When Jermaine Jackson made a statement on his brother's death last night, he noted that Michael Jackson's family physician was with him when he collapsed. But who is he? And where's that doctor now? The world is looking for him.

Good lord: more than half of all deaths of Russians aged 15-54 can be attributed to "excessive alcohol consumption."

Farrah Fawcett, David Carradine, and Ed McMahon all just died. Oh, and Michael Jackson. Oh, and the Governor of South Carolina admitted to cheating on his wife. As did Senator John Ensign. And something about Iran?

Ana Marie Cox is guest-hosting for Rachel Maddow tonight! She is so psyched! Or she was, until a certain someone had to go and die unexpectedly yesterday.

Never let it be said that Ronn [sic] Torossian was not among the very first shameless D-grade flacks to post a Youtube video opining on the future of Michael Jackson's "brand" before the man's body was even cold.

The New York Daily News tried to say it broke the news of Farrah Fawcett's death online before it even happened. Time stamp proof:

In an apparent move to rip off some of Conde Nast's disease-ridden glamor, the Washington Post told employees yesterday that three cases of the dreaded Mexican Pig Flu have been found at headquarters. Full memo below, via Michael Calderone at Politico:

Stupid Europe always gets the best sex scandals. While we here in the USA are unable to even find three days worth of interesting material in a Senator's affair, France is four years into this S&M banker-"whore" murder case.

Last week, the federal government passed a bill that lets the FDA essentially control everything about how cigarettes are advertised and marketed. New restrictions could save thousands of lives. But wait, this could hurt magazines! Stop everything!

Just as some had speculated, New York-based forensic scientist Michael Baden announced this afternoon that he has reviewed the case of David Carradine and ruled out the possibility of suicide, to which we say, duh!

Stop laughing at swine flu right this instant: the World Health Organization has just declared the first global flu pandemic in 41 years, meaning we're all just one mutation away from devastation:

Are you a resident of New York City? If you answered 'yes,' have you passed away in the last two months? Surely you have. Look to your left. Look to your right. Both of those people have swine flu!

It's spreading. Earlier this month, Vogue was infected with the deadly Mexican Pig Flu. Did you imagine that they could contain it? They could not.

Upcoming autopsy results will say that Kung Fu actor David Carradine did in fact die from autoerotic asphyxiation, the New York Post reports. Not surprising, given his proclivities. But this judgment does not necessarily rule out death by ninja.

When Kung Fu simulator David Carradine was found hanged to death in Bangkok hotel room closet Wednesday, suicide was reasonably suspected. But now, evidence seems to be pointing to one of those grisly masturbation accidents:

As of this morning there are 171 news articles about the totally harmless rat snake—a popular type of pet—that was found in a Bronx apartment. It did not eat anyone, yet.

Two more New Yorkers with swine flu have died. Why isn't there a fresh round of PANIC? Because it looks like the worst is over. And we're not all dead!

Egypt just sentenced a billionaire real estate tycoon to die for killing his girlfriend, a Lebanese pop singer. In America, we protect the billionaires, and leave killings of music stars (Tupac, Biggie) unsolved forever. We can learn from these Egyptians!

What's the worst part of the decline of newspapers? Oh maybe it's all the innocent people who will DIE. Every time you don't buy a paper you practically slip the noose around a condemned man's neck!

The Way We Live Now: Besieged. New York City is crumbling into bloody class wars in the street, if selective anecdotes are any indication. Crime will follow you to your hotel! And, locusts! One day: