"Our Mercedes-Benz advertising is positioned to fit noncomformists who scoff at 'status symbols' and reject flimflam appeals to snobbery." So wrote David Ogilvy, founding father of the classic ad agency Ogilvy & Mather, four decades ago. If you can figure that quote out, you will understand just about everything there is to know about the effect that advertising has on our minds. It's taken from a 1,900 word, 38-point treatise by Ogilvy called "How to create advertising that sells," which gives a punchy rundown of his personal knowledge as one of the premier ad men in America. But Ogilvy would not have been able to predict what he has wrought. It only takes three key points to tell the story of conventional wisdom gone awry.

We've all seen those ads where eerily young-looking versions of actors interrupt their classic movie scenes to hawk Direct TV. But the above installment, in which Kathy Bates reprises her Oscar winning role from Misery, kicks off what we're imagining will be a brand new trend. Instead of interrupting just any old movie scene, Direct TV is gonna start interrupting the most disturbing movie scenes of all time.

Just picture it with us. Dustin Hoffman will tell us about how affordable it is to make the switch from cable while getting his teeth drilled in Marathon Man. Then, Michael Madsen will tell us how easy Direct TV is to set up while slicing off that cop's ear in Reservoir Dogs. But the ad we're most excited about will feature Jodie Foster in The Accused. Right in the middle of that infamous rape scene, Jodie will turn to the camera and say, "Just imagine how awesome this pinball machine would look in high definition!"

One-time Details and Men's Journal editor-in-chief Michael Caruso, who left Portfolio earlier this month, seems to have stumbled upon a new career: Shilling for appliances! In particular, the Sub-Zero-subsidiary Wolf rangetop. Perhaps his manic record on the editorial side of the magazine business belied a frustration at his stymied career in advertising—we just didn't expect him to be on that particular side of the camera. We feel your pain, Michael. Hey, how do the commercial model salaries compare to those at Wenner Media or Conde Nast? Also! Are you related to Sub-Zero designer Jerome Caruso?

Lots of hand-wringing and executive-firing has been going on at the Gap lately, mostly because no one is buying their clothes. So like a week ago or something, they came out with a new TV ad which, we assume, is meant to herald the new era of Gap-ness. It's not growing on us! Poor Claire Danes had to wear those awful "Boyfriend" khakis, which just accentuate the fact that the girl—bless her heart!—has meatier thighs than the average Hollywood actress, and that Patrick Wilson, while hot, doesn't look like he's anyone of the female persuasion's boyfriend. And that music. GAH. It hurts our brains to hear it. Who did they focus group this one with, Faith Popcorn? That gal at the Cinnabon store in the Short Hills Mall? Oh right, they did.

Some of us really liked the new "Get a Mac" ads, and we thought (heterosexually) that the unshaven Mac played by Justin Long was kinda cute.