Further proof that founding a fast food chain will ensure you live a long, healthy life: Baskin-Robbins founder Irvine Robbins has died at the age of 90. Consume butterfat in his memory. [LAT]

Cary Tennis: Your Source For Stone Cold Crazy Advice. The Salon advicemonger and generally confused and confusing man today receives a sincere question from a girl about her hard-partying friend, who gets drunk and cheats on her boyfriend, most recently by having "consensual, unprotected sex with one of the Marines" that she met on a night out. What should she do to help her friend? Cary Tennis makes sure she regrets that she ever asked that question. Because Cary Tennis can read her friend's mind:

Is this woman having an orgasm, or simply on The Hills? That is the question of the day on the Details (a gentleman-on-gentleman's monthly) and GQ (same, basically) website. They've taken a smattering of extreme facial expression close ups from the sun-soaked MTV reality "smash" (sometimes that's what the Brits call a car wreck), and interspersed some regular old porno o-faces. Can you tell the difference between Hills-face and o-face? Take the test here. It's not really that hard, though, because (for me at least) those braying idiots have seared their visages into my memory forever. One day, when I am old and gray and hopefully in the glorious denouement of a serious horse tranquilizer addiction, I imagine that I'll see a bright flash of Whitney Port's bovine face and will immediately feel the mild warmth of an indifferent God and shuffle off this broken, mortal coil. I don't want to experience this alone, so please take the test over and over again until they are a part of you, too.

Just in time for Super Size Me director Morgan Spurlock's new movie, a Wall Street analyst is getting closer to the fast-food companies he tracks by eating only "quick-service" food for all of April. It's halfway through the month; how's he doing? The answer won't be surprising to those who remember how long the founders of Popeyes, Carl's Jr. and Fatburger lived:

Natasha Collins-the British former model who starred in the TV show See It, Saw It, and who a coroner's report revealed was scalded to death in her bathtub in January while she had more than five times the lethal dose of cocaine in her system-left behind a fiance who went missing in London six days ago. His body was found today "in a remote spot at Paddington railway station. Officers said he was not struck by a train." The boyfriend, children's TV presenter Mark Speight, disappeared days after appearing at Collins' inquest looking "drawn and gaunt."

Horse-riding is dangerous. Deadly even. Especially when uppity commoners are involved! Mark Phillips is the coach of the US Olympic equestrian team. He has so far killed three team hopefuls this season with his "challenging" new jumping courses. This very much upsets his ex-wife, Princess Anne. "Phillips is about to be crucified as the halfwit menace," said one British journalist (according to Page Six). The problem is that Phillips isn't royalty, even though he was married to a Princess for a while, and only royalty can properly manage this exciting and deadly sport. We don't know if this is good or bad for Lou Dobbs' daughter Hillary, who is sort of American Royalty, isn't she? Thankfully, the world is still eradicating the horse menace. After the jump, terrifying footage of just how dangerous horse-riding can be.

If having your loved one cremated and poured into a jar that sits in your house isn't enough remembrance for you, LifeGem has a better idea: take those ashes, subject them to a huge amount of force, and create a diamond to wear around. You'll always know the gem was made from, as the company puts it, a very special "carbon source"—that means your loved one! You can even get them for your pets, which are also diamond-worthy carbon sources. Once your order is delivered, we imagine, you sing a creepy little song about "the diamond within you," and cackle maniacally. Strange business. As TNR points out, this would be an apt fate for Charlton "Soylent Green" Heston. Below, some of the company's gently persuasive sales pitch, which is somehow hair-raising. There's no right way to sell this product.

Bloggers, are you afraid you're going to die after reading that Times article earlier this week? Well, guess what! With the assistance of two new websites, you can set up farewell emails to be sent to your family and friends in the event of your untimely demise. Go ahead, tell them all the things you never had time to say in life because you were busy blogging yourself to death. See details below...

Today, you must have heard, is the 40th anniversary of civil rights leader Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr.'s assassination. He was shot to death while standing on the balcony of a Memphis hotel at 6:01 p.m. on April 4, 1968. The night before, he had given his last speech—the prophetic "I've been to the Mountaintop" sermon—in which he told the crowd, "Like anybody, I would like to live a long life. Longevity has its place. But I'm not concerned about that now." King was tired, and had to be specially cajoled to go to the church that night; he ended up delivering his own eulogy. Considering the circumstances, it was his most moving speech of all. Were he alive today, King would be nearing his 80th birthday. A full clip of the speech is below. Have we reached the promised land yet?

Boy, ABC News president David Westin must have really been moved by the story of Randy Pausch, a 47 year-old professor and father who has terminal cancer. It's not every day an exec as high up as Westin takes the time to email the entire ABCTV staff just to talk about an uplifting story! Westin is truly touched by how Pausch has altered our lives. That's one interpretation. Another, more accurate interpretation, which is completely validated by the contents of Westin's email [via Jossip], is that the exec saw a good chance to use this ill man's story as an example of the badass corporate interactivity going on under the Disney umbrella. Westin's totally excited about Pausch's TV segment, sister company Hyperion is publishing the book, and the guy once wanted to be an "Imagineer" for another Disney unit... When he still had his life before him, of course. The full email, after the jump.

Something to wear with your Kurt Cobain Converse on the way to a party at the Williamsburg Edge: a $190 Kurt Cobain t-shirt. For the sake of capitalism, let's hope this trend never ends! [Satchel of Gravel]

Here is a full page ad in today's issue of The Onion (click to enlarge) that is so stupid I had to photograph it with my cell phone camera in a spontaneous feat of journalism. "LIVE HERE OR DIE," it says. This is an ad for Williamsburg Edge, the execrable new high rise yuppie condo in the Burg that previously declared itself to be "Gritty." So, can we all agree on "Die?" We'll take "Die," thanks.

Natasha Collins, a former model who starred in a British children's TV show called "See It, Saw It," was found dead in a bathtub in January. Today, a coroner's report said that she died by being scalded to death in the hot bathwater, and that she had "Five times the potentially fatal amount of cocaine" in her system at the time. She and her fiancee—whom she met while he was working on another kids show—had been partying at home alone when she died. Collins wasn't always in costume; after the jump, a few of her normal modeling shots.

In January, Carl Karcher, the founder of the fast food chain Carl's Jr., died at the age of 90. In February, Lovie Yancey, the founder of Fatburger, died at the age of 96. And just yesterday, Al Copeland, the founder of Popeyes Fried Chicken, died at the age of 64. Which is not bad for a man with a lifetime diet of fried chicken! Does this mean that 2008 is a deadly year for our beloved fast food entrepreneurs? No, it means that fast food will keep you alive well past the expected time of your demise. Honor their memories with greasy meat. [Tabloid Baby]

Ads like this one got me thinking: Do people really ride outside of subway cars? Do they do it to the extent that the city of New York must spend thousands of dollars on an ad campaign advising mouth breathers not to take their own lives in their hands and screw up commutes for the rest of us? And if you were going to ride outside a train, would you really do it by clinging onto the outside edge of the closed door, terrified face pressed against the window so all inside could see your horror before you inevitably fell onto the tracks and died? The answer to all of the above is, sadly, "yes."

Cartoon death trailblazer South Park last night finally ran a Britney Spears episode, featuring her gruesome demise. Not to give it away, but it's not just the shotgun that does it! Oh South Park, you are truly the world leader in animated superstar celebrity tasteless murder techniques. Below, a clip [P6] of headless Britney on the show.

Fox News morning anchoress Gretchen Carlson is so thrilled about the arrival of Spring that she can't stop smiling, even when delivering the news of 13 deaths from severe weather. "Guess what—it's the first day of Spring! Whoo-hoo!" she exclaims over an aerial shot of a flooded house. She almost regains her composure: "But it's not so great for some people in the country." Amazing clip, after the jump.

A construction worker has hanged himself at Mel Gibson's house.

[Martha Stewart holding enormous scissors at Macy's yesterday; image via Bauer-Griffin]

"William F. Buckley Jr. and didgeridoo master Alan Dargin died." –Paul Ford, summarizing the news in Harper's "Weekly Review" [Harper's]