Great. Wonderful. Rush Limbaugh is going to be a celebrity judge at next year's Miss America pageant.

We launched our "Which Conde Nast Titles Will Die?" contest late last week—just in time, as it turns out. Click through for the results of this somber exercise.

It's your lucky day, Gawker readers, because we are running one of our patented "contests," and the winner of the dubious prize could you be you! This one involves Conde Nast. But any idiot can enter. It's easy.

Have you entered the "Which Conde Nast Titles Will Die?" contest? Do so now!

WWD has a long piece today on Michael Wolff, the Vanity Fair columnist who has had a rough few months ever since we first reported that he was carrying on an affair with a former Vanity Fair intern named Victoria Floethe. If you've been wondering what Wolff has been doing since he disgraced himself so fully (or you're interested in seeing a photo of where he's currently living), you should enjoy.

Ladies and gentlemen, your winning request, "Rush the Hutt," by wondrous pancake painter to the stars Dan Lacey. You may buy this cultural artifact on Ebay, right now.

Ladies and gentlemen, your selection for pancake artist-to-the-stars Dan Lacey's next painting is "Rush Limbaugh with a chained Princess Leia (Sarah Palin) and Michael Steele as C3P0." He's already started it.

Three finalists remain in our contest to pick a new idea to be painted by pancake artist Dan Lacey. Will it be Rahm Emanuel? Maddow & Olbermann? Or fat Rush and Michael Steele? Vote below:

Last week you people submitted more than 100 fantastical ideas for Pancake Painter of Light and Happiness Dan Lacey. Below are the ten best. Vote now and make one come to life:

Dan Lacey, our favorite fantastical pancake painter, has just completed this Josephine Baker-themed vision of Michelle Obama. Otherworldly. Now we're giving you a chance to come up with an idea for Dan to paint. Historic!

What's this—rumors of more magazine death at Conde Nast? We've had enough. It's time to act. Vote on which teetering Conde mag you want to save, and we'll buy ten subscriptions to the winner.

Woo, the feud between Conrad Black and Michael Wolff—an incarcerated media mogul fraudster and a self-absorbed media gossip—is heating up! Which of these two ridiculous men is more deserving of your scorn? Let's see:

Gay Times magazine in the UK got a bunch of ad agencies to make up ads that persuade straight guys to Go Gay. Now there is an idea that is sure to draw greatly varying reactions! Large versions of the three most interesting ones are below. The winner is last. Will this campaign work? Well that's a great setup for a joke, which I am not going to pursue. Here they are:

Ooh ooh! Check it out y'all! A sponsor, uh, sponsored contest! This one comes from the new USA series The Starter Wife. A starter marriage is defined as a first marriage that lasts less than 5 years and is over before the couple has children. After the jump are the names of 5 former celebrity couples...to win you have to identify if they qualify as "starter marriages" according to this definition. So if the couple broke up in under five years, had no kids, and it was both parties' first marriage, the answer is Yes. If they lasted longer than five years, had kids (adoption counts!), or at least one party was previously married, then the answer is No. If you get them all right and then we select your name, you get this fabulous gift bag! 1. Tom Cruise & Nicole Kidman 2. Tom Green & Drew Barrymore 3. Halle Barry & David Justice 4. Tommy Lee and Pamela Anderson 6. Angelina Jolie & Jonny Lee Mille Send responses to contests@gawker.com and enter for a chance to win the Starter Wife Gift Bag (pictured below). Don't forget to check out The Starter Wife, premiering Friday night on the USA Network. Standard contest rules apply.

Well look, the market is up again, how (pardon me) UTTERLY FUCKING RETARDED. What this means: another huge plunge is invariably in sight! Because the government achieved this by outlawing short-selling temporarily on all the big stocks you'd want to short, and what the hell are hedge funds supposed to do about that? Gawker tipsters all over financeland are predicting a protracted bloodbath over the next couple months as investors sign up to get their money out of hedge funds. Dozens could go bust. But hey, here is a silver lining: hedge funds are for rich people! (Well, not anymore, now that America is running the world's biggest hedge fund with our tax dollars.) But hedge funds used to be for only the rich, and with your help we can illustrate how rich people are stupid. Inspired by this story about an insane Merrill Lynch investment vehicle called NORMA one expert quoted in the Wall Street Journal called "a tangled hairball of risk", I'm holding the Awful Vodkas I Have Drank of the plutocracy, an "Absurd Financial Product Some Rich Person Actually Bought" contest. I asked one of our tipstering financiers about the most retarded investment vehicle he'd ever seen.

Valleywag's advertisers are so interested in you, it's a little creepy. Would a chance at winning a $300 prize salve your petty privacy concerns? If so, please take our new survey. It takes 10 minutes to complete, after which supplying your email address will enter you into a drawing for a $300 Visa gift card. Standard rules apply. The contest ends next Wednesday.

Racist ladies and gentlemen, we present to you your new slur for 'white people': "'Nilla." No longer will you be forced to muck by with the outdated "honky" or the bland "whitey." 'Nilla (first suggested by racial innovator Sarcastro) won in a landslide decision over runner-up slur "Altoid," capturing more than 80% of the vote. It's an apt choice. The term's obvious parallels to an already existing racial slur ensure that you will never be safe saying it-in fact, shouting "'Nilla" in a crowded area almost guarantees that you will offend everybody present, one way or another. So it has the best quality of any slur: it should never be said. Seriously, don't say it-or any other slurs-and we'll all get along in peace and harmony. Good job!

The revenue-producing rogues in Valleywag ad sales have ginned up a new survey, with prize attached: a TomTom One 3rd Edition GPS unit. To enter, take the survey, then send an email to surveys@gawker.com with the last question asked. Standard rules apply. Entries must be in by May 15 at midnight Pacific time. Do take the survey, won't you?

Some women will give up their passwords for chocolate; men will do the same for porn. Alas, we can offer you neither. But how about $300? Take this survey, add a throwaway email alias, and you'll be entered into a drawing for a $300 American Express gift card. Standard rules apply. Think of all the chocolate you can buy if you win. Or porn. Fill out the form; it should take 5-10 minutes. The contest ends today at 3 p.m. Pacific.

Cat Fancy, the magazine that is the best punchline in any magazine joke, is apparently too broke to hire an ad agency. So they're searching for ad submissions with the theme "Cats Rule!" from you, the cat fanciers. The winning ad will appear right there in the pages of Cat Fancy. Why not make some ads that are funny and send them to us instead, if you truly believe, incorrectly, that "Cats Rule!" Ha, Cat Fancy. [Cat Fancy (ha) via Adfreak]