This Thursday, Scotland Yard will release their final report on the 1997 auto crash that killed Princess Diana and her loverman Dodi Fayed. The greater mystery may be why anyone still cares, unless it's an attempt to drum up buzz for a 10-year anniversary series of commemorative plates. Nevertheless, other than the fact that yep, it was a drunk driving accident, one little leaked nugget has the British press claiming that the "American secret service" was bugging Diana's phone line at her Paris hotel without knowledge or consent of British (or, one presumes, French) authorities. Again, seems unlikely due to the who-cares factor, but remember — this was after the end of the Cold War but before 9/11, when American spy agencies didn't have a real job, and thus were up to all kinds of crazy pointless crap. Plus, blogs hadn't been invented yet.

Britrocker and Kate Moss manbutter supplier Pete Doherty may have been caught with heroin and crack in his car while ostensibly in drug rehab, but that's nothing a few hundred pounds and a break from driving can't fix. Making his weekly court appearance, Doherty didn't pretend to wince at this slap on the wrist, even enjoying a compliment from the judge for one of his songs. He now has a few days to try and figure out just what, exactly, one has to do in London in order to actually go to jail these days. We look forward to more progress from what must surely be the most tolerant (if not successful) rehab program in the world.

If you ride the N, your trip will eventually be more aesthetically pleasing (or less, depending on your tastes). The Sun reports that:

"OK, Ms. Campebll, I'll go high, he goes low, you hit it straight up the middle." While contending with new charges that she's a "violent super bigot," Naomi Campbell stood in Manhattan Criminal Court for all of three minutes today, apparently not even stopping for a kosher hot dog on the sidewalk. The court convened to consider charging her with second-degree assault for opening up her housekeeper's head with a hurled cell phone. The judge set a new hearing date (January 16) while prosecutors and Campbell's lawyers try to work out a plea deal; she faces up to seven years of supermodel prison hottness, if convicted.

VISA and Mastercard may have shut off credit payments at the controversial, illegal-everywhere-but-Russia-and-possibly-in-Russia-too cheap music site AllofMP3.com (where users pay about 10 cents a song for popular, mostly American music that sure as hell isn't properly licensed).

Finally brought to book on charges that he kicked a reporter on the way out of court the last time he was brought to book on charges, Kate Moss cocaine-impregnatron and Babyshambler Pete Doherty was ordered to pay $2,255 in various fines. The aspiring fashionistard

CBS reports a development in the Adrienne Shelly murder-or-suicide story:

Apparently immune to self-inflicted irony, BusinessWeek's online division has launched an Orwellian campaign to catch an internal leaker, while publishing a Halloween-themed article entitled "Scary Co-Workers." After all, "who hasn't indulged in the guilty pleasure of office scuttlebutt with a Gossip, or been marginally entertained by The Pessimist's conspiracy theories?" BW management has done neither, apparently. The personhunt has been launched to track down who leaked internal emails relating to speculation about the identity of a commenter ("Martin Smithers") who habitually and suspiciously praises the mag to the heavens. We hear that a "forensic audit" of emails has been ordered to figure out whence the leak sprung, and all IMs will now be surveilled. An even stranger rumor has boss Kathy Rebello hiring some sort of prose expert to compare the writing of employees versus that of the leaker, thus snaring the perpetrator in some kind of Da Vinci Code literary trap. Perhaps now is the time to report to the public square for a voluntary self-criticism session, before it becomes mandatory.

How awesome is this story?

At the risk of stepping on the toes of both Deadspin and Idolator, we follow up the Fabolous shooting on Tuesday morning. What seemed like your typical New York-rapper-gets-shot story has taken a turn for the curious.

AllofMP3, the most popular of Russia's hardly-legal cheap-music-download sites, launched another verbal attack at its enemies, this time the Visa and Mastercard companies (who recently blocked AllofMP3 from using their online payment systems, after pressure from the music industry). The company called Visa's and Mastercard's decisions "arbitrary, capricious and discriminatory," says the Register.

The Amish schoolhouse shootings can be appreciated on so many levels. There's the murder thing, and the child-killing thing, and the deranged maniac thing, and then the school violence thing. Plus you got the extra shock value from the violence happening in Amish country, which has a reputation as a rather peaceful place. So all in all: shocking. But if you're Bob Herbert at the New York Times, you can always find something else to be shocked about, and even more, you can be shocked that other people aren't as sufficiently shocked as you would prefer. Hence Herbert's "Why Aren't We Shocked?" from earlier this week — and by the way, the more we think about it, the more we like that headline as a sort of universal catch-all for angry finger-wagging journalism in general. Anyway, Herbert points out that the Amish shooting victims were all girls (boys and adults were released by the killer), and given the killer's apparent intent to molest/rape the girls, there's a misogyny angle that deserves equal, shockworthy coverage as well. Since this angle wasn't much discussed in mainstream media coverage of the shootings, Herbert is, of course, shocked.

As if we needed any more signs that New York has become pretty irrelevant on the hip hop map, Brooklyn rapper Fabolous attempted to generate publicity for his upcoming album, but fell short of full martyrdom and was arrested for his troubles, according to WCBS. He remains in less than fab, but stabulous condition.

In a delightful fit of nostalgia, the Daily News skips over to Rikers for an exclusive interview with former Voice/WWD scribe and fake firefighter/rapist Peter Braunstein. Yet in terms of quotables from the interview, the Daily News comes up incredibly short: Braunstein remembers the incident as a "blur" and he readily admits, "I'm the raving lunatic." And, in case you're wondering how Braunstein's doing otherwise (remarkably, we weren't), he's looking way too "pudgy" to pull off those heels and fur coat that he stole from his victim.

Good thing MySpace can't possibly be worth $20 billion as a crazed analyst projected last week — because if it is, ousted founder Brad Greenspan has a bone to pick.

Despite the announcement that Patricia Dunn will surrender to authorities now that California Attorney General Bill Lockyer indicted her with the felony of fraudulently obtaining phone records, she may never see trial. The former chairwoman of Hewlett-Packard is starting chemotherapy for ovarian cancer, after beating cancer twice before.

We like to think that we're pretty much unshockable — especially when it comes to, say, Fox News. But prepare to have not just your socks knocked off, but also your feet, legs, groin, and thorax. Infamous hatepreacher Fred Phelps — the Godhatesfags.com guy whose congregation of lunatics routinely pickets the funerals of gays, soldiers, miners, or pretty much anyone dead — has threatened to picket today's funerals for four of the five Amish girls murdered in Pennsylvania on Monday. Phelps's daughter, Shirley Phelps-Roper, explained thusly:

California's attorney general plans to indict former Hewlett-Packard chair Patricia Dunn for her role in investigating a boardroom news leak, according to the New York Times. Other indictees will include a former HP senior lawyer and three outside investigators.

Attention Carter boys, this is how it's done. Last week, marginally legendary drag queen Flotilla DeBarge got involved in a scrap with two patrons at the Meatpacking District's Apt., which is desperately referred to as "a West Village club" in said article. Witnesses claim DeBarge didn't start the fight, but she finished it with interest, trouncing the offending seat-grabbing man and his date with her high-heeled shoes. DeBarge — perhaps most widely known for impersonating Star Jones on an anti-fur PETA calendar — reportedly spent the week at Rikers, but may have been released on bail by Friday. She joins Suzetta as another vintage-era Meatpacking habitu now finding the neighborhood less than commodious. Join Mickey Rourke in boycotting!

In a short interval between panda strokes and greenmarket browsing, Gothamist launches their News Map, a Google Maps contraption that tracks raw data from emergency calls around New York. Only the most bare minimum of data, and some of the truncated call event descriptions (especially those in the "Unmapped Incidents" box) are kind of hilarious. "Shots Fired" and "Perp Search" are pretty self-explanatory, but how do the authorities handle an "Unusual Occurence" at Battery Place and West Street? Lots of outer-borough danger as well; Brooklyn sports a "Bias Attack" and "Trauma," among other unpleasantness.