Everybody thinks, oh, if things get too bad I'll just go on down to the bodega and rob the place, problem solved. Well yea, go ahead and think that, then you meet a clerk named Mustafa Yakupoglu, who will grab your big ass shotgun out of your hands and chase you out of his store, like a bunch of dudes scared of a man with a shotgun.

Billionaire real estate mogul Steve Roth has been unmasked as the lucky winner in the bidding for Bernie Madoff's Montauk $9.4 million beach house.

The Minnesota Supreme Court has ruled that bong water counts as a controlled substance, and you can be prosecuted for it. Who's that knocking on the door? Drink up, hippies.

Nearly a month after Roman Polanski was jailed in Switzerland, the U.S. has filed a formal demand for extradition so he can face sentencing for charges of unlawful sex with a minor. Litigation over the request could take six months.

Lil Wayne will be spending a year in jail in New York for gun possession. This marks the law's biggest blow against rap since they got Foxy Brown, Remy Ma, Lil Kim, Chi Ali, Prodigy, Saigon, Shyne, TI, and Mystikal.

In 2007, a "developmentally challenged" 20 year-old black woman said she'd been beaten and sexually abused in a racist attack in West Virginia. She's now recanting her story. This, of course, is all Al Sharpton's fault.

According to the Post, ex-publicist/alleged hacker Ali Wise doesn't have too many friends these days:

Check out this picture of disgraced Dolce & Gabbana flack-turned alleged felon voicemail hacker Ali Wise being like, "OMG...Muscle Milk Light?!" What? Oh, today's news: Ali Wise was mean, say snitches. Others say: Nuh uh!

So, that horrifying sweat lodge where Oprah-endorsed guru James Arthur Ray may or may not have inadvertently killed three people? NYT has some new eye witness reports, and they're as scary, icky, and infuriatingly New-Agey as you thought.

The Westchester County jail housing Bernard Kerik—after a federal judge revoked his bail yesterday for allegedly plotting to leak sealed information about his case to the Washington Times—has released his mug shot.

For reality TV show winners, victory can be a path to many great things — fame, romance, a smaller waistline. But one TV champion dared to dream bigger.

Pretty blond fashion PR women can get away with anything—except being charged with surreptitiously hacking the voicemails of multiple romantic rivals in a fit of jealous insanity. That's not a good "PR Play," it turns out. Sorry, Ali Wise.

Giuliani-loved-and-Judith-Regan-loving Bernard Kerik's was sent to jail today ahead of his corruption trial. [NYT]

Former NYC police commissioner Bernie Kerik is on his way to jail this afternoon. A judge revoked bail in his trial on conspiracy and fraud charges today after he concluded that Kerik could not be trusted to honor an order barring him from disclosing confidential information related to the trial. (The judge described him as a "toxic combination of self-minded focus and arrogance," which sounds about right.) Fortunately for Kerik, the trial is taking place in Federal District Court in White Plains, not in Manhattan, so he won't have spend the forseeable future confined to a cell in a building that was once named the Bernard B. Kerik Complex. That could have been a bit awkward. [NYT]

Ali Wise, the former Dolce & Gabanna publicist who got in a bit of trouble for hacking into the voicemail of anyone dating her ex-boyfriends, has been charged with four felonies. The true extent of her craziness is absolutely crazy.

The biggest insider trading scandal to hit Wall Street in years may be about to get even bigger. Bloomberg reports that as many as 10 more people could be charged in connection with the case as early as next week.

Gambino family hit man Robert Mormando had something to share in court yesterday. He's gay and he wanted everyone who was at his sentencing for involvement in a 2003 shooting to know it.

Billionaire businessman Raj Rajaratnam is out on bail, so he stopped by Galleon Group, the hedge fund he founded in 1997, to give a pep talk to the staff. Things aren't going so well over there!

If you'd marked down October 19 as the day when socialite/publicist Ali Wise would finally appear in court to face charges she allegedly hacked into another socialite's voicemail earlier this year, please note that the prosecutors asked for a little more time to prepare their case today and the judge adjourned it to January 14, 2010. See you then!

Obama's willing to look the other way on the medical marijuana thing. You know who is not, though? Lawmen in L.A., which is now one big legal weed spot. They are such bitches.