Bernie Madoff is the financial criminal of the past. Billionaire hedge fund chief Raj Rajaratnam is the financial criminal of the moment! Slick back your hair, watch Wall Street, and forget Ponzi schemes—insider trading is back, big time!

Billionaire hedge funder Raj Rajaratnam was arrested on Friday morning on charges he participated in one of the biggest insider trading schemes in recent memory, one that netted him at least $25 million (but possibly millions more since the investigation continues.) Fortunately for Rajaratnam, the high-profile bust didn't end up depriving him of a weekend of freedom. By the end of the day, he'd been released on $100 million bail—the highest in history—and had to give up his passport and agree not to travel more than 110 miles from New York City. And today? He was back in the office for what must have been the awkwardest Monday morning meeting ever, telling employees that he's innocent and plans to fight the charges against him.

Barack Obama is telling the feds to stop, like, totally freaking out, man, and take it easy on medical marijuana.

Here we go: Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden's saying that the local police will likely be pressing charges against Richard Heene. And someone claiming to be Richard Heene has left a long, substantial comment at TMZ trying to deflate speculation.

Bernie Madoff's Montauk digs went for $9.4M! Originally listed at $8.4M, the Corcoran Group's apparently the U.S. Marshals' favorite real estate agency. Proceeds go straight into to a Madoff victims fund, no word on the buyer. But the quotes? Priceless.

The local sheriff in Ft. Collins, Colo., is defending the Heene family, saying at a press conference that he doesn't think Richard and Mayumi Heene were faking their emotions during yesterday's ordeal.

For those who didn't get the message at Altamont: Sweat lodge deaths investigated as homicides.

Face-slashing pol Hiram Monserrate was found not guilty of felony assault, but they got him on a misdemeanor. He'll be sentenced in December. But now his fate rests with Albany Democrats. So he's fine.

Shady New York State Senator Hiram Monserrate has been found not guilty of slashing his girlfriend's face (she denied he did), and guilty of dragging her through a lobby (which was caught on tape). He's still a scumbag. [NYT]

The Way We Live Now: Lightheaded, from exhaustion. We can only survive on boiled shoe leather so long before our faculties grow weak. We got no home. We suck at crime. We've been reduced to recycling our own trend stories.

A Connecticut judge has unsealed the applications for search warrants for Joe Halderman, who is accused of attempting to extort David Letterman out of $2 million. Read the warrant for Halderman's house here, and for his car here.

The application for a search warrant for accused Letterman extortionist Joe Halderman's car.

The application for a search warrant for accused Letterman extortionist Joe Halderman's house.

Hiram Monserrate, the state senator who sliced up his girlfriend's face with a broken glass during a fight (and is officially New York's most evil politician) was found guilty of misdemeanor assault this afternoon. But was cleared of the two more felony charges against him, which means he'll be able to keep his seat in Albany. Sigh. [NYT]

Washington, DC PR man David Bass has a perfectly good explanation for why he was charged with a felony for disrupting a flight: He was all hopped up on Benadryl! He was awake traveling for five three days! He wanted wine!

Is this what we've become, people? An exceptionally twisted Ohio woman pretended she had won the lotto, went to a Burlington Coat Factory, offered to pay for everyone's purchases and bailed. The hopeful shoppers then proceeded to riot. [<a href="

When the internet was young and innocent, it was acceptable to "finger" college classmates. These days, a simple Facebook "poke" can land you in jail, in Tennessee, and CNN has to say "alleged" poking, because, hey, libel.

A letter from the Hipster Grifter's cellmate in her Utah jail. Would that be too much, in terms of "Wringing every last ounce from this mystifyingly popular story?" What about a Kari Ferrell pornography job offer? EH? You want it!

Kids these days sure know how to keep us horrified. Just when we think the little bastards can't get any more psychotic, five middle school boys have been arrested for setting a 15-year old classmate alight. Why?