers can now attack with a renewed vigor and fresh perspective. Take another shot at One Window-Fogged Blind Vice:

ABC has stopped production on a episode of Wife Swap in which a member of one of the swapped families punched his 13-year-old daughter in the face. We think we're finally starting to get a handle on what it takes for a reality show to can an episode.

After years of holding Disney president Bob Iger underneath him, CEO Michael Eisner is finally letting the man chosen to be his successor to climb on top:

This morning, Page Six notes another defection from William Morris, again ascribing this latest betrayal to unhappiness over the New Yorker profile of "unorthodox" WMA president Dave Wirtschafter. The way they're fixating, you'd think the Sixers are opening up an agency of their own, populated solely by former Morris clients:

Join us as we rub the sleep from our eyes, spread some garlic-herb cream cheese on a bagel, and spend our breakfast with updates about rehabbing Insider host/world champion sexy-talker Pat O'Brien. Here, O'Brien uses his silver tongue to charm a colleague:

· Pat O'Brien gets a roommate that even he might think twice about propositioning. [We really hope they're at the same place. What a party!]
· A South Carolina IMAX theater is refusing to show a movie (Volcanoes of the Deep Sea) because of a reference to the witchcraft of "evolution" it contains. To make sure their entertainment offerings are more palatable to their customers, the theater instead will be filled with two hours of a 100-foot projection of Jesus having his flesh torn off by a spiked whip.
· Yet another way you can nearly kill someone on the 405 while distracted by your cellphone.
· A modest proposal from the real OC: A horny couple is looking for a reasonably-priced, regular venue for their extramarital affair. Sandy Cohen would not approve.