The Times breathlessly reports today that Eliot Spitzer is under investigation for illegally using campaign funds for his illicit tryst with America's Whore, Ashley "Kristen" "Alexandra Dupre" Youmans. It's on Drudge! It's a scandal! Except it looks like bullshit! The hedging lede: "Federal prosecutors are investigating whether Gov. Eliot Spitzer used campaign funds in connection with his meetings with prostitutes, including payments for hotels or ground transportation, three people with knowledge of the investigation said." Which means maybe (just maybe! it's total speculation!) the multi-millionaire governor paid for Kristen's cab or room with an American Express card that might be connected to Spitzer 2010, his campaign committee. The rest of the story hinges on whether you believe that Spitzer's trips to to DC and Florida and Texas were for the express purpose of fucking whores and not testifying before Congress and attending fundraisers. We look forward to a federal case based on whether Spitzer's whore-lust drove his political appearances, or vice versa. Come on, America! Let's justify criminal prosecution based purely on our disgust with the man's moral reprehensibility by claiming it's a violation of the public trust! [NYT]

How much chaos can two knucklehead filmmaking students (can anyone confirm NYU? It's a hunch we have.) cause on a quiet Tuesday afternoon? Plenty if they're on top of Kate Hudson's house with "sniper rifles" for some reason! Police helicopters hovered over King and Varick in the Village and terrified office-workers emailed us. Even after Us Weekly reported the arrest of these three idiotic future Uwe Bolls your tales of bravery continued to roll in. Like this one, from an architecture firm, with a subject line simply reading "BEWARE":

Jared Massey got pulled over by a cop while he was driving through Utah. The cop tasered him because, well, I guess he kinda wrinkled his face a bit, and took a step in a certain direction, so he had no choice, or something. Jared put the video clip of his arrest on YouTube and got close to 2 million hits. Now, he's won $40,000 in a civil suit [The Lede]. Is this story going to get much more play than it should because it is further evidence of YOUTUBE and the INTERNET changing EVERYTHING? Yes it is. The full video of Jared's very bad traffic stop, after the jump.

Governor Eliot Spitzer apparently got one of those street-smart hookers with hearts of gold. He had, as the attached passage shows, a reputation as something of a difficult client. But "Kristen"? She straightened him out. The Smoking Gun has posted the Spitzer-relevant portions of the FBI affidavit detailing the operation of the Emperors Club, in case you were curious about how a governor goes about setting up a date while he's on a business trip. [TSG]

Software developer Hans Reiser, standing trial for the murder of his ex-wife Nina Reiser, yesterday told jurors he suspects she and her boyfriend stole $150,000 from Reiser's company. Reiser's defense lawyers say Nina had a sadomasochistic affair with Reiser's friend, self-described serial killer Sean Sturgeon, and has now fled to Russia. Judge Larry Goodman thinks all that's irrelevant and has struck much of it from the record. Defense attorney William Du Bois told reporters it's unfair:

One of the biggest weed-selling crews in New York was also behind a record label that distributed Wyclef Jean and a slew of reggae stars. The John Shop Crew was a violent, murderous gang moving a literal ton of marijuana per week from California; John Shop Records was the label they started with the profits. I see the subtle connection! Eight members of the crew were found guilty on gun and drug charges yesterday and could face up to life in prison [NYDN]. According to a 2002 article, John Shop was one of the three top weed crews in the city, and was locked in an ongoing drug war responsible for at least a dozen murders. Perhaps a reason to give your record label a different name. The label's motto was "Being real to the music, never hustle the music." No time to hustle the music when you're hustling all that REEFER, ha. John Shop's personal history [MySpace] of how they "made the music and they made the party" is below—inserting "and we passed around unlimited weed and cash" helps it all make sense.

New York's latest sex fiend has been spotted on film! The villain who attacked two separate women in the West Village early Sunday morning was captured briefly by a surveillance camera while standing in a doorway. The mockery of a man was fought off by both women and forced to flee with his weasel tail between his legs [NYP]. One victim in fact confirmed that the rogue "looked like a little punk." The surveillance video below offers only a glimpse of the scoundrel; if any clue arises, contact your local constabulary. [Day Editor's note: Sometimes Hamilton, like all of us, gets a little too excited after reading a Post report of a sensational crime. Forgive his perhaps inappropriate old-timey language.]

When police began investigating software developer Hans Reiser, now standing trial for the murder of his ex-wife Nina Reiser, Reiser had a habit of bolting at the sight of television cameras. Today, Reiser finally told his side of the story, taking the witness stand to defend himself in court. Reiser told jurors he last saw his wife on September 3, 2006, when she dropped their children off at his place for the weekend. He said she came in and together, they made lunch for the children. They talked about their divorce. Then she left. She disappeared shortly thereafter and her body has never been found. (Previous coverage.)

Newspaper magnate, British Lord, former Canadian and convicted criminal Conrad Black, Baron Black of Crossharbour, reports today to Coleman Federal Prison in Florida to serve his 78 months for mail fraud and obstruction of justice. He wrote a lengthy, self-pitying column to the New York Sun, formerly one of his holdings, to announce that he quite loves American justice, even though he was wrongfully convicted and all that. Amusingly, Black would be serving time in a much nicer Canadian prison if it weren't for the fact that he renounced his citizenship to get that title. But he's not bitter! Not at all! Do these sound like the words of a bitter man?

Alycia Lane, the Philly newsanchor who "slugged" a lady cop in New York last December, may have been fired from her station before she even went to trial, but that's not enough for the Gay Officers Action League (or GOOOOAAALLL), who would like the charges against Lane un-reduced. They are upset because before the slugging, Lane called the officer a "fucking dyke." [Soup Cans]

The office manager of The Oxford American, the best totally unread magazine in America, embezzled $30,000 from the beleaguered publication, it was revealed earlier this month. (BREAKING: The Oxford American had $30,000!) [PW]

Yesterday we noted the death of Paul Mento, whose body was found gagged with duct tape in a bathtub at Bay Ridge's Best Western Gregory Hotel, site of another recent murder. We also mocked the fact that police were "investigating the death as suspicious." No shit, right? Well, it turns out that Mento's death was in fact a suicide. And that's not all—he was a former executive with the AP.

"Socialite Ana Anisimova was robbed of her suitcases at Prince's party and chased the thief barefoot - but he disappeared into the back yard and has not been caught." [Page Six]

Silver-maned CNN heartthrob Anderson Cooper's New Year's Resolution was to "blog more." And blog more he has, taking time during the commercial breaks of his nightly CNN program to join in the online discussion of the events of the day. But, as he explained last night to Conan O'Brien, this allows his "stalkers" to find him. Stalkers like the woman—"clearly deranged," in the words of Cooper—who crashed his book signing and made him take a crazy letter. Then, King of Comedy-style, she ended up in his waiting limo. Thanks to blogging, and to bloggers like us, and like him, stalking Anderson Cooper is apparently not that hard. It's easier than stalking Conan, as we learn in the anecdote's surprise twist ending. Full clip attached. [NBC]

Another day, another celebushoplifter. But this time it's Britney, y'all! She was spotted on Saturday leaving Fred Segal's in Beverly Hills wearing a $200 black long-sleeved shirt she hadn't paid for. But just when when we were about to accept her into the Winona Ryder School of Hard Knocks (as opposed to the more pedestrian Bai Ling School of Batteries), we read the article a second time and came across this disheartening detail: "She has previously been accused of swiping a disposable lighter from a garage last December and a wig from a sex shop last year." This got us thinking. While we know that we already made a Hedy Lamarr joke last week in reference to Bai Ling's arrest, we think it's high time to to compare and contrast Britney's falling and Hedy's fallen stars.

News of the child pornography case against [liberal, FYI] San Francisco talk radio host Bernie Ward gets creepier and creepier, as you might expect. The Smoking Gun has posted the 19-page police report on the case, which includes transcripts of IM conversations between Ward and the dominatrix he was chatting with, who turned him into the cops. Gold star for her. When he says "every so often an opportunity presents itself" to play with children, it's only a matter of time until his downfall. Selected transcripts after the jump—we've left in the key parts, legally speaking, but edited out most of the overt nastiness.

Day two of the UES internet-specializing psychotherapist hack attack story dawns with new surveillance video and the Post headlines "BUTCHER OF 79TH ST." and "CHILLING IMAGES AS MAD HACKER SLIPS IN FOR DEATH RAMPAGE." Our reader-submitted ones were better (headline above by commenter Gayyker). But the video of the psycho killer coming into the doctor's building with a big bag full of murder implements is pretty chilling. Watch it below.

Amid a drunken, 5:30 am street fight across from the Middletown Hotel, an SUV horrifically ran over a pedestrian on the sidewalk. The whole thing was caught on tape, shot from the hotel. On the video after the jump, you can hear people around the camera speaking in what sounds like French. Welcome to New York.

Fashion Designer Marc Jacobs' company is under investigation for giving $30,000 in goodies to use a historic New York armory at 25th and Lexington and for possibly underpaying taxpayers in the process. What, exactly, did Jacobs give 30-year state employee James Jackson in exchange for use of the armory? Exercise equipment, because apparently Jacobs can never stop trying to make everyone and everything look perfect and fabulous, and how is that a crime?! Oh also, he gave "illegal tips," but that was probably just for some new outfits because the old bureaucrat couldn't fit into samples. After the jump, director Sofia Coppola and novelist Francine Prose unwittingly provide advance warning of Jacobs' shenanigans.

Just two days after citing an Abercrombie store in Virginia Beach for obscenity for their sexy ads, police have dropped the charges. "Police confiscated the ads Saturday, saying they violated the city's obscenity law because some of the models were partially nude. One showed a group of shirtless male models and one has his jeans low enough to show a part of his buttocks... Virginia Beach city code says obscene material must be harmful to juveniles in order to be illegal, and [police chief] Cevera said the display ads 'did not quite rise to that level.'" [WVEC.com]