The three women in Zimbabwe accused of raping male hitchhikers during "ritualistic sex attacks" and saving up all the used condoms for creepy weird semen rituals have been charged with 17 counts of aggravated indecent assault, CNN reports. No word on what's happening to their condom collection, though. Is there a museum for such things? [CNN]

XOJane.com blogger Cat Marnell attempted to write a column about Plan B today. Instead, she ended up with a bizarre 1000-word treatise on why she never uses birth control or condoms, just the morning-after pill, even though she thinks it's murder:

Given that Occupy Wall Street's HQ has turned into a revolutionary sex-fest that would make Caligula blush (h/t Smiths), you might be worried that protesters will reproduce awful things like sexually transmitted diseases and tiny socialist babies. To help you rest better—and to make a little money—the Condomania condom store has begun selling protest-themed protective devices.

It's such a hassle to go to the drug store and search all the aisles for beer, ping-pong balls, and condoms so that you can get wasted, play beer pong, and then have a regretful, half-flaccid hookup with some poor someone. Now one drug store is putting them all together for your convenience.

Oh, condoms. They're the bane of a horny man's existence, and can sometimes make it hard to keep a raging boner going. They're also pretty necessary. But regulators in Europe are said to be close to approving the very sexy-sounding CSD500 — basically a condom dipped in boner gel Zanifil®, thereby producing some fun results:

Birth control extortion! Female gay condoms! Plastic beating hearts! Frozen vegetables! Tap dancing! Fiber to live! Greasy teenagers! It's your Tuesday Health Watch, where we watch your health—in what we consider a positive way!

Has anyone seen 700,000 ultrathin Japanese condoms? Malaysian police are looking for them. The condoms, manufactured by the Sagami Rubber Corporation, were loaded onto a container in Malaysia last week, but never arrived in Japan (the container did arrive, empty, with its locks changed). Rest assured, no expense is being spared:

"How do you get women to talk more about condoms, lubricants and sex aids on Facebook and Twitter?" We have honestly never considered the question! But Reckitt Benckiser, the manufacturer of Durex™ condoms, has. They have figured it out!

Though the idea of a Wikileaks condom—with Julian Assange's face beside the word "dick"—is laudable, the DickiLeaks fails in execution, starting with its slogan: "We leak more than the truth." Insemination by surprise? [via]

Pope Benedict says that all people—not just male prostitutes—can use condoms> But only to prevent HIV, not for birth control. Thanks for giving us permission, but the only old German we're taking sex advice from is Dr. Ruth.

In a new book, Light of the World, Pope Benedict XVI tells a German journalist that condoms are okay, as long as they're used by male prostitutes to prevent the spread of HIV. Otherwise, wrapping it up remains super unholy.

Levi Johnston is on the campaign trail running for mayor of Wasilla, Alaska, and stopped by Real Time with Bill Maher. Maher asks Levi if he uses condoms. Levi laughs, then offers, "I'm a big fan of Trojan these days."

Two of California's largest porn production companies, Vivid Entertainment and Wicked Pictures have put all projects on hold after a porn star tested positive for HIV this week. The studios are compiling a "comprehensive quarantine list" of possibly-infected actors. [LAT]

We already knew old people don't use condoms. But a new study shows that they're also big fans of their "friends with benefits." Figures. Casual sex is the perfect distraction from your fast-approaching death.

Unlimited health care! Avandia outlawed! Mammograms dismissed! MS pills! Safe sex banned! Fat Canadians! Overweight college girls! And scary AIDS facts! It's your Thursday Health Watch, where we watch your health—while eating and sexing, all at once!

California restaurant chain Claim Jumper just settled a lawsuit brought on by a man who found a condom in his French onion soup. That sounds nasty, doesn't it?

Bears are cute! Well, people in bear costumes, at least—especially when they walk around with big smiles/hug people. But did you ever think about who's under the costume? Using that concept, here's the most effective HIV-awareness ad ever.

Warner Brothers cannot abide its cash-generating boy wizard's name being taken in vain. Especially when it comes to condoms. They're suing the makers of the Swiss condom brand "Harry Poppers" for copyright infringement. Google Translate, do your stuff!

Feds say a New York counterfeiting ring they busted had a stash of more than half a million knockoff Trojan condoms, according to the Times. These condoms lacked spermicide and "failed water leakage tests." But they look so real! [NYT]

In 1985, only 55% of women having premarital sex the first time used a contraceptive. Thanks for helping to spawn a large Gawker readership 25 years later, unintentional moms! Nowadays, Americans send a new message with their fucking: Fuck God.