Abduwali Abdukhadir Muse, the surviving teenage Somali pirate, was back in court yesterday, making the best of his unplanned NYC visit. So far his main contribution has been to stimulate New York Post headline writers:

In your total ripoff Tuesday media column: the worst media internship offer in at least a couple days, flackery invades the media (moreso), and a J-school student would rather not help solve a murder:

How bad is it out there? So bad that innocent citizens are being assaulted in fawncy downtown NYC much more than they were last year! Panic! How bad is it really? It's not that bad:

Dolla, a 21 year-old Atlanta rapper signed to Akon's label, was shot and killed yesterday in the parking garage of an LA mall.

A college-aged man was shot at Harvard just before 5 p.m. Monday. He lived. Two to three suspected assailants remain at large.

The Way We Live Now: Besieged. New York City is crumbling into bloody class wars in the street, if selective anecdotes are any indication. Crime will follow you to your hotel! And, locusts! One day:

Hipster Grifter and Brooklyn superstar Kari Ferrell had her court hearing in Philly today and Doree Shafrir, the lone real reporter to ever have touched this story, was there. Kari told an untruth:

The Way We Live Now: Sick of it all. You work and work to stay positive and then one day you come across some superrich asshole whose yacht's decorated in endangered animal skins. Screw it.

Bernie Madoff's pitch to his investors, for decades: He offered high and consistent returns. The reason those investors are now getting sued: He offered high and consistent returns. Believing his sales pitch was criminally idiotic!

Ivy League-educated attorney Marc Dreier pleaded guilty yesterday to scamming various investors out of "at least" $400 million. Then he left court and returned to his $10 million condo. Being rich is nice!

In unforeseeable news, a married millionaire heir to the Dupont fortune was repeatedly extorted for thousands of dollars by women he met on a site where old rich guys find hot young money-hungry girlfriends.

Iran is abruptly freeing Roxana Saberi, the freelance American-Iranian journalist who'd been sentenced to eight years in prison last month for spying. US government arm-twisting wins! So what about those other jailed journalists?

The New York Times dropped a comprehensive profile on Wesleyan shooter Stephen P. Morgan this morning. And yes: he's exactly who you think he is.

If Johanna Justin-Jinich hadn't taken "Sexual Diversity in Society" at New York University in 2007, she might be alive today. Her ex-classmate, Stephen Morgan, is in custody after allegedly shooting her at Wesleyan University's bookstore.

Kiefer Sutherland was in a New York police precinct house for two hours, being charged with assault for headbutting someone at a Met Costume gala after-party. But he has yet to answer to Anna Wintour.

Police in Middleton, Conn. caught the man they believe executed Weselyan student Johanna Justin-Jinich. In fact, they had interviewed him at the scene of the crime.

Kiefer Sutherland turned up at the 1st Precinct this afternoon in connection with that little headbutting incident the other night after the Costume Institute Gala. (The actor, who arrived armed with a dangerously pointy umbrella, was charged with misdemeanor assault and issued a desk appearance ticket.) Much more concerning, though, is that he seems to have created a very powerful enemy in the process.

Ok, wait, no jokes: Wesleyan University is in lockdown as cops conduct a manhunt for a killer who shot his ex, a student, at a campus bookstore.

Two years ago it was probably really sweet to have Bernie Madoff give you a corporate credit card you could use to waste tons of money. Today, you'd wish you hadn't bought all that crap:

Kiefer Sutherland's going to surrender to New York police to answer an assault complaint after head-butting a designer at SubMercer the other night. This could end in torture for Sutherland's show, 24. Such delightful turnabout!