Today's release of Paris Hilton's most eagerly anticipated film to date, the much-hyped remake of House of Wax, has the critics polishing their celebutante-eviscerating knives. Here's the obligatory bad review round-up, presented in order of increasingly "dripping" sarcasm:

Who says we have to choose? Can't Michael Jackson be the kind of creepy clown that gives kids wine, calls it "Jesus Juice," then shows them some porn as a warm-up to an inappropriate sleepover in his bed? Leno, on the other hand, can be the kind of creepy clown who devotes his monologue to "such topics as electrocution and prison rape" and jests "about the possibility of Jackson attempting suicide." First, cultural critics and pointy-headed types like Elaine Showalter should stay off our turf. Secondly, when did Leno's monologue get funny? Eh, we're not going to lose any sleep over it. We're sure his prison rape and suicide jokes are hacky anyway.

In a letter in the current issue of The New Yorker, Owen Wilson defends on- and off-screen buddy Ben Stiller from getting pushed around by movie critic/big bully David Denby. (Click on the picture of the pals to see a scan of the letter or read the transcription below.) Unsurprisingly, Wilson's is a much more eloquent (and funny) response than the full-page attack ad that Rob Schneider unleashed on the LAT's Patrick Goldstein last week. Note especially Wilson's subtle invocation of the threat of violence, and contrast with Schneider's near-promise of bloodshed. In any case, we're witnessing a hot new trend being born in Hollywood—we're sure dozens of actors are learning how to write so they can publicly dress down unkind critics.

From the NY Post's Sunday story on esteemed film critic Roger Ebert: