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Today's release of Paris Hilton's most eagerly anticipated film to date, the much-hyped remake of House of Wax, has the critics polishing their celebutante-eviscerating knives. Here's the obligatory bad review round-up, presented in order of increasingly "dripping" sarcasm:

· "The characters are about as intelligent as their waxen alter-egos, making it impossible to care too much about what happens to them." [Variety]

· "When the cast starts wondering where the roadkill is, someone says, "Follow the smell." Good tip: That's how you'll know where Wax is playing." [USA Today]

· "In this film, Paris is the brains of the outfit." [Milwaukee Journal-Sentinel]

· "House of Wax is Paris Hilton’s best movie." [About.com]

· "That's hot." [Slant]

More Wax-bashing fun can be found at Metacritic and Rotten Tomatoes.