"French oyster farmers suffer wave of thefts." As far as stealing goes: whimsical, right?

Baboon gangs terrorize Cape Town; World Cup threatened by furry felons.

Stuyvesant High School junior Mohammed Hassan was arrested last week for setting fires at school. Sounds like the case is all wrapped up, eh? Wrong. Now there are more fires. And taunting notes! And hieroglyphics! A fiery criminal thrill ride!

Who knew that The Gang could inspire one of the world's dumbest criminals. Mac from It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and a bank robber both eat important pieces of paper to solve their respective problems. Video evidence after the jump.

"In an interview at the Heritage Foundation, a conservative research group where he is a fellow, Mr. Meese said the 'liberal ideas of extending the power of the state' were to blame for an out-of-control criminal justice system." Ahem.

If your boss invites you over to his/her apartment for a birthday party or holiday soirée, you probably shouldn't consider leaving the function with pieces of your employer's art work under your arm. Especially if it's a work by Andy Warhol and the iconic artist personally gave it to your boss in the 1960s. Chances are your boss will notice that it's gone missing and will eventually track you down and make sure you go to jail. [ARTINFO, Bloomberg]

Cursed NY1 political anchor Dominic Carter was found guilty of assaulting his wife on Friday, after a judge called his wife's last-minute "an unidentified man did it" reversal "preposterous." Carter spent the weekend being screwed by fate, and the media.

Breaking: The Hipster Grifter is free. Oh boy.

In a story that can only be described as made-up-but-not, police have busted a gang in Peru who targeted fat people on "lonely roads," killed them, extracted their fat and sold it, possibly to make anti-wrinkle treatments.

Facebook and Zynga are the defendants in a federal class-action lawsuit filed Tuesday, which seeks upwards of $5 million for social network users scammed in online game ads. Neither company's top-drawer investors can be happy.

Here's some news you'll find disturbing (unless you have a really weird fetish, in which case you won't). It turns out you're more likely to be groped on the subway these days. Complaints of subway sexual abuse are up four percent this year, although arrests are down six percent, according to the NYPD. Manhattan is the worst borough, and the stations at Grand Central Terminal and 14th Street are supposedly the choicest stomping grounds for these miscreants, who are typically most active during the morning and evening rush hours since they love it when the subway cars are crowded. So keep your wits about you. Unless you fall into that other category, in which case you now know where to be and when. [NYP]

Attorney Lynne Stewart's crime seems to have been issuing a press release. For this, not only is her translator in jail, but the appeals court has upheld her conviction and requested a tougher sentence.

Just as the public was learning that a huge chunk of Zynga's social gaming revenue came from scammy "quizzes" and "special offers," Silicon Valley's most prestigious venture capitalists rewarded the company with $15 million. Hey, that's just how VC's roll.

Christmas canceled: Santa Claus gets 20 years for sex crimes.

A mother and son called 911 when their "raging Russian blue," Carmen, held them captive in their Midtown apartment. The victims show signs of Stockholm Syndrome: "I just don't want people to think she's a bad cat," said one. [NYP]

Facebook and MySpace might finally pay the price for the big social gaming scandal: At least one law firm is investigating whether to launch a class action suit on behalf of duped users.

Some dude in Brooklyn has been arrested for selling weedheads some gross thing that would probably make you puke so much.

Richard and Mayumi Heene, the parents of that cute vomiting boy who did not get lost in the air in a balloon, will plead guilty tomorrow to charges that they concocted the story in order to become famous, which happened.

An Arkansas man has been convicted of killing Anne Pressly, the 26 year-old Arkansas TV anchorwoman with a small role in the movie W who was attacked and stabbed in her home last year. The motive was not grand.

The tabloids love the sexy nude people parading in front of the windows of the Standard Hotel overlooking the High Line (an 8.5 on the Post Shamelessness Scale, btw). Now, the guests are trying to rape the housekeepers. Evolution.