All that unbridled sexual energy at the Standard has a downside, it seems. A guest staying at the hotel was arrested on Saturday after he forced himself on a maid and has since been charged with attempted rape, sexual abuse and unlawful imprisonment. Needless to say, when the hotel was informing guests that the Standard was "all about sex all the time" and "you're our star," this wasn't quite what they had in mind. [NYP]

They say when all you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Likewise, when you call the cops to a middle school cafeteria food fight, they will take 25 kids to jail. It's what they do!

Former police commissioner Bernie Kerik almost went crazy in prison these past couple of weeks. But now he's going home! A judge released Kerik on bail today pending his sentencing in February on the eight felony counts he pleaded guilty to last week. So it's a good day, right? Not entirely. Not only will he remain under house arrest until then, a judge put the kibosh on Kerik's request that he be allowed to leave his house to walk his kids to school. "This is not home confinement with morning strolls and afternoon strolls," the judge responded. [NYT]

This whole alleged David Letterman "extortion" plot? All a big misunderstanding.

We mentioned last week that Nidal Malik Hasan, who killed 13 people at Fort Hood, received a concealed weapon permit in 1996 when he was living in Vinton, Va. Here are the highlights from his Roanoke County Circuit Court application.

It took a punch to the face to make newspapers edgy again. Could a drunken punch to the face (of a woman), after an argument about racism, make the Ivy League edgy, too? One Columbia prof is testing that theory!

More people are unemployed and sat around covered in Pringles shards watching old VHS tapes they forgot they had. The plus side? That means the recession-afflicted are now fighting crime!

There are sketchy reports that Maj. Nidal Hasan tried to contact "people associated with Al Qaeda," and some are calling Ft. Hood "the largest single terror act in America since 9/11" — something both terrorists and wingnuts wish were true.

This week was all about gun violence and terrible elections and Jay Leno.

With possibly 8 people shot and 2 dead (authorities confirm 1 dead and 5 shot), police have locked down downtown Orlando, Florida, looking for Jason Rodriguez, who shot up an office building earlier today. Update: Rodriguez has been apprehended.

Add this to the data pile on the Ft. Hood shooter: We've learned that Nidal Hasan applied for and received a permit to carry a concealed handgun in Virginia in March 1996.

The Associated Press is reporting that, according to Ft. Hood's commander, witnesses to yesterday's massacre say Maj. Nidal Hasan was shouting "God is great" in Arabic as he was firing on his fellow soldiers.

Yelp couldn't have guessed one of its reviewers might end up in a vicious wrestling match with a store owner, right? Wrong: the owner had visited Yelp HQ the day before the fight, been ignored, then turned away.

The growing insider trading scandal involving hedge funds has made its way to the offices of SAC Capital, the firm founded by one of the industry's most powerful figures, Zamboni-loving billionaire Steve Cohen. One of the 14 new defendants charged today, Richard Choo Beng Lee, seems to have started his crime spree when he was employed by SAC. [BI, Reuters]

Bernard Kerik pleads guilty to fraud charges (including "the head shot"); faces 33-month sentence.

Former NYPD Commissioner Bernie Kerik has taken the deal offered to him by prosecutors. He pleaded guilty to eight counts against him, including tax fraud and making false statements to the federal government, and he now faces between 27 to 33 months in prison. [CNN]

Another 14 people have been implicated in the growing investigation into insider trading by hedge funds. A number of the people indicted today have ties to Raj Rajaratnam, the founder of Galleon Group who was arrested a couple of weeks ago; all of them, it's safe to say, just had their days ruined. [WSJ]

The Yelp reviewer supposedly attacked by a store owner just got a zero-star rating for honesty. The store owner says it was the reviewer who attacked, even though the owner came in peace to apologize.

An Italian court has convicted 22 CIA operatives and one Air Force colonel of kidnapping. The CIA grabbed Egyptian imam Abu Omar in Milan and flew him to Egypt to be tortured. This is "illegal" under Italian "law."

Declarative former NY1 newsman Dominic Carter already lost his job for unseemly name-dropping in court while on trial for beating his wife, then got barred from boarding a flight just because he exists. Can his week get worse? Yes, much.