Last week, we mentioned a positively terrifying story from Halloween: A man, dressed as a fireman for Halloween, tricked his victim into thinking there was a fire, then forced himself into her Chelsea apartment and sexually assaulted her for nearly 13 hours. This weekend brought major developments in the case, courtesy of the Daily News: The primary suspect is 41-year-old Peter Braunstein, a freelance writer who worked for Women's Wear Daily and the Village Voice, and who was also, it seems, batshit insane.

Big news in TabloidTown: Daily News reveals that their rivals at the Post have ties to La Cosa Nostra.

• Yes, we are painfully aware that bits and pieces of Kevin Federline's ear-slicing new album have infected the internet. We're also aware that he raps with a sibilant "s" sound, but we think that just adds to the je ne sais quoi of his musical abortion. [Stereogum]
• You may have missed your chance to sleep with Elvis, but there's still a huge window on humping the dude who slept with a girl who slept with a '70s child actor who slept with Ann-Margret who slept with Elvis. [Craigslist]
• Proving that it is the ultimate in frat-boy evil, email newsletter Thrillist gives all lazy men the key to maintaining their relationships while secretly being a dick. [Thrillist]
• As if a rapist fireman-impersonator weren't bad enough, NYC now has a fake David Cross slumming the streets in search of tail! [The Apiary]
• Local political nutcase Chris X. Brodeur receives much-needed downtime in jail. [Gothamist]
• Hart+Larsson is hiring Kate Moss, and only Kate Moss. [Hart+Larsson via AdRants]
• Google continues to take over the world — but we'll be damned if we let those boy geniuses near our TiVo. [BigShinyThing]

There's a terrifying story today about a man who dressed as a fireman for Halloween, lit a fire outside a woman's Chelsea apartment, and then sexually assaulted her for 12 hours. Thankfully, the Post lightens the mood a little bit by pairing the piece with a photograph of Lindsay Lohan in her firefighter Halloween costume. The laughter eases the horror, no?

From the always-interesting lost and found section on Craigslist:

2:50 PM ET. Still no indictments.

There have been no real advances in pen technology since the space pen... until now. Presenting, from Susblood Labs in research haven Las Vegas, NV, the ballpoint pen that will actually bring peace to the middle east.

• Daily News publisher and editorial director Martin Dunn calls employee Lloyd Grove a "fucking idiot" with a "stupid" column. Christ, we don't even talk like that! Grove, however, bends over and takes the abuse — and probably likes it. [Page Six]
• Meanwhile, Lloyd doesn't help his case by calling the upcoming Johnny Cash biopic Ring of Fire when it's actually Walk the Line. Alas, the harsh permanence of print journalism. [Lowdown]
• Newsflash: Celebs carry guns and probably want to shoot you! [Page Six]
• Should Janet Jackson be more upset about a video of her sunbathing semi-nude that's currently circulating the interweb, or would it be the secret teenage daughter that's really bugging her? [Scoop]
• Actor Omar Sharif gets wasted, mercilessly beats valet. In Shariff's defense, the valet was Mexican. [R&M]

We love the adorably named "lushworkers," who work hard to keep NYC EDGY by preying on sleeping straphangers. The impish thieves (or so we imagine them to be, what, with that cute monikor of theirs) ruin commuter naptime by cutting their victims' pants and stealing wallets, cell phones, and whatever else one might have shoved in there. How do they get away with it?

• Greg Mitchell, establishing his cred with an ultra-obscure Dylan reference, mentions the rarely mentioned: "Keller's defense of Miller pre-dates the Plame case. The Times not only apparently failed to punish her for her WMD reporting ..., it went out of its way to shield her from embarrassment. "
• And he sends us off to Howard Kurtz's piece on the frustrations of anonymous Times staffers with their bosses. "Worse than Jayson Blair" is the new black. Former Timesman and major league asshole Adam Clymer sez everyone's still a little sore about Judy's behavior as deputy Washington bureau chief back in the day.
• Jay Rosen goes off on a glorious tear of speculation. It's a thing of beauty.
• Any day now, guys. Any day now.

New York Times New York/Region Section, October 11, 2003:

First we won the Snark War, now we're winning the Drug War — do Tuesdays get any better for dyspeptic addicts?

• The latest in celebrity drug abuse: Boy George was arrested this weekend for cocaine posession. The face-painting 80's icon called the NYPD to investigate a break-in at his downtown apartment, wherein they fould a nice bag of the marching powder. Naturally, George claims the drugs weren't his (he has a lot of company, you know, quite the hostess!), but he'll still be in court on December 19 to deal with the matter. [Reuters]
• For a mere $2 million, you can be the proud owner of SeanPrestonFederline.com. Worth every penny, we think. [eBay]
• Freedom of speech does not extend to t-shirts worn on Southwest Airlines flights. [Southwest]
• Times opera boy Anthony Tommasini insists on describing his male subjects as "strapping," which is only slightly less obvious than "glistening" or "potent." [Parterre]
• The NYC celebrity assistants posse learns how to sell their bosses on pink feather Christmas trees, adult bibs, and the fine art of re-gifting. 'Tis the season to be a cheap bastard! [NYM]

You can now officially stop going about your daily business with steely determination in the face of terror, and return to going about it with quiet desperation:

Click to embiggen

The Post reports:

We hate stereotypes, we really do. But when 15-year-old Frankie Gotti Agnello, the grandson of mob kingpin John Gotti, opens a fucking tanning salon on Jericho Turnpike in Long Island, calls it Gotti Tans, and arrives for the opening in a white Hummer limousine? Well, then we know it's okay to suggest that should Frankie's tanning salon fall through, the young Gotti already has alternate business plans in place for a jewelry store, a construction company, and a greaseball factory.

After heartlessly laughing at her yesterday, we are thrilled to report that little Isabelle Avins — or, as the Post calls her, STAB BABY — is A-OK. She's seen here back on the EDGY streets of Washington Heights with her nanny/sabbath goy — who, we hope, is getting some sort of bonus for offering herself up as a human shield:

Remember last June, when the St. Marks Kim's Video was raided and all the employees hauled to jail?

Whether you think the Times writing about itself is more like "O.J. promising to hunt down the real killers" or "like reading Pravda about the Kremlin 20 years ago", there's something for everyone in Kit Seelye's Party Crash: Judy Is Elected Homecoming Queen by the New York Times. Watch the video, the outtakes from which are sure to be an office Christmas party favorite!