After sufficiently mourning the split between Justin Long and Drew Barrymore by giving our iBook a tearful embrace, we found ourselves facing a familiar Drew-inspired dilemma: figuring out who the serial dater extraordinaire will add to her illustrious list of ex-boyfriends next. Even before sort of settling down with the Strokes’ token hottie Fabrizio Moretti, Barrymore winked and giggled her way into the hearts of a wildly eccentric group of actors, musicians, comedians, sex tape vendors, drug addicts, directors and Firecrotch ranters. She’s aimed high (Leo), low (Feldman), and was an early member of the Lesbian Chic bandwagon. After the jump, we take a look at all her past paramours in order to narrow down our own suggested candidates for the next round.

After last week's harrowing episode of The Two Coreys, in which fallen teen angel Corey Haim was led to the Defamer comments section like a sacrificial, desperately-seeking-series-regular-work lamb, we stumbled upon a comment of interest. (Yes, this was a commenter commenting upon a clip of Haim reading our comments: sort of the post-cultural equivalent of staring into one of those fabulous '70s infinity mirrors.)

· Corey Haim spent an entire segment of The Two Coreys surfing the Defamer comment section and walked away emotionally damaged. But darker days are looming ahead.
· Angelina Jolie gave birth to the Chosen Twins! No wait, it was just another false alarm.
· McLovin and some starlets, sittin' in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes some little McLovins in a baby carriage! But wait, watch out for that lightning storm!
· Madonna's frosty marriage to Guy Ritchie came thisclose to breaking down this week when reports surfaced that she's been fielding grounders from New York Yankees star Alex Rodriguez. And Lenny Kravitz has something to do with it.
· Your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's DOA. But don't fret! There's a Friends movie on the way (maybe).
· We wished the happiest of happy birthdays to Lindsay Lohan and Tom Cruise.
· We busted out our long lost graphing calculator and got all scientific on your asses by examining the comedic rise and fall of Mike Myers.
· Nude Nicole Kidman vs. the fully clothed Katie Holmes proved to be an uneven fight.
· Fanboys from sea to shining sea creamed their collective jeans when Megan Fox dumped Brian Austin Green. Brett Ratner called dibs and already has some erotic literature ready for their first date.
· Denise Richards carefully explained to her 13-year-old nephew exactly what a threesome is.
· At long last, anal lubricant got the recognition it so justly deserves.

PrivacyWatch celebrity sightings are submitted by the loyal readers of Defamer. We'd like to remind you that this feature is powered by you, so if you want to see more installments of PrivacyWatch, then all you've got to do is to send us your sightings. Submit yours to tips[AT]defamer.com (please put "sighting" or "PrivacyWatch" in the subject line so we don't lose them) and tell everyone about the time you saw Eli Roth sucking face with a teenager when he should've been watching Schindler's List The Happening.

As your mind has likely already checked out for the long weekend, and is far away gnawing on a corndog and oohing and aahing the dazzling detonations dancing across your TV screen courtesy of XBox 360's Fireworks Tycoon, we thought we'd tax it as little as possible today. Perfect solution: A&E's Corey Vs. Corey, an online game in which the original bromance partners—now mortal enemies—fight each other in a sort of Mortal-Flameout Kombat.

· Things we learned at the Los Angeles Film Festival this week. School Of Rock 2 isn't a pipe dream. Guillermo del Toro isn't going to milk The Hobbit. Women deserve equal talk show hosting rights, too. Nobody wanted to make Animal House. Chris Carter is as secretive as ever. Did somebody order stake?
· The battle between the Paps and the Surfs was kinda like the Greasers versus the Socs, only with the newly blackberry-less Matthew McConaughey playing the role of Dally. But what of the rematch?
· Mini-Me showed the world his mini-me, which should help him knock down that large tax debt.
· Raffaello Follieri, Anne Hathaway's sketchball ex, got pinched for attempting to defraud God. A judge set bail at $21 million, but who's gonna take care of the dog?
· Mary Kate Olsen de-pruned herself long enough to convince Dave Letterman that her old arch enemy Spencer Pratt is, indeed, a prat.
· No one was safe as we counted down the Hollywood's Top Ten Worst Kissers.
· Wall-E manged to get fatties and Republicans up in arms without saying a word.
· Whoa, who raped the Coreys? One mystery solved, one to go.
· AC Slater found himself embroiled in Chesthairgate.
· The Emasculation of Joshua continued, as Katherine Heigl used her whipped husband as an ashtray and made him curl her hair. Joshua did not escape unscathed.
· You can ongratulate Jason Bateman on the impending Arrested Development movie, but be sure you don't bring up pregnant teens.
· We had a dream. We had an awesome dream. Mainly b/c it was filled with lesbian werewolves.
·: Noted blog-hater Patrick Goldstein entered the blogosphere. We can only guess how many of his 1,100 pageviews came from his IP address.
· Which groovy comedy superstar is openly courting other men to touch his monkey? Perhaps they should frequent the Fox and Sony lots?
· Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, motherfucker, tits. We'll miss you, George.

Corey Feldman's brave hike back from the post-confessional, gofer-sex-abuse wilderness began Tuesday night in Westwood, where he dropped by the LA Film Festival to introduce a screening of The Lost Boys and suffer a clip from the vampire classic's forthcoming straight-to-DVD sequel, Lost Boys: The Tribe. We use the term "classic" loosely; the 1987 original doesn't age that well, but for its cast alone remains one of its era's more interesting (and better-looking) time capsules. And in relation to what we saw of its follow-up's kind of embarrassing exploitation effort, it's just about perfect.

While everyone just assumed it was Michael Jackson that Corey Feldman was referring to when he and Corey Haim played a game of childhood-sex-abuse one-upmanship on The Two Coreys—a dark series of admissions that coincided nicely with that reality show's season premiere and the upcoming release of The Lost Boys 2—it turns out that the Bubbles-Toting One played no part in the scarring recollections. Feldman revealed to GQ that the the abuse came at the hands of his assistant, back when Hollywood assistants' hands weren't already occupied with Blackberrys and Venti Lattés. From Page Six:

• Ashley Dupre, call girl to former Gov. Eliot Spitzer, thanked her MySpace fans "for taking the time to send me a bit of strength and inspiration... your words have touched me." She thanked her detractors for making "me push myself and want it even more." [MySpace]

After the troubling events that brought Season One of The Two Coreys to its Corey-splintering conclusion, we honestly weren't sure if we'd ever see the two best friends and faded idols in the same room again. Still, as all of Hollywood knows by now, Haim is ready to work, and work—that undependable mistress—eventually came: Haim was a last-minute addition to The Lost Boys 2, necessitating the above reunion in a diner booth. And while we've always enjoyed the lightly structured drama that propels each and every episode, nothing prepared us for the bombshell revelations that would come tumbling out of the Bottomless Coffee Thermos of Shame. Did Corey H. just say he was "raped?" Did Corey F. just respond by saying he was "molested?"

Those adorably violent animal lovers over at PETA have temporarily ceased from attacking fur-toting starlets with tomatoes to round up their nominees for this year’s Sexiest Vegetarian award. And judging by the list of potential winners, it seems that granola-loving male celebrities are seriously lacking in the “sexy” department as compared to their female counterparts. Herbivores like Naomi Watts and Natalie Portman are listed among the ladies, whereas guyliner fans, racist talk show hosts and '80s heartthrob-turned-has-beens make up the majority of the male contenders. We take a closer look at the uneven distribution after the jump.

Remember The Lost Boys, that Two Corey's plus Jason Patric, Jamie Gertz, and Kiefer Sutherland vampire cult flick that you lurved so much when you were younger? You know, because it was dark and hip and funny and a little bit punk (for, you know, a studio monster movie)? Now, roughly forty-six years since the film premiered, a sequel called Lost Boys: The Tribe is being foisted upon this weary world. It looks exactly as cheap and schlocky as one would expect. Find a trailer after the jump, and then oh! stay tuned for the surprisingly articulate and lucid Corey Feldman getting in depth about the philosophy of the Lost Boys realm. It's just a tiny bit devastating.

With 21 years dividing the first The Lost Boys from its sequel The Lost Boys 2: Return to Lost Boys Island (An Interactive Sing n' Say DVD Adventure), we weren't expecting much from its trailer premiere on MTV.com; recapturing adolescent-vampire lighting-in-a-bottle, after all, seemed to us as unlikely a scenario as Corey Haim securing work from a trade ad announcing his splashy return to the game. Just like we feared, the results are decidedly mixed, as while Santa Carla's immortal tweens population still seems to be up to all manner of bloodsucking hoodlumism, the complete absence of Corey Feldman's name-sharing, platonic life-partner from the proceedings suggests to us that Haim's eventual inclusion in the production whose shunning once made him cry was symbolic at best.

Yes, sadly, it's that time again. Time to stare into the lifeless abyss that is the Swan Dress. But Bjork's legendary snafu has friends! Like Celine Dion's Backwards Suit, Gwyneth Paltrow's Saggy Boob Goth Gown and Corey Feldman's Hammer Pants. All have appeared at one Oscars showdown or another, and all are here for your enjoyment once again.

· With the 65th Golden Globes Awards having succumbed to the strike plague, all eyes turn to its far wealthier and more powerful cousin Oscar, whose coughing up of blood into a lace handkerchief doesn't strike us as a good omen. [Variety]
· The loss of the Globes was the first real sting felt by the film industry since the start of the strike, resulting in studio executives demanding of a supposedly merciful God how He could have allowed them to go about all that For You Consideration campaigning in vain. [Variety]

We've only just begun to recover from posting a shattering clip from A&E's The Two Coreys, in which Corey Haim learns from best friend Corey Feldman that his services would not be required in a direct-to-video Lost Boys sequel. (We have found some comfort from an internet rumor suggesting differently.) Still, life goes on for the best friends and fallen teen idols: In the above sequence—which, like the best documentary filmmaking, barely hints at the cameras lurking just inches away—Haim accidentally stumbles into Feldman's full-clothed lovemaking session with his wife. It's but the latest canned humiliation in what will surely be a string of many to come for the star of Lucas—and one that, God help us, makes us long for the charisma and credibility of A&E's former reality stooges, the Sons of Hollywood.

So distraught was one of our readers after watching the heartbreaking, lightly scripted Two Coreys moment where Corey Feldman devastates Corey Haim with news that a straight-to-video sequel to Lost Boys would be going forward without him (hell, even the Lesser Frog Brother probably got a call) that our compassionate operative immediately took to Craigslist to try and find the wounded Haim some companionship to get him through this difficult time. And Craigslist, that online lamp inhabited by millions of anonymous genies ready to fulfill even the most outlandish of wishes, predictably yielded help:

We're reluctant to even share with you this sad clip from The Two Coreys, A&E's attempt at catching up with conjoined Tiger Beat fantasy-duo Haim and Feldman since their spectacular career flameouts of the late 80s. In it, Feldman is forced to deliver the difficult news that the sequel to the movie that originally introduced the lifelong friends—The Lost Boys 2: Return to Lost Boys Island: An Interactive Sing n' Say DVD Adventure—has been rushed into production. But while Corey F. has been approached by producers for a cameo, Corey H. had not—a fact that hits the beret-sporting former teen idol hard, as he comes to realize that his limited acting gifts will never again be required (outside of highly canned reality shows that rely on the enduring entertainment value of observing wash-ups in their native habitat).

Amazingly, when MSN TV conceived of an online advice column penned by not one, but both halves of the two-headed '80s Hollywood heartthrob hydra known as "the Coreys," both Corey Haim and Corey Feldman were available for the gig! Here's how it works:

We weren't able to make it to the House of Blues last night to catch reformed former child star Corey Feldman usher in his 35th birthday by taking the stage with his band, Corey Feldman's Truth Movement. A Defamer reader literally stumbled upon a pair of tickets, however, and sent us a full report, including surprise, Z-list guest appearances, and an explosive climax featuring multiple giant breasts and plenty of silly, stringy fun: