If it makes you feel any better, the new trend is hippies breeding new strains of deadly viruses in their closets:

Queen of the USA Oprah gave out coupons to the whole world for a free KFC lunch today. And guess what: As we speak, there are Riots and Sit-Ins and Furor at KFC. BREAKING:

Did you know that the GOP agenda killed football hero Jack Kemp? It's true, according to eventual Democrat Arlen Specter!

Happy May Day! Have you marched in solidarity with any workers today? No? Well, it was raining. We forgive you.

Jim Berhle's adorable kittens have the dreaded PINK DEATH. Also a cogent review of Lie to Me: "Everyone's always totally lying!"

Remember how after 9/11, every backwater public library in Iowa and auditorium in Missouri spent millions terrorist-proofing themselves, JUST TO BE READY? Swine flu panic is the new that.

Let's see, a technician working for one of the most powerful billionaires in India reports that somebody tried to sabotage the guy's helicopter to kill him, then the technician is mysteriously killed. Real, no movie:

Swine flu has claimed its first life in America, a young child. Mexico has identified the first infected person there, a young child. For the billion healthy kids in the Western hemisphere: you're grounded.

Citizens: do not be alarmed that hundreds of your children are now being mangled by Killer Swine Flu Virus. The government will not stop until it has wasted billions on fighting this mild illness!

Here we are two days into the Swine Flu Panic of '09, and dead bodies have yet to be stacked up like cordwood on the streets of American cities. Face it: this story is dumb.

Washing your hands hundreds of time: will it save you? From swine flu, maybe. But not from the pig disease death meme that has claimed the minds of many of our nation's television news stars!

Basic message: Anything sign of happiness in your attitude will cause you to die, followed by your loved ones.
But hey, I like the pep!

Quickly, don your paper masks! Stay indoors! The dirty Mexican pig influenza is here, to sicken you! Wocka wocka. Did you know that America had another swine flu panic, in 1976? Let's reminisce, and laugh:

David Kellerman, the Freddie Mac CFO who committed suicide this week, was told by HR to take some time off from work, shortly before he killed himself. The "job stress" scenario looks ever more likely.

The media's had a good half day now to find out more about David Kellerman, the Freddie Mac CFO who committed suicide early this morning. He hung himself. The "job stress" scenario is looking plausible:

David Kellerman, the chief financial officer of money-bleeding mortgage firm Freddie Mac, was found dead in his Virginia home this morning. He'd apparently committed suicide. The financial crisis would be one obvious possible motive.

What are these Somali pirates, Democrats? The four wretched bandits huddled in a drifting lifeboat surrounded by US Navy gunships are now demanding $2 million, or the knives come out:

How does America deal with hard times? By trimming the fat from our budgets. D.I.Y., people! Out: paying people for things. In: squatting in houses and being your own lawyer!

Stocks are down this morning, on concerns about the health of the financial sector. But the foreclosure business is booming, on optimism of more and more and more foreclosures!

In a development that we really would have preferred not to have happened at all, psycho loner nation North Korea has launched a big missile. A big, crazy missile. Oh shit.