According to Tragic cop-slugging anger-woman Alycia Lane's boyfriend Chris Booker, the lovable fired newscaster has been offered a job with World Wrestling Entertainment. [HuffPo]

Proving that Russia is wondrous strange and a little very scary, the trashy Brit tabloid the Daily Mail has the story of the inordinately beautiful Russian bodyguard Anna Loginova who was killed trying to prevent her Porsche from being carjacked. She didn't succeed. Loginova ran a lady bodyguard service for "Russia's billionaires, wives and mistresses" in which beautiful KGB-trained women would provide companionship and protection for people we assume looked like Viggo Mortensen in Eastern Promises but less dreamily sinister and more just sinister. More details and, duh, half nudie shots after the jump.

Do you want to read ten tragic pages about the life of mixed-up cop-slugging former fucking reporter you fucking dyke Alycia Lane? It's got everything—crying to Dr. Phil, emailing bikini photos to Rich Eisen's wife, and, yes, slugging a lady cop. In Philadelphia those three actions basically make you the equivalent of Britney Spears, public meltdown-wise. [Philadelphia Mag]

The first civil suit against alleged former Radar investor and theoretical billionaire Jeffrey Epstein is underway! An anonymous 14-year-old girl is suing Epstein for $50 million for various terrible, terrible things. Epstein, you see, (allegedly!) enjoys the company of destitute young teenagers. According to Jane Doe, an Epstein associate would offer the girls $200 to $300 for performing a simple massage on a creepy billionaire. When they arrived in his bedroom, Epstein would "remove his towel, lay down naked on the massage table, and direct the girl to remove her clothes. He then would perform one or more lewd, lascivious and sexual acts, including masturbation and touching the girl's vagina with a vibrator." Then he would pay them. Don't worry, Epstein fans: Page Six has been on top of this story since well before day one and they already peremptorily attacked the credibility of any girl anywhere who might eventually come forward with similar stories. [Radar]

Who doesn't remember being a young lad making chump change biking around your neighborhood flinging the local paper onto doorsteps at five in the morning? Being a newsie was as much a rite of passage for America's suburban youth as it was to make some money. But kids these days, yeesh! Just no work ethic. Well, the work ethic is there, the love of newspapers too but the respect for John Q. Law isn't. Turns out in Colorado, thieves are stealing those newspaper machines at an alarming (and industrious) rate. From Folio: "Thefts of newspaper machines in a pair of Colorado counties-Greeley and Weld-have reached high levels, with the 47th Tribune newspaper dispenser stolen this week." More sordid details of the world gone wrong after the jump.

Bo Stefan Eriksson, the mad genius behind the portable videogame system Gizmondo, deputy commissioner of antiterrorism in a Southern California police force, and wrecker of a perfectly good Ferrari Enzo, was released from jail today. To honor his newfound freedom, revisit the tale of his spectacular crackup as chronicled by Randall Sullivan in Wired.

Brooklyn-born Jose Padilla was arrested on suspicion of terrorism-liking in May of 2002. We tortured him for three years in a South Carolina brig, without charging him with anything, until people starting getting kind of upset about that whole mess and the Government sent him to Miami to be tried for some boring old counts of conspiracy. He's been sentenced to 17 years in prison, a tad short of the life sentence the government sought for Padilla's signing his name on a piece of paper that someone wrote "al-Qaeda" on or whatever the fuck he actually did. Anyway, one liberal pet cause down, now we can all refocus on freeing Mumia from Gitmo. [AP]

Cop-slugging Philly anchor woman Alycia Lane—fired from her affiliate and reportedly contemplating a wrongful dismissal suit against them—is selling her luxury Philadelphia condo. There's no word yet on where she's moving (besides HOT LADIES' PRISON). [NYP]

Here's what these two gentlemen, Rudy Villanueva and Tony Logan, told police in a recent YouTube video:

Brocade CEO Gregory Reyes, one of the earliest targets of the stock-options backdating scandal and the first exec convicted for said mess, has received a 21-month stay behind bars. His tears didn't save him from 10 counts of securities fraud. [WSJ]

Salim Ismail's incompetence as a manager may have brought the wrath of the IRS down on Yahoo. One of his employees at Brickhouse, Yahoo's San Francisco incubator, has moved abroad while being classified, for tax purposes, as "working at home." There are a number of steps companies ought to take when employing a U.S. citizen living abroad, but Ismail apparently skipped them. Now, one of the employee's coworkers has received a summons from the IRS's Criminal Investigation Division, where are investigators are looking into a case of tax fraud. While any penalties Yahoo might pay are small in comparison to the Web giant's bottom line, they'd certainly speak to the sloppy management that's been given a pass at Yahoo for far too long. (Photo by irisheyes)

The T-Mobile Sidekick has become a favorite target of muggers and thieves throughout New York and the nation. In response, the NYPD has decided to harass teenagers and New York Times blogger Sewell Chan has decided to explain what a "Sidekick" is: "The Sidekick — sometimes encrusted with Swarovski crystal — has been a popular accessory for celebrities like Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan. It has even made its way onto an album by the young rapper Soulja Boy Tell'em." (The link goes to Times music crit Kalefa Sannah's review of Soulja Boy's surprisingly longer than one track debut album, which does seem to indicate that that is the official Times stylebook-approved way to punctuate Mr. Tell'em's name.) [NYT]

Will someone please think of the children? One could see Helen Lovejoy, the hysterical reverend's wife on The Simpsons, taking up this cause: Eliminating sexual predators on MySpace. Six state attorneys general have announced, with MySpace, a "joint statement" on making social networks safer for children. The principles are lofty; the actions promised, few. Most amount to technical upgrades in MySpace's privacy needed to keep the site competitive with Facebook.

Roger Avary, the guy who wrote 'Pulp Fiction' but isn't Quentin Tarantino, was arrested for killing a man in a car. He was charged with vehicular manslaughter and DUI on Sunday after a fatal car crash. The life of Avary, a direct descendent of a Canadian pirate, is a parable of Hollywood's need for oppositional characters like Vincent Vega and Jules Winnfield, Art Buchwald and Paramount Pictures, or Quentin and Avary. Though after 'Pulp Fiction' Avary went on to write 'Killing Zoe' and 'Rules of Attraction' by the time of the accident, the last project he had worked on was that shitty animated version of 'Beowulf'. And then he got drunk, drove and killed a man. In fact, it would make a great non-linear neo-noir movie except the only one to write it is in jail.

Did Lizzie Grubman... lie? The celebrity publicist is a convicted felon, and New York doesn't allow incarcerated felons or parolees to vote. After parole, though, they're fine! They can vote any time they like! And according to a cursory Google search, Grubman received five years' probation for running over those people in the Hamptons. She was sentenced in 2002. It's 2008. So it seems like she could vote this year, if she really wanted to! Someone tell us if we're wrong here, we can't bear to imagine the possibility that Lizzie and Page Six misled us. [People] [Previously]

In 2001, Broadway star James Barbour received an illegal blowjob from (or, as the Times invariably refers to it, performed a "sex act" with) a 15-year-old groupie. He first met and "fondled" the aspiring actress when she met him backstage after a performance of "Jane Eyre" she attended with her parents, thanks to her drama teacher. The 'sex act' happened a month later at his place. As part of the plea bargain, Barbour has agreed to admit his immoral behavior "to anybody he works for in film, television or theater for up to the next three years." Which seems equal part sex offender punishment and total bragging. How often do stage actors get groupie action?! Even if they did play the damn Beast! Barbour's next role: Sidney Carton in "A Tale of Two Cities." Far, far better thing he did, etc. [NYT]

So, what was last Saturday's police raid on The Cock, the notorious East Village gay bar, all about? Late at night, the left of The Cock is lined with cocksuckers, but that wasn't the draw for the NYPD. The cops, who shut down the bar, were asking after Man Parrish, one-time pioneer of electronic dance music in the US, who now runs a dance party at The Cock. The police missed Parrish. The party promoter, a Studio 54 veteran and friend of Klaus Nomi, was indeed outside the venue; but his party, the aidsiliciously named Sperm, is on Sunday nights, and Parrish was just handing out flyers. Oops: should have checked the latest issue of HX. If anyone knows why Parrish, pictured right, is on the run, email tips. After the jump, some bonus trivia: what, going back to the Stonewall Riots, do the big police raids of gay bars have in common?

Salvatore "Bill" Bonanno, media hound eldest son of late mob boss Joe "Bananas" Bonanno, died early this morning of a heart attack. Bonanno joined his father's business early, spent years as Joe's adviser, ended up as a subject of a Gay Talese book, then wrote his own cash-in mob memoir, and even "co-produced a 1999 miniseries based on the autobiography of his father." He was 75 and spent a good decade longer in prison than his murderous father, so let's not begrudge him the crappy books too much. [AP]

New Jersey has banned two types of convicted sex offenders from the Internet for life. Those who used the Web to help commit their crimes are the main category. Exceptions are made for those who use computers to work. On a gut level, the new law seems like a no-brainer. Some would say that's the problem.

1800 rookie cops—actually, only 900 new ones, if that's really how many graduated from the Academy this year—are being sent out "to patrol high-crime pockets that have resisted the overall crime drop" in New York City. Wait, 900? "That's funny... I only counted about 650 cops at graduation," writes a poster on NYPD Rant, who has some suggestions for questions that reporters might ask of the NYPD. Anyway! The good news: The murder rate is at an astonishing low! So will it work? Or will a bunch of gun-toting youngsters who make $25,100 a year just end up, you know, bumping the murder rate back up? Time will tell! Maybe just don't make any sudden moves on the street starting tomorrow, okay?