• While "French film" may the be most feigned intellectual interest of all time, apparently there are people who do enjoy actually watching the movies. The French Institute Alliance Fran aise caters to said freaks with a festival celebrating writer/director Marguerite Duras, kicking off tonight. [flavorpill]
• Hopping over a country or two, Makor hosts a sneak preview of Fateless, the "semi-autobiographical tale of a 14-year-old Jewish boy swept up by the Holocaust," adapted from the novel from Nobel Prize-winner Imre Kertesz. Yeah, the Holocaust does tend to "sweep" one away. [Upcoming]
• Finally, for those with plainer tastes—cowboys, gorillas, etc—the New York Times offers half-priced movie tickets all week. No, there really isn't anything else going on today. Sorry. [NYT]

Friday:
Doveman is, in fact, not a lone man with a mission of peace, but a bunch of dudes singing "quiet songs about girls." See for yourself tonight at Tonic. [Upcoming]

• The good people at the American Museum of Natural History, champions of all things forgotten, offer a three-day Kwanzaa celebration amidst the dinosaur bones. Today's kick-off festivities include a dance workshop and a performance of a 13th century West African epic. [flavorpill]

• In tonight's edition of Who Knew That Was A Job, Mike Patton "screams, barks, and groans" on stage at Warsaw, and people pay to listen. Rahzel of Roots fame collaborates, with special appearances by Dub Trio and Wilco's Glenn Kotche. [flavorpill]
• Gimme Shelter, screening tonight at MoMA, documents a Rolling Stones concert turned to chaos and the ensuing death of a concertgoer. Fucking evil rock music. [Upcoming]
• For everyone who missed it the first time around, disco dies again tonight at The Delancey, and you can be there to artificially shut it down. Alan McGee and BP Fallon host Death Disco, with performances by Lampa, Nemo, Moto:Rosa, and Four Volts. [WUNY]

• As a glimpse into the creative process, the sculptures of Santiago Calatrava — the architect designing the World Trade Center Transportation Hub — goes on display at the Met. You might as well go; it's not as if you'll see his other project completed in this lifetime. [flavorpill]
• Doing the whole "find the humor in tragedy" coping routine, the good folks at the UCB theatre presesnt the 2005 "It Sucked" Awards tonight, making jokes about things like Katrina and earthquakes. It's much less offensive in front of an audience. [WUNY]
• Beatles cover band the Fab Faux (oh, how we wish we'd come up with that zinger) plays the White Album tonight at Webster Hall. Hopefully, they've aged better than Paul McCartney. [Upcoming]

Friday:
• If Jimmy Stewart and his stupid building make you want to wretch, then A Christmas Story is the holiday movie for you. Catch the 1983 classic, with its triple-dog-dares and its BB guns, on the big screen at the Landmark Sunshine. [flavorpill]
• Even Danny Tenaglia caves to the holidays, presenting the unfortunately-named Be Your 'Elf celebration tonight at Spirit. Insert pointy-shoes joke here. [WUNY]
Saturday:
• The Jews take back the holiday season, declaring Hanukkah just when Christmas was coming to a boil. And they'll be here for 8 nights, kids. Kick off the Festival of Lights with Jewltide III at Southpaw in Park Slope. [flavorpill]
• Jews, schmooze, and booze: The Ball 2005, simultaneously taking over Avalon, The Park, Hiro at the Maritime Hotel and Spider Club, promises to be "the nation's biggest Jewish singles event." Funny, sounds like just another night in Manhattan to us. [Upcoming]
Sunday:
• Makor hosts a chinese food-laden movie fest, featuring films by Gene and Billy Wilder. If you're looking for something a little more mindless, smuggle the eggrolls to King Kong, Cassanova, or The Producers, all now playing. [TONY]
Monday:
• Jackie Hoffman hits Joe's Pub, bringing Christmas (or its bitter alter-ego) to gays, Jews, and other assorted outcasts. Drain the holiday spirit right out of you with a slew of inappropriate jokes and a rousing "Hanukkah, oh Hanukkah" or two, because Christmas is over. Thank God. [flavorpill]

• We've reached the date where trying to avoid Christmas is just no longer worth the effort. Surrender tonight at the Masters at Work Annual Christmas Jam Session, 10:30-5 at Deep. Tiny Tim costume optional. [flavorpill]
• Lip Service does A Tribute to Tina Turner, Holiday Style tonight at Galapagos. It's unclear whether "holiday style" means that heavy drug use and abusive relationships are downplayed or highlighted. With the audience in question, probably the latter. [Paper]
• To round out the Christmas Triumvirate, Housing Works hosts Jingle Bell ROCK! at its West Village thrift shop. This event is less offensive than most in that a) proceeds go to a good cause and b) there's free beer. Oh, Santa — you shouldn't have. [Upcoming]

• Christmas isn't so much secularized as creepified at "A John Waters Christmas," an extravangaza hosted by the director himself. The Trachtenberg Family Slideshow Players and Kimya Dawson join the oddities tonight at Bowery Ballroom. [WUNY]
• The good folks at Air Guitar USA, which apparently exists, bring you a competition tonight at M1-5 at Tribeca. Unfortunately, it's not a national qualifier, but New York's own Air Guitar Champion, Bj rn T roque, will be among the judges. Extra points for headbanging and pained facial expressions. [Upcoming]
• In response to the whole strike thing, a number of bars around the city are extending happy hours. If you have to walk, walk drunk. [flavorpill]

With seemingly every company in town lopping of a portion of its workforce just in time for the holidays, many of the suddenly unemployed will need to keep an open mind when considering new opportunities within the entertainment business. As always, the anonymous potential employers of Craigslist offer a creative, short-term solution to one's cash-flow problems:

• The Art of Chess, currently at the Luhring Augustine Gallery, features work by a number of artists inspired by the accoutrements of the game. Next in the series is Monopoly, giant silver top hat and all. [flavorpill]
• The (International) Noise Conspiracy hits Bowery Ballroom tonight, and we imagine they'll have a theory or two about the strike, besides the usual drums and paranoia. Circa Survive and Nightmare of You open. [Upcoming]
• Gay and still need a Christmas present for your parents? Try "Coming Out: The Lighter and More Amusing Side of Coming Out Of the Closet" for a cheap and delightful ways to give your family the truth this year. [MFC]

Perhaps lately you've taken notice of a recurring image on the streets of LA: a little buddha blissfully strumming a guitar, usually found on a Hollywood-type ass sashaying ahead of you. He should be smiling, because he's the logo for True Religion jeans, the $200-plus must-have clothing obsession of the moment. With the opening of their first store in Manhattan Beach, and plans for a wider expansion, the LAT gives the hot local company a closer look:

• Fresh off of finals, NYU's Tisch kids show off their final projects tonight. Yes, even baby hipsters have their own Science Fairs these days. [flavorpill]
• While her father was busy wrecking cars and marrying younger women, it seems that Billy Joel's daughter Alexa was learning the music trade herself. The second generation Piano Man-ette performs tonight at the Cutting Room. [Paper]
• Tonight at Galapagos: Extremely horny people discuss their lust in a witty and charming manner. Join Andy Horwitz, Reverend Jen Miller, and Neal Medlyn, among others, at a Nerve reading. BYO sexual frustration. [Scanner]

Friday:
• German DJ/producer team M.A.N.D.Y. performs at Tonic tonight, bringing "hands-in-the-air anthems" to a grateful, never-could-dance-anyway audience. Spaz out with the masses from 10-4. [flavorpill]
• Before digital octet The Earlies were old enough to run away and get hitched, they used to write songs in a penpal fashion, mailing tapes back and forth from Texas to England. In a fairytale ending, they're finally together, so get a taste of the magic tonight at the Mercury Lounge. [flavorpill]
Saturday:
• Just when you thought fake holiday names inspired by The OC couldn't get any worse, we offer you "blogmukkah." Somewhere, Josh Schwartz and baby Jesus are crying. [Upcoming]
• Warsaw's reincarnation as a holiday craft fair couldn't be better: yarn, popsicle sticks, plus DJs and a few dancers to take the edge off. The market opens at noon, and the first thousand shoppers get a free gift. We hope it's booze. [flavorpill]
Sunday:
• E.O. Wilson, Harvard scientist and Pulitzer-Prize winner, lectures tonight at the Kaye Playhouse. As Mr. Wilson is one of the foremost Darwinists of our time, it's unlikely that God, holidays, or "mukkah" will come up in any context. Survival of the fittest, you know. [Upcoming]

• Opening tonight, JD's Lesbian Utopia features photographs and A/V installations documenting her "ten-day journey through GLBT campgrounds with photographer Cass Bird." Oh the puns, they almost write themselves. [flavorpill]
• Taking the stage tonight at the UCB theater is "Showgirls: The Best Movie Ever Made. Ever," featuring actors posing as the film's writer and cast, engaging in a mock discussion. We suspect it'll be at least half as entertaining as the film itself. [UCB]
• Tinselfrenzy promises free candy and mistletoe along with the five bands scheduled to perform at Rothko tonight. You know you've been hankering for a scream-o cover of "Oh Holy Night." [Upcoming]

We at Defamer realize some members of our readership may still have some disposable income left after buying out all the inventory in our t-shirt store, and we're committed to keeping these prized consumers informed of Hollywood's hottest retail deals. We've received word that bleeding-edge celebrity trend purveyor Kitson has slashed prices on its remaining inventory of Cambodian orphans (the much more popular "Zahara" line of Ethiopian babies sold out weeks ago—sorry, no rainchecks!) in hopes of finding the adorable, overstocked tykes (pictured above; mohawk kit sold separately) suitably fashionable homes before the holidays. As a special bonus, the first dozen shoppers to mention Defamer will also receive a "Team Jolie" tote bag, free of charge!

• Two dudes posted a request for "Hot Sketch Comedy" on every Craigslist in the country, and a year later, the resultant show, aptly titled "Found on Craigslist," takes stage at Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre. And if it's found on Craigslist, you know what that means: herpes for everyone! [Upcoming]
• Our basic understanding of Haino Keiji is that he randomly bangs on some guitars and calls it music. The catch is, he rarely does so here in the US — so hop on his innovation train tonight at the Stone. [flavorpill]
• Just when you thought they'd gone and taken their Saran-Wrap with them, Christo and Jeanne-Claude, the duo responsible for the Gates, peddle their new book on the project tonight at the Strand. Count how many times they say "saffron" from 6:30-8. [Strand]

• Against all odds, Queens rockers Diamond Nights manage to operate on a level that unites both 80's hair bands and hipsters. It's not often that the worlds of guilty pleasures and coolness collide, but we'll be at the Bowery Ballroom tonight, air-guitar in tow, when they do. [flavorpill]
• Speaking of debilitatingly dorky interests being glorified by the season: video games! In public! F NDE RAZOR takes over Barcade tonight, offering booze, games, and a chance to win an Xbox 360, all for a good cause—100% of proceeds benefit The Children's Hospital of Montefiore in the Bronx. [Joel Johnson]
• Feel like you should discuss your masturbation habit rather than continue down the path of gratification? Jonathan Ames hosts The Moth reading of "Can't Help It: Stories About Compulsions" tonight at The Players. Doors open at 7; self-love begins promptly at 8. [Upcoming]

• The DJs from Digable Planets perform tonight at the Canal Room as a part of Giant Step's Annual Toy Drive, this year benefiting the children affected by Hurricane Katrina. A list of banned toys includes Super Soakers and Slip'n'Slides, but classic Water Wings will be accepted. [flavorpill]
• Remember the first time you read Song of Myself as an angsty 15-year-old? Uh, no, of course, we don't either! But apparently people adore Walt Whitman, what with his yawps and his multitudes, and so Harold Bloom, Michael Cunningham and poet J.D. McClatchy convene to read and discuss Leaves of Grass on its 150th birthday. 92nd St. Y, tonight at 8. [Paper]
• As though it's a new thing to hate, loathe, and despise Wal-mart, the good folks at DCTV offer a screening of Wal-mart: The High Cost of Low Price and a follow-up discussion with Liza Featherstone, "leading Wal-mart critic." Wish we'd known that was a career option. [Upcoming]

Brimming with seasonal cheer and seeking to celebrate Christmas in the time-honored tradition of garish lawn-decorating, a Cranston, RI man has erected a holiday-themed shrine to the modern embodiment of glad tidings and goodwill to man, Paris Hilton. It didn't take long for the media to arrive and solicit opinions from awestruck neighbors:

• Marina Abramovic's Balkan Erotic Epica features, among other images meant to illustrate the role of sexuality in Balkan culture, "a young girl in peasant garb caught in the throes of self-induced passion." We're pretty sure that's just code for "amateur chick masturbating on tape," but if you need artsy language to justify your hobby, then we're not judging. [flavorpill]
• If you can actually breathe through the cloud of depression and self-indulgence that results when 20 authors gather in one room, perhaps you can make a purchase or two tonight at The Powerhouse Annual Book Signing Extravanganza. [Paper]
• As nothing does, in fact, compare to an Irish, bisexual Rastafarian with a shaved head and piercing blue eyes, Sin ad O'Connor takes the stage herself tonight at Webster Hall. Bring a photo of your most treasured icon for the after-party. [Upcoming]